To be irritated by my mum

[mumofone234]

I think I'm probably being unfair (and also ungrateful) but may need a kick up the backside regarding how annoying I'm finding my mum. To be fair to her, she's been so much help since my six-month-old DS was born. She doesn't work so is around a lot and has 'swept in' and been around almost every day (I go to her or she comes to me).

But now I'm finding her a bit annoying. She's constantly inputting about what I should be doing, and trying to take over. She buys everything for my son as soon as I mention he needs or likes something. When we're out I feel she 'performance parents' him - either singing loudly into his pram or, if he's facing outwards in a sling on my chest, popping up in front of my constantly and booming into his face. If we're in a town or village she likes to push the pram and say hello to everyone while she does it. If I say I may not go over to her on a certain day (she seems to have created a routine for me) she gets huffy and goes on and on about how we need to get out of the house. I know it's just because she wants to see DS and not because she truly thinks I need to get out (when it's just DS and I we still go out for walks etc.) She's assuming she'll have DS when I go back to work and keeps telling everyone this, and going on about all the things they'll do when it's just the two of them. I feel really pushed out and know I'm going to hate leaving him with her all the time, but it seems crazy to pay so much for a nursery when I have a willing childminder. I guess I'm feeling a bit powerless and scared to rock the boat incase she gets upset or refuses any help at all.

My mum has always been very self-centred and narcissistic, and I'm afraid she's using DS to get attention for herself, or just wants to edge me out. But am I just being a wet blanket - or a massive ingrate? Please be kind - I already think I'm probably in the wrong.

I don't have a solution but I do sympathise.

At least if she looking after him when you go back to work she'll get her time with him when you're not around and you can spend more time just you and dc.

I personally would let her have dc whilst you work and see how it goes, depending on how often she has him she might find it too much and want to do less days.

When do you go back to work?

I'm back at work in January and already dreading it...

You know your mum and none of us do. If you really feel she is trying to take over and edge you out, then I would be extremely wary of using her for childcare. You will be dependent on her and it doesn't sound as if she'll respect your wishes. Or can you at least minimise this by having her look after DS only once a week?
As for now, perhaps a simple "We're doing what works for us, thanks" repeated when she criticises. Can you do more stuff like Jo Jingles, baby groups, meeting friends etc so you won't see her as much?

She's self centred but helped you daily with your newborn and tries to take the financial strain off you?

I think that there should be a bit of distance between you, but you bond with a baby that you see daily and miss them when you don't.

It would be stupid to pay out for childcare, so try her out.

Stop including her in all trips and sharing what you need/are going to buy.

If she doubles up, it stays at her house etc. You get to pick and buy what you want to use, yourself.

Oh god seeing my mum daily would drive me bonkers, as much as I love her. I resent the daily calls half the time. I want time for me and dc, I don't want to be tied to her wants and timescales.

Cut the daily visits. Tell her straight, you need time with ds one on one. You won't get this time back and it's a terrible thing to look back and resent the time when your baby is tiny.

As for childcare can you do a mix? Her do 2 days and the rest with a cm or nursery?

What part about going back to work are you dreading?

Birdsgottafly It's the sense that she'll feel he's become 'hers' and just take over totally. I can admit I'm probably just feeling territorial in that sense.

If she doesn't work it has probably given her a new lease of life and she can tell all her friends how she looks after you and her grandson a lot and get lots of praise for it. Maybe before you had DS she was at home bored and lonely for a lot of time.

Can you let her have him for a couple of hours whilst you have a bit of time for yourself (to sleep, or read or go shopping do some exercise etc). If you have a little trial every week for a couple of hours, now before you have to go back to work it will let you know whether you could cope with your mum looking after DS or not. Also if she has him on her own she won't be forever performance parenting whilst you're there and driving you crazy, and she might tone it down when you are out together.

It's easy to get back into childhood patterns with your parents when you have a baby, because you are often suddenly much closer again and they of course know more about babies than you.

If this is making you feel bad, you as a now adult need to stop it or change it. Of course you're not going to stop your mum seeing the baby or hanging out with you sometimes, but you are an adult now and you decide what is best for you and your son.

