to be angry at my mum/family's silent treatment?

[californiadreamer]

I'll try and keep this brief.

I asked my brother if he could house/pet sit while we were away on holiday for a week. I have quite a few house sitters I could call on but I asked him first because a) he's currently living with my mum and sometimes he needs a bit of his own space and some peace and quiet; b) he is also stuck in the sticks and we are in town so thought he would appreciate being more in the thick of things and c) I knew he could use some money so I was going to pay him the same as my house sitter.

Because he has no money I paid for his train ticket here and back, bought him a week's worth of groceries and added him to my car insurance so he could get about town.

To put it in context - he is in his 40s, living with my mum and her husband, jobless but looking, recovering alcoholic - he's had his issues.

Anyway - my brother arrived after we left and left the morning of the day we got home.

When we got home:

1. my 11 year old daughter's fish were dead in an aquarium of murky green water. She discovered them herself and was hysterical!

2. the cats had peed all over my son's bed and daughter's bedroom (I'd asked my brother not to let the cats upstairs)

3. he'd got me a parking ticket - left it for me on the kitchen counter offering to pay

4. plants were dead

5. food was off and rotting in the fridge.

So...

1. • parking ticket - ok, so this can happen to anyone, especially if you don't know about parking restrictions. (i paid the charge as he has no money)

2. patio plants dead - we had an unexpected heat wave that week so I hasn't asked him to water them - but still, common sense?

3. cats peeing upstairs - no excuse here really as I had asked him not to let them upstairs - and he should have noticed it and perhaps cleared it up rather than leaving it for me to find?

4. fish - this is the one I am most angry about. Ok so fish can die - these things happen but what I find really hard about this is he could have warned me so I would have broken the news to my daughter gently rather than let her run upstairs excitedly to look at her fish and discover them dead.

So - how did I handle it? Well - badly. I didn't cover myself in glory let's say - but then again i wasn't unreasonable.

I called my mum's house to speak to him and he claims he didn't know the fish were dead. It was a short conversation because my daughter was upset. I find this really hard to believe - as my daughter said "how could they have been alive" what with the state of the tank. It turns out also he had been sleeping on my sofa all week like a hobo instead of using the bed - find that a bit disgusting really but then maybe I'm a bit particular about my things? But what that means is I think he rarely went upstairs at all.

So I called back the next day again to speak to my mum and try and explain what had happened. Point here - she didn't call me to check my daughter/her granddaughter was ok - no concern about her being upset at all. I had to call them. But I just needed her to hear so that she could understand why I was a bit upset.
Turns out my brother was in the room - everything i said she then repeated out loud for him to hear - and in the end she started shouting at me saying "well, it's not his fault, he doesn't know how to look after fish"... I started getting cross and accused her of never taking my side or trying to understand my position (I know, childish right?)

and then she hung up on me and we haven't spoken since.

So - is it me? Am I being the unreasonable one? Let's just say there's a lot of back story here about my family and my brothers - but won't bore you with it.

Just feel like I'm being blamed for being angry? Any ideas what I do next?

No, YANBU.
What can you do? Not a lot really, your brother sounds like a waste of space and your mums enabling that behaviour. Personally I'd be so mad I'm not sure I'd want to talk to them for a long time so I'd welcome the silent treatment but that easy for me to say.
for you and your daughter.

YANBU and I think you were very kind to give your brother this opportunity.

I'm so sorry about the fish but glad the cats are OK, all things considered it sounds like they were lucky.

As per pp for you and DD

YANBU, thats awful. It sounds like your brother is the Golden Child and can do no wrong, and thats a very difficult family dynamic to deal with.

Thanks - that makes me feel better! Families! You know how it is sometimes though - you think why is everyone mad at ME!! I haven't done anything wrong :-(

But yes, to be honest I am quite enjoying the silent treatment - no drama at least!

He's an alcoholic.
He is unable to take responsibility for his own life hence having no job and living with his parents.

I think your mistake is that you haven't accepted the reality of that.
You treat him as though he is a fully functioning adult with the mental capacity to take responsibility for day to day normal activities.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you should never have gone as far out as you did for him.

He didn't need adding to your car insurance - he could have walked or used public transport.
He got a parking ticket - where was he and what was he doing if he has literally ZERO money?
He obviously does have an income from somewhere - even if it's benefits.
He offered to pay, so why didn't he just pay it or take it home to pay when his funds came in? And just let you know what had happened?
You picking up that tab is not making him take responsibility.
The act of leaving it for you to see and making the right noises about paying for it - that's just him being manipulative and knowing he can wriggle out of taking responsibility, whilst still looking like a 'good guy'.

He hasn't touched the food you bought, not done the simplest of tasks of feeding your pets, plants or cleaning........so what WAS he doing all week?
Sat on his arse drinking whether it was in your house or in a pub.

His arrogance at not acknowledging his behavior or the damage and hurt caused, his lack of sincere apology or explanation - it smacks of huge disrespect....and this is all AFTER you went as far as you did for him re tickets, food, insurance etc.

