to still be angry with MIL?

[newmomma9]

Sorry for the upcoming rant.

OH is an only child and has always been close to his parents, despite living an hour's flight from them. They're really good to us, helping us move, giving us loads of nearly new furniture from their house sale, having my family to stay with them, etc. She is a financial adviser so also does our tax returns, while he came up to paint our flat before DS was born. When DS was a month old, OH had to go away for a fortnight with work, and since my own DM refused to come and help me, I took baby and went to stay with them for 2 weeks, for which I will be forever grateful.

However. She's really tough going. Over the years I've been constantly insulted, belittled, blamed for OH's fertility problems, and criticised for EVERYTHING you can imagine, while at the same time as being told she loves me and I'm a good mum to DS. She says I'm lazy because I don't clean her house, cook or do her ironing when we stay with them (she constantly refuses my help when I offer, and says she will never ask or tell me what needs to be done - I'm supposed to know instinctively) but she goes nuts if OH or FIL lift a finger, because it's WOMENS' WORK! She can't understand why I find it tiring being a sahm (he's brilliant but I have no help except for OH, so it's very full on) as she did it 36 years ago and SHE managed.

OH's friends and family have said to me in the past that I take a lot of cr@p from her, and she has a track record of losing friends for FIL and alienating her own family with her domineering ways and uncontrolled mouth. She's shouted at me in front of my baby, smoked in front of me while pregnant and driven me to a point where I dread being in the same room as her. She decided when baby would stop taking his bottle at night, not me, and actually cornered me away from the boys to insist we do it her way.

Sometimes I feel afraid to open my mouth for fear of being put down, told I'm wrong, and just made to feel inferior. She can be very clever and the insults go straight over OD and FIL's heads.

I've spent FIVE WEEKS out of the last 8 in their company - OH wanted six but I said no way. Last year I did nearly 3 weeks with them while pregnant and at one point actually looked up the cost of flights to go home early.

When we arrived here 12 days ago, I told her I had a bit of work to do while here and would it be ok to have some help with the baby as it's impossible to do anything at home. She said fine. So on the Monday, I gave the baby to OH while I fill in applications for part time creche places and swimming lessons. Tuesday I dared to go and see a friend for an hour and a half. On Wednesday afternoon, I did a couple of hours' work to pay for the swimming lessons. But she'd invited OH's friends over for dinner and I was supposed to help prepare it, without being informed what was on the menu, and I once again got called lazy.

This time, I snapped and told her I've had enough of being spoken to like that. Then over the next half hour, I got accused of dumping my little boy on other people all week while I went off "working and enjoying myself", even though I'd only given him to OH (who spent the whole time with her and so she probably ended up holding DS). She said I'd abandoned him all week. I hit the roof and said the work I'd been doing had been to organise and pay for the creche/swimming lessons. She hit back with 'I can't work AT ALL while you three are here as you're so idle, I'm too busy looking after you all'.

This came 3 weeks after I told OH to give them 500 quid in exchange for our board and as a thank you gesture for the furniture because they're having work/money troubles (although FIL intends to buy a £1450 shed next week... WTF?).

Argument went on for a good half hour (I got 'stop shouting, you're hysterical and ridiculous' and 'aren't you the martyr'), I gave back and it felt like YEARS of pent up anger on my part was finally getting some release. We tried to clear the air after dinner and things started getting heated again, so we left it at that and haven't broached it since.

I've tried to sort things before - last year I told her nicely that I find her rude, arrogant and insulting, but nothing changed. She is the way she is, and I'm not the person she wants me to be, so I don't see how we can ever get past it.

Thursday morning I told OH I wanted to check into a hotel and fly home ASAP, but he wouldn't hear of it and said we'd spend as much time out of the house as he could manage. Meaning leaving DS with them, ironically! But felt I had no choice. She has been fawning over me since Thursday, telling me I'm pretty and basically being the kind of MIL we all hope for. But I'm still furious and have told OH that I'm not putting up with her attitude any more and that I don't want to see her. I'm being civil because we're here for another couple of days but that's all I'm prepared to do.

