In laws coming round / newborn

[MissBax]

DD was born 3 weeks ago - there were many complicated during delivery unfortunately and I had to spend 9 days in hospital and another 6 in bed when i was discharged, so only really been on my feet for a week. I'm finding nights really hard and am exhausted most of the time (as expected with a newborn).
Cos of this I've tried to reduce the number if guests coming at any one time and try to keep a limit of two hours for visitors - I've admittedly become quite anxious with having people all the time.
This weekend DH's DB and SIL are coming from another city to visit - that's fine, they've not met DD yet and I'm looking forward to seeing them.
The only problem is that DH's parents and his other brother will also want to come at the same time. They have a form for staying much longer than I'm comfortable at the moment (they came to the hospital 3 hours after my emergency c section/3 of them came over when I wasn't feeling well and stayed for 5 hours etc), leaving me and DH to host clean up after them. I also don't like DD passed around like a doll - she's been a bit irritable the last few days and I don't want to overdo it for her or me.
DH finds me over anxious and that I'm being over the top, but I don't think he fully appreciates how delicate I'm still feeling and my moods have been up and down, I'd like to just keep the environment calm and relaxed for a while.
What could I text MIL to explain I don't want them all coming at once? She often gets overly sensitive about things like this and guilt trips people.

Sorry, it's more a WWYD than AIBU.

I'd prob get husband to tell them you're not up to receiving that many guests at once. Broken record: 'I understand but we're not ready to receive 5 guests. Let's make a date for you and other bil to come round another day'

Get dh to be gatekeeper and he needs to start chivvying them off if you get knackered.

Dont host, don't lift a finger. They can make the tea and wash up!

This is a really tough one, I had to have PIL come and stay for 4 nights 2 weeks after a section with my first and now i'm not far off having my second I won't allow it this time. Five hours doesn't seem like too much to me in contrast but you must do what you feel comfortable with. Tell DH to tell them if they all come then it is only for 2 hours max and get him to chuck them out. You could take the opportunity to have a long bath etc.
Oh God i've just had a flash back off MIL when I had taken the baby off for a chilled out feed away from everyone in my bedroom, bursting in to talk to me... Oh Lord... I think we will visit after Xmas this time.

Dont host, don't lift a finger. They can make the tea and wash up!

This too! Not so easy with PIL I know, my mum did my kitchen floor when she first came to see DS. Thats the kind of hell needed!

Is there any possibility of you meeting them out somewhere? So that when you've had enough you can leave, instead of trying to get a group of people to leave your house?

If not and they have to come to you, be clear and tell them it's for an hour and then when it's time for them to go, tell them, 'sorry guys but I'm feeling a bit rubbish, so we're going to call it a day now' and then if they don't get the message, tell them again that you need some rest and it's time to go.

I think you are being a little unreasonable expecting your DH's family to it want to hold and cuddle her - try to look at it that they love her and want to build a relationship with her. Surely that's a good thing? When she's irritable or hungry or you've had enough, be firm and say 'right, back to mum', take her off them and perhaps disappear for a while if you need to.

The trick here is to be confident and clear with them to say enough is enough or engineer the situation so that you can leave when you've had enough.

But don't stop them spending time with your baby, they are her family after all, even if they are socially inept and don't get your hints/ outstay their welcome.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby and sorry you've had a rough time of it

You need to tell DH you're happy to have visitors but not too many at a time and you don't want a full house.

Tell him what you've said here, that if DB and SIL are having their first visit and you're looking forward to seeing them, PIL have been obey plenty and you're only comfy with DB and SIL this weekend, boy PIL as well. If they want to also see PIL they can go and see them before or after. If you could trust they'd pop in for a quick cuppa then sod off it might be nice to hdhr everyone together for half an hour. But they've proved they won't go after a reasonable amount of time and you can't trust him to tell them with its time to go. He's letting you down. Yes it's his baby too but you've been the patient and it sounds like you're pretty battered so you might be being sensitive at the moment but that's your right!

Is he doing his bit when you have visitors or is he sitting back while you make endless cups of tea and do all the hosting work?

A 5 hour visit in hospital was madness. It's his job right now to look after you both. Be completely honest about how you're feeling and what you need.

