AIBU to use my SIL's house whilst she is away?

[OverbearingHouseSitter]

Just that really.

SIL is younger, single and childless. Hence her flat is empty when she is away on holiday. Has a small flat and she gave me the key and told me to "free feel to pop in" and keep an eye on the place. Her flat is also halfway between the first and second leg of my work commute so she said if I want to pop in to get a cup of tea before starting the second leg to do so .

Anyway last night was unbearable at home, husband was was off work and was in a bad mood due to argument with MIL, kids were being awful and I just wanted a break. Told my husband (who is off for a week and often stays out all night whilst I look after kids!) I was going out to see a friend and would stay over, went to SIL's house and had a lovely night sleeping on her rather comfortable sofa, drinking wine I bought and eating chocolate.

I now feel relaxed and reset. Have put everything back where it was, dusted, cleaned and didn't touch her food.

WIBU to do so? WIBU if I didn't tell SIL? And WIBU to do it again as she's away for 12 more days?

Don't want to be a cheeky bugger but god it's nice having time to myself.

She said to pop in. Sounds like she wants someone to make sure it's not being burgled every now and then. I wouldn't tell her because if she's your DH sister (assuming as she is your single SIL) then she'll feel in an awkward place to keep that from DH. I would maybe address the issues with your DH that mean you have to escape from them. Can he stop going out all night? Maybe put more of an effort in to spend some happy time with you?

I'd run it by her if you're planning on doing it again, if she says no then at least you've left no trace of the first time

Sounds heavenly though

I know I should have asked but it was spur of the moment, felt like I'd burst into tears if I didn't get out of my house for a bit.
I can tell her when she gets backs... we have a good relationship. But wondering if I need too if I have literally touched nothing.
Can say I've popped in, but don't want to mention staying over as she'd ask why and then I'd have to tell her about how her brother (my DH) was being a dick to me due to her mother upsetting me and she's only 23, I don't want to disillusion her about her family. She doesn't know how bad her brother and MIL relationship is so I'd have to tell her this to justify using her house...

You could always say you had an uber early meeting at work and wanted to stay the night to practice a non-existent powerpoint presentation without disturbing anyone at home.

Aww, I can totally understand why you needed this, I reached a point once when sleeping in the car was comparatively peaceful compared to being in the house with my exP. But I'm afraid your problems aren't ones that it's easy to hide from. Staying away yourself isn't going to solve the fact that your husband is out all night. You might feel reset by it, but the fact is there's always a round two. Your marriage sounds like it's in real, real trouble and your homelife with a guy who takes a week off separately and uses it to escape any domestic responsibility sounds horrible. You deserve much more on an everyday basis, not just the occasional sneaky night away with wine and chocs.

DH and I definitely have issues... he works night shifts as a cop and is often very tired and gets rude when tired. I actually prefer it when he's at work sometimes

He's a good man and I put his rudeness down to tiredness as even when he's off he struggles as his sleeping pattern changes.

MIL asked him to drop her off somewhere, he did so then she rang him half an hour later requesting pick up without telling him this. He then missed going out with his friend to go get her, they had a massive argument.

I came back shopping just as he got from picking up MIL and he got angry with me as he had planned to do a roast dinner for all of us and I got a lamb joint that he said was the "wrong type." He then called me a "rubbish shopper" and said the only way we'd be eating was if he slow cooked it.
Went on about the lamb for twenty minutes,
then asked me if I done the washing after I'd been at work all day and collected kids from childminder. He is off work remember!

I then said friend needs me and went to SIL as I felt near tears or like having a massive argument.

Also thank you to everyone who has been so nice

Let her know now you have done it and she can always tell you if she doesnt want you to do it again.

Went on about the lamb for twenty minutes, then asked me if I done the washing after I'd been at work all day and collected kids from childminder. He is off work remember! He sounds like an arsehole. But it's your life.

You don't need to tell her that her DBro is a wanker. You can just say, "would it be OK for me to stay at your flat a night? I need a break!". Before you do it again.

My SIL is aware that her brother isn't perfect! Good job too.