They were supposed to come to us next week while I took a 4 day job in another city but I've cancelled, because I won't leave DS with someone who accused me of dumping him on them while I go off to work. OH told them the job fell through, rather than the truth, because he wants to "protect" them.

Last night, as we were heading out, OH said he wants me to be "nicer" to MIL. Told him to stop sticking his head in the sand and to support me more, especially as none of this is happening in English and I'm on the backfoot. Fat chance.

Today FIL asks quite sternly if I'm still giving MIL the cold shoulder.
She was due back any second and having had gastroenteritis all weekend, I'm not in the mood for another argument, so I just said that I'm very angry about the unforgivable things that were said to me on Wednesday. At that point DS started crying so I escaped.

Since I've had DS I've stopped putting up with toxic relationships in my life but I'm going to have to put up with this one for OH's sake.

AIBU to still be angry and to not want to have anything more to do with her? Knowing that this woman is going to be in my life for as long as OH is, and I'm going to have to see her whether I like it or not?

To the people who are asking why you let her help so much: I'd bet a month's salary that if you refuse childcare she massively takes the hump, so you end up accepting help you don't really want all the time. I bet that while they're there, if the OP tries to arrange to have any time away from her DS - by asking DH say, or by trying to get DS down for a nap - MIL swoops in and offers childcare and she "can't" refuse without sounding ungrateful and weird.

She sounds controlling. You sound very needy though. Why can't you fill in forms whilst looking after your baby? You have created this situation by going to them for help all the time.

Which country are you in?

hi all,

I'm in France.

I agree in that I've brought it on myself and it's taken having a child myself to bring it to a head. Today I was bfing DS and I could hear them downstairs complaining to DH about my attitude. Think they told him to 'sort' it before flouncing out. He came upstairs all quiet and has been in the bath ever since. I love the man but I don't know if he'll ever fully stand up for me - I've been complaining about her for years and nothing has changed.

Heebie Jeebies - you're right on every point. I'm absolutely crap in an argument and even worse when it's not in my language. I never have decent retorts until later, such as 'I left DS with his dad, not you'. In any case, when she has a go at me for something HE has neglected to do (such as cleaning the oven before we move house), she won't accept that golden boy messed up and I should have just got on with it myself.

Re the bottle, I was so exhausted I could barely stand by that point, so yes, I did let her initially, but an hour later pulled her up on it. But yes, I should have done the feed that night, although that's easy to say 6 months down the line when DS is sleeping through the night.

I doubt I'll move back to the UK, but I have said to him in the past (non MIL related) that sometimes I wish we lived there instead of here, so it's nothing new.

Toomuchtooold: you are spot on. Today they've both gone out in a massive hump because of me. My sins this morning:

1. I said I was ok to hold DS while eating breakfast (ok I don't usually do that, but with the gastro, I've hardly seen him for 2 days)
2. I offered to take the clean laundry upstairs even though I was holding the baby
3. I said I didn't need any washing doing before we leave tomorrow, thanks
4. I said yes to FIL's request that I go through all my photos of DS with him and send him any he doesn't have.

Sins 1 to 3 send a message to her that I'm fighting back, and she is beside herself with anger. I can't wait for her to come home and see I've put the washing out. But on the surface, it's irreproachable behaviour hello So when she kicks off with me later today, I'm perfectly able to say that I've been trying to help with the housework, as she wants, and I still can't do right for doing wrong.

I can fly home a day early for €99, just checked. Taxis will cost a bomb but it'll be worth it just to have stood up to them and watch them come crawling when they start to miss DS. I'd never deny access but if I don't want to see them any more, they're automatically going to see a lot less of him.

My dh is French. The women in his family I've met can have very some very particular notions of the way things are done. That I don't agree with. They can be overbearing and rude and far more direct than the average Brit. The French also have very different attitudes to child rearing.