I don't think it was right to involve your mum - this is between you and your brother.
From your mothers reaction, i assume she is his enabler as i bet he is just as disrespectful, rude, irresponsible and lazy there as well.

If it were me i would expect him to pay towards the parking ticket and damage caused....even if it comes out of his booze money.
However, i wouldn't hold out much hope of parting an alcoholic from his drinking money.

If i were you i'd be having this conversation with him face to face and expecting him to apologise - especially to your dd.

He may class himself as 'recovering' but this is the behaviour of someone who is still stuck in that self centred cycle of addiction.

He's it's you, I'm. It sure why you've involved your mum tbh, yhenissue is with your brother, your making your mum the middleman without even asking her if she wants to be.

It takes a lot longer than a week for a fish tank to get into a state like you have described?

And most plants can generally go for a week without being watered? They may be in not the best state, but dead?

I would be fuming, and give them the silent treatment for a while, what exactly did u pay him for, sitting on his arse all week and doing nothing

I agree that you don't seem to acknowledge the extent of your Brother's issues.

The worse thing you could have done was to throw money at him and leave him to his own devices.

Did you consult with your Mum before you made the offer?

Accept their shortcomings and stop expecting things from them.

I wouldnt have asked him in the first place really.

Sounds like your only mistake was expecting something better from him. oh dear.

I don't understand why you specifically called to speak to your mum about it. What exactly did it have to do with her? Aside from that, you entrusted your home, pets and car to someone who can't even look after himself. Why did you think that was a good idea?

I think heebie has it right.

You overestimate your DB at the same time treating him like a teenager.
Thinking he would take responsibility whilst helping him avoid it.

I am not judging you. If thats how your family do things it probably seems normal to you.

I agree that you've not realised the extent of your brother's issues.

Sorry about the fish x

Your brother is a useless, irresponsible piece of crap. Anyone over the age of 12 should be able to do those things when housesitting. You've bent over backwards to allow him to have a nice week, and he's done absolutely nothing. Your poor DD!

It sounds like he's one of those awful spoiled men who is surrounded by family women who enable his shitty behaviour. I hope this incident wises you up to the he basically takes, takes, takes and gives nothing back. Until you and the rest of the family start insisting on some reciprocity from him, he will never stand on his own two feet. Totally pathetic.

So all this is the OP's fault because she left a grown man in charge of a few fish and a couple of cats? FFS.

YANBU at all.
It sounds like you're trying to help your brother by giving him some responsibility and also helping him earn a few quid which was really nice of you!
I think your mum should be grateful to you and would have thought she'd be glad for him to get out of their house the week and be doing something useful?
I think her reaction is very unfair and I feel for you as you were doing a good thing here. She should have given him a good kick up the @rse and have him replace the fish and apologize to you

It sounds like he used the time at your house on his own to have a bender. What state was the house in when you came home?

Don't trust him with anything like this ever again unless he is able to stop drinking. It sounds as if your mum is enabling him by making excuses for him so it's probably best not to get too involved if possible as she'll be defensive of her own actions as well as his.

You have every right to be fuming but I don't think there is anything you can do beyond this. Its awful, and I feel so bad for your DD, but you are just going to have to move on from this.

Don't do your brother any more favours. Don't throw anything his way unless he has shown he is capable. Did you already pay him?

As for your mother, you aren't going to change her mind. Try to get to a place where her issues don't bother you as much. I would wait until she reaches out, as she was the one who hung up on you.

So all this is the OP's fault because she left a grown man in charge of a few fish and a couple of cats? FFS.

No, but the definition of madness is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results

this guy ALWAYS lets others down...

OP, I read your post thinking what a nice sister you sound like. Clearly, your family has its issues. Are you the scapegoat? (It sounds like it.)

I think you might need to lower your expectations and not rely on your brother again. Lesson learned.

Does a fish tank really get that bad in a week? We used to go on holiday for a fortnight, leave them one of those 'feed for a fortnight food blocks" and never had a problem.

I can't even get over you paying your brother to house sit when he is in his 40s!

Especially when it gets him out of his mums house and into the city for a bit and then to buy groceries and car insurance. You were treating him more like your teenage child than a grown man.

Certainly he should be paying the parking ticket and refunding whatever you paid him.

Sleeping on the sofa and mouldy food he sounds like a pig, I wouldn't have him back in the house.

Fish tank- I bet he put way too much food in there the first day and then massive algae bloom, high nitrates/nitrites(can never remember which is which) and then dead fish. BUT they would have died one by one- he should have been fishing them out and called to ask for help as soon as the first one died. He was a knob not to even send a text about it.

What did you even pay him for? He didn't water the plants or look after the animals.

Surely fish are only fed once a week and the tank wouldn't go like that in a week? Where were they? If in her room my guess is that she hadn't been looking after them before you went. Sorry to be harsh but that couldn't be down to one week's neglect.

Cat and parking tickets and plants - well within your rights to be hacked off though.