How does childcare by family members work?

[BillSaysDoYourJob]

Hello

I've NC'd but have been here a while etc etc.

My boyfriend and I have been together a few years and we are discussing kids, marriage etc. (I realise boyfriend makes me sound about 15 years old but I hate OH, DP etc ha!)

My mum, who's in her fifties and on a low-wage 'job' rather than 'career'-type role (and therefore not fussed about quitting it), keeps dropping into conversation that she can't wait to look after our kids, if/when we have them.

Putting aside the weird pressure I feel as she's planned out her next decade or so based on the children that neither me nor my sister are entirely sure we want (which she thinks, only semi-jokingly, is selfish of us) - how does this work?

She can't afford not to work, so would we pay her for caring for our child; or rather, is this what she's envisioning? How do other families do it?

I like the idea of my child Going to a nice nursery where they learn and play with other kids - as much as I adore my mum, they wouldn't get that same opportunity at home with her. Am I looking a gift horse in the mouth here? Or is it awful to consider letting my mum look after these hypothetical children at below-market rates? Am I turning my mother into some kind of baby-feeding slave?! ;)

Obviously this is all UTTERLY IRRELEVANT considering I have recently got the coil and therefore won't be taking on any small humans in the near future, but it's been weighing on my mind as she's so bloody excited for me to spawn her some adorable grandkids.

I feel like I should try and soften the blow of her imagined retirement where she plays with heaps of toddlers all day long, when it's probably not going to happen (or, for you all to tell me that everyone on MN packs the kids off to DM's Mon-Fri, pays the going rate, and that the children are rigorously Montessori-schooled the whole time, in which case I will shut up and tell my mum to start turning my old room into a playroom)...

My mum kept going on about how much she was looking forward to looking after my kids, to the extent that we moved closer to allow her to do so. Turned out in practice she wasn't really envisaging a regular childcare scheme ( although she had definitely said several times that her looking after DS would save him from going to nursery): she did end up having him from 10am to about 3.30pm once week, at our house, for two years so fair enough, but it became a massive favour that we had asked for, rather than something she had consistently offered to do.

I suppose what I am saying is mums sometimes talk the talk but then don't necessarily want to walk the walk.

Are you asking whether most childcare by grandparents is done for free? If so, I believe much is, though not all.

What worked best for us in the end (after a bit of trying different arrangements) was:

• DC at nursery three - four days a week
• GP one - two days a week, but full days (they either have to live close or stay over to make this work)
• not paying as such, but covering expenses (petrol, trips out, food)

This felt like the best of both worlds in terms of structured play and the wider social experience plus family / home care

I personally would not want to get into arrangements to pay my parents to look after my DC. I don't want that transactional relationship with them (What do you do when they get sick? Are you going to pay tax and NI? Are they?)

My mil looks free ds when we work. He refuses to accept any money. It was either she did it or one of us quit work because we both work shifts in the nhs and there is no such thing as child care to fit around it (even the onsite nursery is only mon-fri 7:30-18:00).
She does take him to playgroup and we've offered to pay for a few days at nursery so she can have a few hours off but she won't have any of it.
Luckily because we work shifts she actually has him far less than if we worked regular 9-5, it's just she has him at awkward times.

Oh and my mil was already retires with a good pension so she isn't losing money looking after ds

Yeah I think that's my concern - if it becomes in effect her job, do we need to make that official, etc? Do I even want that? Is she EXPECTING/wanting full-time caring duties?

Part of it, I strongly suspect, is the fact that we are planning to move a couple of hours away for boyfriend's job, and this is her way of saying 'don't move, because you won't have grandparental childcare if you do!'. Keeps asking if this is our five year plan etc

We use nursery because it's reliable. Nursery doesn't go off sick or take last minute holidays. Plus the DC love it and my eldest has gone to school with his nursery friends.

It also means that the grandparents get to do the fun babysitting and the odd emergency. I can't imagine they would want to do extra if they were looking after the dc on a daily basis.

Childcare is your choice. Your DM won't miss out because your future DC go to nursery. And pressuring you now when you haven't got any is ridiculous.

By I would pay I meant if grandparents were offering care five days a week, 9-6 like a nursery. They'd be saving me thousands of pounds so I'd happily pay something in that scenario. I wouldn't worry about it becoming a "transactional relationship" as I feel like providing full time child care is far beyond 'normal' grandparent levels of interaction and I'd feel like I was taking advantage of my parents or in laws otherwise.

For the odd day or babysitting or one day a week I wouldn't. Just that if it was a regular,
arranged thing such as like it would be with a childminder I would pay.

My parents love the DC but I'm not under the illusion that they'd want to spend 40 hours a week looking after my exhausting, mad, crazy energetic toddler for nothing but the joy and love of it

Oh don't get me wrong, if it was 9-5 I'd definitely pay her! But that sounds/feels weird, hence assuming that probably wasn't the norm.

I think I'd definitely be more comfortable with mostly nursery. And secretly think my mum would definitely lose enthusiasm after a while - I think her dislike of her job is colouring her view on this too. I think she's picturing dropping in to see her friends with her adorable well-behaved grandchildren for a cup of tea, not the actual slog of daily childcare.

It's a lot to think about though - actual parents, you have my utmost respect at thinking about nursery places on top of the 100000 other things. I can just about remember to feed us and the cats. The plants have no chance.

DM is a 'housewife' she looks after DS 1/2 days a week, she wants to do it as it gives her something to do...we pay for her train fare to our house.f

MIL works full time, she looks after DS 1 afternoon a week on her day off...again, she volunteered - I did say to DH isn't it a bit much for her but she's one of those people that likes always being busy. She has a freedom pass for the tube so we don't pay her for travel costs.

They are both lovely but it is hard work for them so I try to make it easier by leaving meals and by taking DS to toddler groups on my days off.

If you want to claim childcare vouchers of the childcare part or wtc then your mum would need to a a registered childminder.
Childminding by families is usually for free. There are advantages and disadvantages. The main advantage is cost and flexibility I.e. If you miss your train you probably won't pick up late fees. The biggest disadvantage is a lack of control and blurred boundaries.

Fwiw it's worth I use a brilliant childminder but if DD is sick and can't go to the cm then my mum has her.
My mum is too old to be able to manage full time childcare but loves having when she can.