If you want to be polite "Ca ne vous regarde pas". If not, how about "Allez vous faire foutre". I assume you understand you're telling her to eff off on the second. I expect you're tutoying them though so change as necessary. The nice thing about the first sentence is you can say about your behaviour or whatever it is with "A propos de mon comportement, ça ne vous regarde pas". Mil died dd was born so this didn't affect me directly with dd but the bluntness as rudeness of certain French people can take my breath away at times.

Mil died BEFORE dd was born.

I would think she was still angry with you too, I cannot understand he you except so much help from someone you dislike so much.

All the childcare, each time yes you are a reason you needed the help or excuses.

Tbf both you and your DH come across as lazy guests. I hate when DP needs instructions of what to do. I would have automatically helped with dinners and house work.

So I think all of you are unreasonable. I would go NC but I wouldn't go down the road of letting her have it, You can't take back words. Leave go home, cut contact if necessary but no more drama.

Go home early with your baby.

Say no to Christmas.

You not having a relationship with his family doesn't prevent your husband having one. He can fly to them for the weekend, you just won't be joining him.

Fuck speaking in French - i'd let rip at them in english
Let your dh explain it to his parents......

i'm glad your dh hasn't dared approach you about their little conversation this morning.
He's going to need professional counselling to deal with the F.O.G he is enmeshed in with regards his toxic parents.

Hope everything's ok OP.
I also agree with PP, you should go home early. I'd also continue as you've started today, do what she wants you to do e.g. Helping with housework and not allowing her to 'help' you too much ie. bathing son. I'd also make his lunch for him yourself.
And if she still complains, then you can say you can't do right for doing wrong.

I really feel for you. I agree you need to start standing up for yourself. But I'm sure you know this isn't going to be an easy battle.
When you're home you need to speak to your DH about how you feel, and that he needs to stand up for you. You're his priority, not his mother.

hi all,

What a day.

DH and I decided to take DS for a walk yesterday morning. He obviously wasn't going to start the conversation so I did and it all came out. He started off having a go, telling me everyone is pissed off with me (!) because of "the atmosphere" but I gave him what for. I reminded him that he always says I'm his family, and now DS too, and that his job is to protect us, FFS. I said MIL speaks to me like I'm stupid, lazy and a doormat and I refuse to let DS grow up thinking his mother is pathetic. I also told him she is interfering, intimidating and that I can't understand how he can have the balls to do the job he does (I can't say what he does but it often involves war zones) but is a total opposite at home.

To those who are saying he is a man-child: yes he fucking is (didn't like it when I said that just now), and I am fast getting sick of his throwing tantrums the way his dad and granddad do. We were loading the car at the airport just now, he slams the car door in anger at something trivial, forgetting that DS was inside, and DS took fright and started crying. Gave DH a good bollocking for that.

Unfortunately that's how he is. He slams and screams and thinks it's fine because that's the example his father set him. The first time I left him alone for a few hours with DS, DS was 4 weeks old, DH couldn't handle the crying and I came home to find he'd punched a hole in the (recently painted) door with anger. I know for a fact that he'd never hit me or DS, so I'm not worried for my safety, but I wish he would grow the fuck up.

Sorry, don't usually swear online but after 5 weeks with MIL, it feels fucking good to say fuck. A lot.

I can understand why people think from my previous posts that I'm a lazy guest. I can guarantee you I'm not. DH is, and that reflects on me (in MIL's eyes, because men shouldn't do any housework). I might not pull out the hoover or ironing board, but I always clean and wash up after meals, load/unload the dishwasher, do the shopping, tidy up after myself -(DH)-, strip the beds, try not to be untidy/a nuisance and always offer help whenever meals are being prepared, or whatever.

