it unreasonable to want to address the issues that caused the breakdown in the relationship

[magicfarawaytree]

with inlaws before being prepared to have a a relation ship with them. They just want the past to be the past and just sweep it all ( long story of the not good enought dil ( wrong colour, money grabber etc according to mil) and the sil who tried to barter a relationship with her own mother on the back of gossiping about me)

How would you address the issues with them?

sit down with them seperately. if you dont own your actions how can you have an honest relationship is my view.

Do you really want to be friends with people who have treated you so badly?
What does your DH say?
And would they listen and be reasonable or would you be hitting your head on a brick wall?

Do you want the relationship for the sake of your children?

I dont actually want a relationship with them personally. However, I recognise that my issues are with them. They are not my childrens issues. and therefore for the sake of my children I would like communication at least respectful and considerate. The underlying tension is if not already identifiable will be soon for my children and it is not fair on them. But them continuing as we are is not an option things will blow. Every time sil or mil is allowed to perpertuate unreasonable behaviour it escalates a little. It is only when I 'blow' that they then tiptoe around me for a while before the unreasonable behaviour starts again. They are like children indulge them and they get worse. for example dh is crap with presents, phonecalls etc. Sil say you buy your children presents from us and sets a budget of 15 per child. we will buy our children presents from you,same budget and then we will save on the hassle of posting and postage etc. fine, except we have 3 children they only have 2. At no point did they send a cheque for £15 for our third child, nor a gift, or gift voucher. This goes on for a year then the next year she rings up moaning how awful we are for not sending her children presents on their birthdays even though she sent us presents on our childrens birthdays. At no point did she say things had changed. DH says nothing, does not point out actually you have never bought our dd3 a birthday present even though she is 2. so she thinks she is vindicated in her belief she has been badly treated. Before we had children she would tell us to buy ' xyz' present average 40-50£ as soon as we had dd1 it was we need to set a budget lets choose £15.

There's quite a lot of pain and frustration here. You need to be clear in your own mind what you want before you enter any discussions/negotiations with them.

All I want is some honesty about what has caused such a poor relationship. As is stands I still have to put up with a substandard relationship, how can I set an example of a healty relationship for my chilren in these circumstance.

But I think you're being very optimistic to think you can have openness and honesty in a relationship where you are their 'ex' and I don't really understand why you want it. You don't like these people, they don't like you. I would aim for politeness and civility for the sake of your DC and then make your friendships elsewhere. I really foresee heartache otherwise, sorry to be so negative.

sadly ( well no sadly ifyswim) am not an 'ex' dil or sil or that would be an end to it all. I dont want to be friends with them. I guess I want accountability. Its taken along time for me to get to the point where I can say 'i deserver them to be accountable for their behaviour and to apologies for it'. it may be optomistic true. but I want them to be ashamed,without them owning this I can see nothing but sorrow for my children.

I don't understand why you personally want to pursue a relationship with them given your history. Let them see your kids by all means if you're that way inclined (I'm not with my ILs or some of my own family - similar issues to you) but that doesn't mean you have to see them.

IME trying to make people accountable for past behaviour never works - they're either too stupid to see the error of their ways or too caught up in the "I am always right" mindset to admit that they're the ones with the problem.

problem is that mil has made 'racist' remarks infront of dd1. even though dd1 too young to understand, dh was present but did not address it. She would have no respect of our values or wishes given unlimited access and dh would not address it ( another issue sigh). As it is she comes to my house to see them,I leave them to it but I am in the house. I dont want a relationship personally but think that it is a shame if there is not going to be enough repect going forward for dcs to have an extended family.

I know where you're coming from when you say it's a shame if your DD's can't have an extended family but it's their fault not yours. Sounds like you've bent over backwards to accommodate them. I would just lay down the law rather than enter into a debate.

But then I'm a "kick your arse" kind of girl

I have laid down the law but its getting awfullying tiring enforcing it. Guess what I would like is dh to step up to the plate and kick his family into touch. but alas backbones, dhs and ils seem to be mutally exclusive. we were there at the weekend and saturday evening the only drink alcoholic or non alcoholic that I was offered was one glass of ame. not bad considering we were staying over night. but there are no issues honest. dh was treated to 4cans of beer.

I'm sorry, when I read the thread title about breakdown of relationship it sounded as if you and your DH had split up. I believe that when you marry your allegiance is first to your spouse and children and second to your family of origin, unless there are exceptional circumstances eg serious illness. So the key here, it seems to me, is your DH. He needs to put your needs before those of his mother/sister etc. That takes quite a lot of maturity.