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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Either SIL is BU or I am

18 replies

masonmum12 · 18/09/2017 22:03

Gave birth to my ds (1st child) last year and thats when I truly began resenting my SIL.
She would find it nescesary to show up 4 days out of the week to come over and see her new nephew. Don't get me wrong, I understand how exciting it was having a new addition, but she wouldn't leave until gone 10 at night! I mean a week after giving birth you live in the land of shattered, plus I was coming to terms with motherhood and I could have done without the ever lurking presents.

Yes yes yes, I know DH or myself should have asked her to leave but I suppose we didn't want to burst her new aunt bubble.

Anyway fast forward 3 months and I began to get long messages from her complaining that I never ask her to babysit, and I don't bring ds around to her house. She said that my family saw him more and I was leaving her out (BTW she would still show up at least twice a week) even after I explained that having a 3 month old baby meant I wasn't able to be as mobile as I would like to be, nor did I feel comfortable with anyone watching my young child, so she ignorantly suggested that I sleep over at her place. Seriously? Seep over at someone else's house when I have just had a c-section and a 3 month old who doesn't sleep the best of times? Every time I tried to explain how my reality was, she kept telling me that she is around children alot so she knows everything and I can't tell her anything she doesn't already know so I feel like I can't say anything without her taking offence.
Forgive me but I am the eldest child of 6, trust me I know what to expect from kids but until you have your own (or have a child in your care) you don't have a clue.
I started to think I was Prehaps doing something wrong, but I have always thought that if people wish to see your child it is their responsibility to make that effort. I am under no obligation to facilitate you had drag my son and the kitchen sink with me. Was I BU?

The hounding has ceased as she has been a little poorly lately, but I am now 4 months pregnant and I am actually feeling a little anxious that it will begin again.

Should I approach her differently if she begins demanding visitation (a word she actually used, as if it was a custody arrangement) I don't want to be soft but she is quite ill, or do you think I am wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
masonmum12 · 18/09/2017 22:05

Even if someone could give me a phrase Prehaps? One that is straightforward but polite

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 18/09/2017 22:09

Take the control back and plan her visitations. Dsil after the babies born you will have to come round on the Tuesday for some tea. Then at that meal plan the next visitation

Silverthorn · 18/09/2017 22:09

Well, you might need someone to babysit dc1 while you're giving birth. So don't go burning any bridges. Maybe try to set some distance and boundaries now. She sounds a bit full on.
However, did you say she was ill?

Ellendegeneres · 18/09/2017 22:10

Here's the phrase you need:
Fuck off, fuck far far away and when you get there, fuck off a bit further

52FestiveRoad · 18/09/2017 22:11

Is it your DH's sister? What does he say? I would get him to have a word with her. You have clearly tried and it is not getting through. I think it needs sorting before you have your second child. Did she really demand visitation? Shock

Maelstrop · 18/09/2017 22:12

This time, foot put down firmly, no visits of more than one hour. Let her know-gently (tho I think you will need to be very firm as she obviously couldn't give a fuck about your comfort)-that you want her gone and it isn't appropriate for her to stay endlessly. Is it your dh's sister? He should be dealing and telling her to sod off. Stop dropping it into conversation (we aren't having visits of more than an hour for this one etc)

Maelstrop · 18/09/2017 22:13

And note on doorbell''im sleeping, so is baby, do not disturb'.

SouthWindsWesterly · 18/09/2017 22:14

"Wind your neck in"...?

This is your husbands sister yes? Why are you having all this stress? Get him to talk to her. He'll know how to approach her but this needs to be stopped before it starts up again. Has she stopped demanding "visitation" for your eldest yet?

Oh - and decide an acceptable time for ending visits and stick to it. "Masonmum was knackered last time so could we ask ALL visitors to go by 1900?" Get the husband to enforce

LML83 · 18/09/2017 22:18

Hopefully boundaries have now been established. She might have learned you don't appreciate the visit so frequently and backed off. Or novelty of being an aunt has worn off.

Either way you hopefully don't have to worry about it. Give her a chance. First sign of her going back to old ways and have a firm but polite message ready.

TableMirror · 18/09/2017 22:22

We are expecting DC2 and I've already told DH that this time there will be no after work in the evening visits from family, it disrupts DC1's bedtime and I don't want to be civil!

If people are desperate to see the baby they can take time off work to come in the day time and leave before supper!

Original poster
masonmum12 · 18/09/2017 22:24

@booboo great idea I will definitely implement that!
@silverthorn yes she has a long term illness (the same as my DH) which causes her great pain so I don't wish to add to her misery! But babysitting will indeed be needed soon!

OP posts:
Original poster
masonmum12 · 18/09/2017 22:28

Yes she is Hubby's sister.... Thanks everyone great advice. @lml83 yes Prehaps novelty has worn off, I put it down to her being more poorly than usual.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 18/09/2017 22:31

I agree, take control back. If she says she's coming on Tuesday, say it's not convenient and come on Thursday. Make sure you stipulate the time etc.

LML83 · 18/09/2017 22:32

I can understand your worry as it was very unreasonable first time. Bit fingers crossed no longer a problem. You are right to have a plan just in case though!

Original poster
masonmum12 · 18/09/2017 23:09

Just had a word with DH, turns out he feels the same. He isn't in favour of people hanging around all hours of the night.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2017 01:30

You need to take control back. Unfortunately, you didn't assert yourself when your first was born, so hopefully you won't make that mistake again. Please remember, if she takes offense over a totally reasonable directive, that is HER problem, not yours. Stand up for yourself and your family.

TathitiPete · 19/09/2017 07:48

Are you four months pregnant with a three month old?

Original poster
masonmum12 · 19/09/2017 10:35

@tathitipete no my DS is now 1

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