The problem I have with MIL is that she has to be in control and refuses to let me do anything, then criticises me for doing nothing. If I load the dishwasher, she'll tell me I'm doing it wrong. She'll go in our room looking for dirty clothes, put them in the wash and iron them before I've even noticed they've gone. Last time I offered to cook, she reluctantly agreed, we decided on a menu and the next day as I was leaving to buy the ingredients, I found out by complete chance that she'd changed her mind and I wasn't cooking after all. So one hand I WANT to let her do it all her fucking (oops) self, and yet I still continue to offer help.

Back to yesterday: the reason they'd been yelling at DH in the morning was because I'd had DS all morning and they hadn't so much as had a look in until midday. Which I find hilarious, because this all started when she accused me of dumping her on him. So I'm wrong for letting her have him and wrong for having him myself. What's a DIL to do?!!!

Anyway, yesterday lunch together was ok while DS was there. When I came back from putting him down for a nap, an atmosphere had descended again, which could only be my fault, of course.

Went for a walk/coffee with FIL and DH afterwards, nobody was addressing the elephant in the room so eventually I did, and unsurprisingly he said he didn't want to discuss it without MIL but that I was in the wrong for having been in a huff all week. Told him that it wasn't a "huff", but more that I'm not in the habit of being accused of dumping my child and acting like it didn't happen. We agreed we'd discuss with MIL later on.

Unfortunately dinner was actually really pleasant (she can be lovely when it suits) and nobody dared bring it up and ruin the evening. I was literally falling asleep with my head in the plate by 8pm so, I hold my hands up, I chickened out too.

I might write her a letter though, telling her that things have to change and that she has to understand that there are consequences when people make nasty comments and unfounded accusations. I'm not prepared to miss such a good opportunity to tell her to go and fuck herself.

Have also told DH that I am reducing contact with her, I will NEVER spend more than a week in her company again (only agreeing to that for DS's sake) and that we are going to start taking back control.

Heebies, what's F.O.G? I'm usually pretty good at guessing these but you've got me on that one, lol.

Just pulling up outside our house, have never been so relieved to be home!

Thank goodness you're back in your home. MIL, FIL and DH are extremely lucky you're still willing to spend a week with MIL. Cut the frequency of the visits down, too. Your DH can go and visit them on his own for longer if he wants.

All of them sound awful. I'm so sorry

Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Usually the case when someone has grown up in a dysfunctional family.

Mil sounds a narcissistic twat bag
She knows exactly what she's doing to you.
I would recommend pointing it out to her in black and white.
The only way to manage people like her is to tell them how things are going to be.
Don't allow her any room for manouevre.

Just one thought,

She's found a great stick to beat you with, she calls you 'lazy' I had a twat do this to me, chasing my own tail in a desperate attempt to prove them wrong. See it for what it is, a word that gets them a response. However hard you try she's gonna beat you with it. In fact the harder you try the MORE it will sting.

Take a step back.

Every time she says it, make it true...do one less job, sit down, demand a cuppa, go for a nap.

Last time I tried this It worked a treat. I just say 'yep. I'm bone. Fucking. Idle. Bring us another cuppa while you're up will you' you have just disarmed them.

And your husband sounds useless. Sorry.

Op I'm really concerned about your description of your DH. Not only does he not protect you from his DM but he actually blames you for not just taking her abuse. He doesn't sound like an involved parent plus the story about him punching a hole in a wall because of a 4 week old crying is actually terrifying.
I'm not sure you realise what a vulnerable position you are in. You are away from your home country and your DS was born there. If you split up, do you think DH would let you move home with DS?

I always see MNers say this and it's always true. More than an MIL problem you have a DH problem. He needs to take ownership for what he does and he needs to stand up for you. Absent that, you seem to be doing everything else right - reducing contact to a level you are comfortable with and not taking their "help" anymore.

Sorry you've had a rough few days! It sounds exhausting. And like such a sustained campaign to get you to roll over and toe the line that they literally don't know how to react when you refuse to finally! Good luck with setting up those boundaries!