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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My sister is driving me insane!

7 replies

Kealzz · 18/09/2017 15:56

I'm after a little bit of advice if possible.

Back story is my biological father walked when I was a baby out and didn't look back. I got in touch with him in my mid teens and we had an awkward, strained relationship for about 18months then he walked away again.

Six (ish) years ago I had a message on facebook from my 13 year old half sister, he did the same thing to her 13 years after me and is pretty much just a giant waste of space.

So sister and me have been in touch ever since, I find her quite difficult to talk to sometimes and I wouldn't describe our relationship as being close, though I would like it to be. It's always been a bit one sided which was fine when she was a kid, except she isn't anymore. She's 19, she moved close to me about 7 months ago, I sorted her out with benefits, I paid her deposit, the only thing I asked for in return is that she got a job or went to college. She has done neither!

She sits around all day doing naff all, she says she want to come over but always manages to miss the one bus, I live in the middle of nowhere and there is only one bus a day, but then she expects a chauffer, it's 11 miles but by the time I've sat outside her place for 10 minutes it's an hour round trip, I have a job, a husband, two kids and she cant make the effort to be up and dressed and on a bus at 2pm. What the hell? But the worst thing is she says she's coming, and then doesn't, she says to the kids she's coming and then she doesn't. But she doesn't even tell me, so I've sat here today waiting for her to rock up like a prize pickle and no sign at all, so I ring, then I ring, then I ring again - nothing. Then I send a sh*tty message on Facebook, she reads it, then nothing. Half an hour later she sends 'sorry'.

I give up! This is not just once, this is constant, she's like a bit lost, and a bit depressed, ffs I'd be depressed if I sat around all day with the curtains closed tapping on my phone with no one to talk to. But I cant keep doing this with her, I've cut our idiot father out for just this very inconsiderate, want to be part of your life on minute, cbfa the next, I'll make promises I have no intention of keeping, I'll twist the truth to suit me crap, and it's like she's got too much of his lazy crappy attitude in her. Aside from this I have quite a normal family and maintain good relationships with all of them (even the in-laws most of the time) so I don't understand why this is so hard.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 18/09/2017 16:07

YANBU to be annoyed but YABU to compare her to your father. She's a teenager - many of them are notoriously unreliable, especially when it comes to leaving the house before the evening - and she sounds like she's struggling, possibly with depression. I think you've been extremely good to her and you're well within your rights to be cross, or even cut back on contact a bit - but I don't think any of this is a sign that she's like your dad, just that she's a teen who's not having a very good time.

Kealzz · 18/09/2017 18:36

She's an adult, physically and legally, when I was her age I'd spent 2 years working 40 hour weeks along side doing my A levels. At 19 I spent the year working a 70 hours week in a care job saving for a nursing degree placement I never ended up taking. And nobody ever did a fraction for me than I've done to help her. Her attitude is that of our father, you can say that is unreasonable but it doesn't make it any less true. No I haven't said this to her and I wouldn't, simply venting my frustration in an anonymous forum. I'm just struggling to know what the f to do with her.

OP posts:
SusanTheGentle · 18/09/2017 18:42

Oh what a miserable situation. Fwiw I think there's a balance here between no contact at all and running around after her.

What about something like "we'd love to see you on Sunday but I can't pick up that day - we'll be in between 9 and 11 then we're going to X, pop in if you can and you're welcome to join if you want to come out with us, my treat, if you can get here before 11."

So you aren't stuck in all day but it's less pressure for her than an exact time/arrangement.

Kealzz · 18/09/2017 19:11

No contact is the last thing I want, I just cant keep chasing my tail with her, I've got enough on with my own family, and work and life in general.

When she comes she can stay for the night, or two, or three, she sleeping in my 5 year olds room and she bunks in with her sister.

The location is a bit of a problem but she knew that when she moved here, she moved to the town that was slightly further away because of job opportunities that she has taken zero advantage of.

My mum was having a party a couple of weeks ago, she RSVP'd then didn't show, I rang her 3 times and no answer, she said her phone was broken. I had that excuse about 8 times now, funnily enough the phone has never been replaced and works fine any other time.

I want to be her sister, not her mum, not her chauffer, not her ATM and I'm not interested in this one sided crap anymore. I'm just at the point where I feel drained, like she's taken all I am prepared to give now until I start to get something back. I'm not asking for much, simply a bit of consideration.

OP posts:
TitaniasCloset · 19/09/2017 12:34

I think you need to sit her down with a nice glass of wine perhaps and explain to her how unacceptable this behaviour is. She is clearly depressed and quite immature so she just might not know.

When I was much younger I used to behave like this and it was an old school psychiatrist I was seeing who finally sat me down and explained to me how rude it is to miss appointments and waste other peoples time like that. I actually hadn't considered it from the other persons point of view, just assumed they knew I was flaky and were professionals so it didn't matter. I changed from that point on. I'm still flaky but I try not to let my flakiness affect other people.

Right now I'm looking after a couple of teenage boys with the same issues and I think ADHD. My strategy that seems to be working is to be on their case and praise all good behaviour.

I know you are busy with your own life and won't have time to do that for her I'm just giving an example. Not every teen has it together depending on their upbringing.

I'm wondering if its anxiety that stops her phoning to say she will be late or to cancel. Maybe she winds herself up trying to force herself to go and feels to embarrassed to just phone up and say sorry, I'm having an anxiety attack/depressed and can't make it?

TitaniasCloset · 19/09/2017 12:35

Too embarrassed I meant

TitaniasCloset · 20/09/2017 01:28

Op didn't come back, no?

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