Just read your last post. My DH has the same job and has grumpiness but has never spoken to me that way. If he did I would challenge him. He might have stress issues from work (we have lots of cop friends with issues like this). being bitchy to your spouse is not just the result of tiredness. Its not acceptable and call him up on it. If either myself or my DH have an attitude problem, whatever the reason, we call each other out and have time out (perhaps like you had) and speak about it regardless.

I'm not sure the problem here is you staying at your SIL, but rather your husband's behaviour. It's not normal to be spoken to like that. Being tired isn't an excuse to be mean. And if he's struggling with his shifts to the point he's speaking to you like you're a piece of garbage, then he needs a new job. Because you don't deserve to walk on egg shells.

Ahh, night shifts. My dad was like a new man once he stopped them. Any way he can shift into a day based police role? They do exist and honestly made a massive difference to my family.

It's funny! But I would have asked SIL first, it's an act of trust.

I don't think it was overly cheeky given that she'd asked you to pop in and said you can use it for a cup of tea before work etc, yes perhaps you should have asked first but doesn't seem like she'd be cross about it. I would tell her though just because a neighbour may mention they'd seen the lights on late at night or something? Better that you tell her straight away before it's queried and then you tell her imo.

Why didn't he tell his mum that he couldn't pick her up or his friend that he would be late meeting?

He was a twat about the roast!

" "would it be OK for me to stay at your flat a night? I need a break!". "

Sounds like a plan!

He gets tired and rude. I tell him not too. We have a big augment. He makes a change, it's good for a few months. Then he gets rude again. It's wrong and I hate it. Yet I always speak to him and it never changes for long.

Aside from that, all is good. We have a good relationship aside from the petty comments about shopping, etc.. He is just always rude when he is getting ready for work. And it does my head in.

At the same time I'd never leave him over that, but I still don't know how to get him to permanently stop.

I might keep quiet about the first time, but I would ask her for next time, even if you have to make up a reason.

It sounds positive that he makes a change each time you do speak to him. Ive been married 7 years and we do go through emotional ups and downs that can lead to arguments (usually about something else) as long as he speaks to you each time and tones down and you are willing to keep up with the marriage, go for it. My marriage is far from perfect and its hard work but we are a couple and work through problems together and try not to have a go at each other. If we do we apologise.

Using someone else's place in a way you've not been specifically invited to can cause all sorts of problems, so although I sympathise greatly, I'd advise you to overnight in a Premier Inn or similar.

There's a thing about popping in to keep an eye on the place, whereby you wouldn't be using anything at all and staying overnight where you'd be using the gas, electric appliances, bath/shower etc.
e.g. if you accidentally left a tap running and it flooded her flat or forgot to switch something electrical off, or anything you could accidentally do, would her insurance cover it because she was away and you as "unauthorised guest" had caused the problem.
I'd guess her insurance wouldn't pay out, then that could cause huge problems if you couldn't cover the cost of any repairs, let alone the inconvenience to her.

Bottom line - it's never worth using something of someone else's without their explicit permission.

I wouldn't even tell her tbh. You slept on the sofa, not her bed, and didn't touch anything.

But maybe ask if you could crash there before doing it again?

YABU - that's wrong on so many levels.
She offered to let you make a cup of tea, not stay the night.

I really don't think this is OK. He's not just tired and rude, he's consistently tired and rude. The two things are very different. Even well-mannered people will snap when absolutely shattered, but to consistently vent anger and frustration against you isn't on. I understand what you're saying about him being a good man in other ways, but that doesn't mean this isn't a serious issue. The speaking to you for 20 minutes about bullying sounds like a form of belittling bullying, to be honest.

I'm not saying that couples don't occasionally snap or argue. I honestly don't know any couple who are close who haven't occasionally been rude to one another. But this sounds more like it's the background music of your life, which is worrying. If it's reached the point where you need to get away just for the sake of your sanity, something is close to breaking.

wouldnt bother me although i would rather you tell me.

sounds like a nice night.

for the wife of a cop and for your DH. You guys are awesome to work so hard for keeping us all safe.