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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss my kids so much?

23 replies

Notcool1984 · 18/09/2017 23:39

Me and DH separated last year, due to him being an EA pig.

He has the kids for two nights a week and I just cannot get used to it, it breaks my heart and I miss them so much (they are 6 and 4). I am actually writing this in tears.

It makes me feel like less of a mum.

I work on these days and try to arrange meeting friends, taking an exercise class etc when I can, but I feel like my arm has been ripped off. I just want to see them, hear about their day and cuddle them before bed.

I feel so cheated out of my children. He was so horrible to me in my marriage and now has stolen more of my life by having the kids.

OP posts:
CardsforKittens · 18/09/2017 23:53

It's so hard, isn't it? Flowers
I went through something similar many years ago. I really resented my ex for being such a monster to me and taking my kids away.

Fortunately he's much nicer with them than he was to me, and eventually I persuaded myself that it was good for them to have a relationship with him. But it really stung. When I married him and had kids with him I never expected to have to be away from my children like that.

I think it's good that you're keeping busy when they're at their dad's. But you also need some time to grieve. It's a massive change and it takes time to adjust.

More Flowers.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2017 00:31

Cry all you need to. It takes time to adjust. Keep yourself as busy as possible. Clean out cupboards, closets, whatever. It worked for me.

MrsOverTheRoad · 19/09/2017 01:09

Counselling will help OP. You're probably still traumatised. Flowers

You're naturally defining yourself through being a Mother because you had to go through so much to protect them (and yourself) by leaving your EA ex.

Now it's done but you still have to relinquish them to him, it's hard.

TheHungryDonkey · 19/09/2017 07:13

I empathise. My ex has my daughter ever weekend which means I never get to spend any nice time with her. It's always the running ragged mornings and tired evenings when I get the worst of her. Ex has her for the jolly fun times and works out ways to make my life extra specially miserable I'm sure.

I miss her though I'm used to it now. I get how you feel though.

Original poster
Notcool1984 · 19/09/2017 21:12

Thanks very much xx

OP posts:
ferriswheel · 19/09/2017 21:20

I'm in a very similar situation and absolutely dreading when they go for sleepovers. I don't expect him to be as kind to them as they deserve.

I'm going to start studying so I'm too busy and need the time. I know it wouldn't change your situation but do you think a commitment like that could help you get through this?

Original poster
Notcool1984 · 19/09/2017 21:42

Well I work long hours on the days they are with their dad. It is just the time at home in the evening that stings :( sorry to hear others going through the same thing. He is nice to them when he has them which is a small consolation.

OP posts:
opheliacat · 19/09/2017 21:44

Will counselling help, in this instance? I am not so sure. I would personally hate it and find it very distressing and counselling is not a magic bullet to every distressing experience.

Do you have them at the weekend, OP? :)

endofthelinefinally · 19/09/2017 21:45

TheHungryDonkey
Why does he have them every weekend?
That is very unfair and unusual.
So sorry you are in that situation.

Original poster
Notcool1984 · 19/09/2017 22:13

We split the weekend. He has them Sunday morning to Tuesday after school x

OP posts:
user1497991628 · 19/09/2017 22:51

Oh, Op, glad I found this thread.

My ex left last week and I am so dreading them going away from me at weekends. It infuriates me that he's been an utter cunt to us all and then also gets to have them, it seems so unfair.

I usually spend my weekends devoted to kids' activities, so will be so hard.

I am in a bit of a state about it. Especially as they don't want to go.

Feel for you, it's just all so shite.

Sancerresanwine · 19/09/2017 23:14

I'm in this situation too and I agree it's shite. So sorry op. My ex has harassed me into agreeing to 50 50 which I am just starting and finding so hard. He was horrific to me, nice to them, and I tell myself how important it is that they have a good relationship with their dad. I try to keep busy too, but it can be hard. I only hope it gets easier. Agree about kids actives at the weekend, I too feel the loss. It's the most painful thing about ltb Sad

Sancerresanwine · 19/09/2017 23:16

Hope you're OK op. Pm me anytime. If it's any comfort, it has got easier and I am a much happier person and better mum because of the split. Unmumsnetty hugs xx

TheHungryDonkey · 19/09/2017 23:18

Endoftheline we haven't done the solicitor route. He's too volatile. However I'm keeping the half terms and we always do loads of stuff together.

I genuinely believe he's the sort of man who would do something like kill him and his child if he thought I would stop him seeing her. He turned out to be totally insane. I don't rock the boat for our safety.

Locotion · 19/09/2017 23:31

Another one here dreading the weekend. They dont want to go see him either :(

PinkHeart5913 · 19/09/2017 23:38

Don't feel like less of a Mum! Imo you are a better Mum because you don't let the hate for him consume you and don't use your dc as a weapon against him, that also makes you a strong person.

It's natural to miss them, it would be odd if you didn't. I think all you can do is keep yourself busy and over time I guess you will get use to it as it becomes your routine.

Flowers Gin

user1497991628 · 20/09/2017 07:54

I'm hoping that Pinkheart

I was meant to be going away with a friend this weekend, it's been booked for ages, and I've been really looking forward to it. But ds doesn't want me to be so far away, so that he can phone me if he wants to come home 😢

It's not like him, as he tries really hard to be brave, but he's sleeping in with me since it happened and is obviously pretty sad and anxious about seeing his dad. I've been positive, btw, not badmouthing him.

BakedBeans47 · 20/09/2017 07:56

Not BU for feeling how you feel x I very much doubt I would feel the same I love getting breaks from my kids lol but def not BU.

Original poster
Notcool1984 · 20/09/2017 22:03

Wow what lovely supportive comments thank you. So sorry to others going through the same thing.I just miss them so much when they are not here. Not quite how I imagined motherhood :(

OP posts:
user1497991628 · 20/09/2017 22:30

No, notcool, me neither.

Would not have chosen this path, can't believe it's really happening.

Kingsclerelass · 20/09/2017 22:59

Hold onto the idea that they need to have a good happy relationship with their dad if at all possible, and you are helping that.

I have the same and I hate it but last year when his best friend's parents were going through a bad patch, one morning ds smiled at me over his corn flakes and said "you and daddy never argue, do you"

Made all the gritted teeth and worried weekends worthwhile.

Original poster
Notcool1984 · 21/09/2017 22:47

That is really nice to hear Kings!

OP posts:
Original poster
Notcool1984 · 22/09/2017 09:31

Another problem is my son will suddenly say he doesn't like me and that it is my fault daddy doesn't live here :(

OP posts:
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