If they keep showing up can you take the baby and to your room saying you need to rest? If you take away the baby attraction they might bugger off.

Can you just leave him to get on with it? Take the time to catch up on some sleep and just relax for a bit? He can always bring the baby to you if she needs feeding.

Just go up to bed and let dh deal with dd and his family

Just disappear into your room with the baby when you or the baby are tired. Can you get GP/ HV onside to explain to your DH that you are still recovering and need rest and TLC, including being brought food and drinks at regular intervals . if he feels he can host and look after you, that's fine, but your health has to be the priority here.
If people get upset that is really their problem, not yours.

It's normal to feel the way that you do but it's not worth having a fight over. Just make it clear to you DH that you expect him to clean up after them as you are still not fully recovered and take the opportunity to slip away after a couple of hours for some alone time while they all catch up.

Yes you definitely need someone prepared to get stuck in with a hoover. I can remember my in-laws being upset that they weren't invited to stay immediately but it did entail them staying over for a few days because they're 5 hours away. I wouldn't have minded a day visit though. They were quite high maintenance but I left all the running around to my DH. One night though we got a takeaway delivered and it arrived while I was upstairs feeding the baby. When I came downstairs they'd all eaten and left the food out so it was all cold. I was very tearful about that for some reason. I would ask your DH to manage the visit and agree an exit strategy if the visit becomes extended. I would have no qualms about being buggering off for a sleep or bath when they're there with a cheery " I'm sure you understand ". I personally didn't mind people cuddling my DD but if it bothers you you can just whip her away elsewhere for a feed or whatever. Relax about it though, they're just probably excited and don't really remember what it's like.

Im definitely happy that DD has so many people around her that love and care about her. I think I just find the in-laws a but overwhelming at times. MIL is quite controlling and they have no sense of boundaries. I'm an only child and it's just me and DM. When DM visits she always only stays an hour or so and is very aware of how tiring it is, whereas IL's don't have that. I'll definitely speak to DH about taking a bit more responsibility for them and making it clear that we can only manage so many visitors/hours at a time. He is just so laid back that he doesn't see where I'm coming from. I normally have a good back bone for standing my ground, but seem to struggle when it comes to his family.

You just need to be firm or get your DH to be firm with your PIL. Easier said than done I know.
We never had many visitors with ours but PIL threatened to visit for a fortnight invited themselves to stay with us before DS. I was really nervous and had been told DS would be a very tiny baby which was stressful enough in itself without having an audience when seeing to, caring for and trying to bond with my tiny baby. This stressed me out no end and I was getting in a state about it. I eventually persuaded DH to say they could visit and stay one night with us but not 14 days (they lived 3 hours away). Eventually he took the hint and contacted them she wasn't happy and said we couldn't keep her away or stop her seeing her grandchild. This caused an atmosphere but in the end fortunately DS arrived 10 days early which coincided with her works Christmas party so in the end it didn't suit her to visit until after Christmas which was fabulous. She never changed a nappy or even offered to with either DC ever. She just wanted to hold them too long and overly tightly until they got too warm and upset and wanted mum.

Yanbu I was like this after DS was born I had to be induced as I was overdue so in hospital for a week had a long labour which resulted in forceps delivery in the end I was beyond exhausted and I just wanted me my DH and DS to enjoy each other's company and get use to one another.
The great grandparents were more of a pain in the end for me they are lovely people but it was all overwhelming I just wanted to be left alone with DS and like you said not have him passed around like a doll I was also selfish and still am when it comes to my DS he's only 5 months old and I still hate anyone holding him to long

I remember on one occasion I sat holding my DS he was only few days old and I didn't even offer for family to hold him even when I could feel the eyes burning into me wanting to hold him I refused I got so annoyed it worked because we ended with a few blissful weeks of no visits think they got the message in the end
Just get your DH to txt or phone his mother saying you already have guests visiting and at this moment with baby being so young your trying to keep down the number of visitors per day/week that it causes the baby distress by there being too many people at once

That's what my DH did in the end regarding his own family would tell them no out right when they asked to visit or asked to come along with other family members he told them outright it wasn't appropriate as he was working and weekends were his only time with us it worked and we finally got some breathing space to enjoy our DS to ourselves

Congrats on birth of your DD enjoy every minute