If it makes sense FOR YOU to pay for nursery, just do it. Maybe do half and half or something. Tell her new studies have shown babies need the socialisation.

And spend the rest of your maternity leave doing what you want to do with your baby. Tell your mum you're going to take these few months to really bond with him and you'll see her once a week. And then don't listen to the ranting.

Easily said, I know. good luck.

Thanks everyone - there are some really good points there and I see now that I do need to be a bit less wet and take charge. I think I might visit the local nursery with a view to putting DS there a couple of times a week.

Nursery a couple of days a week would be a good idea. Just tell your mum you want to develop his social skills and could she just have him the days he won't be in nursery.

You need to make plans that don't involve her. You don't have to share them with her. Sorry mum, we're busy tomorrow but will see you Wednesday.

I sympathise. Unfortunately because you welcomed this in the early days and have tolerated it for so long, you now have a hell of a job on to dial it back.
Next time she oversteps with the advice, I'd interrupt and say this is a good time to raise something you need to tell her. Thank her for all her help, acknowledge you found it really helpful in the early days but tell her you are now back on your feet and you are finding it too much.
She will weep and wail and guilt trip you like mad but you must stand firm, even tell her that her reaction actually just confirms your fears that she has become overdependent on parenting your dc, when you want her to grandparent.
How often are you happy to see her? Personally I don't like anyone just breezing in without prior arrangement. Be more unavailable.
I would not rely on her as childcare if you are concerned that she will see you as a rival parent. It really muddies the waters. Professional childcare will respect your (reasonable) care decisions and parameters, it sounds like your mum thinks she knows best. If she is providing unpaid care she is very unlikely to do it your way. Offering to pay her will make no difference either because she raised you and you turned out fine etc.
I faced a similar situation with my mum when we moved in with her for a few months after I left my husband. She finished off my daughters' morning routine prior to them going to school/ nursery. I drive my eldest and the baby was collected after I left as she has special needs and has local authority transport to a special school nursery. She gradually started taking over and pushing me out, intruding on the precious two morning bath times I had with my baby, saying "We do this don't we Dd?" And physically getting between me and my daughter. I started locking the door and she came through a second dressing-room door I couldn't lock! Also yes to the loud performance parenting in public and vicelike grip on the pushchair.
When I said we were looking for a house she was very upset, but she'd also been moaning to all and sundry about how tired she was looking after the girls and making references to chores that actually only I did by agreement such as cooking, I did all the cooking for all of us but she told one friend she'd better get home to make the girls' tea!
She genuinely loved her involvement with my daughter, but she also very much enjoyed the status and martyrdom points it afforded her. Of course once we moved out she continued to have a close, loving relationship with her granddaughters but it was as it should be, not a competition.

I wouldn't worry too much - I find that mothers / mother in laws / close family tend to love the little baby stage, then once they start walking / talking / pasting dried weetabix to everything / tantrumming, the daily help tends to fade away somewhat .

As much as I adore my dear sister, she was hilarious whenever I had another baby - she would realise that the new little pink bundle was A LOT easier to handle than the potty training toddler so she'd quickly take over all care of the newborn whenever she visited, leaving everyone else to deal with the squawking 2 year old .

I would definitely investigate nursery or a child minder for a few days per week - it will give you more flexibility in the long run. Your DM will have sick days / holidays that you don't always want to take as holiday yourself if she can't look after your DS. If you're already using alternative child care a couple of days per week, there is the potential for them to take your DS (obviously dependent on their numbers) if your DM is ill / can't do it for whatever reason at random times.

Sounds like she has gone a bit potty with granny love - just tell her to tone it down a bit. If she over-reacts just tell her not to over-react and make a drama out of it, but that she is going a bit overboard and you still need a bit of room to develop your own bond with the baby.

And go round less often - if anyone saw anyone that often they would drive each other nuts.

It's so good to hear I'm not just being a massive pain - I'm going to say I've got plans for a few days this week and then investigate the nursery option. Phew!

I'd slightly back off from spending time with her; start going to some classes or groups so that you can say to your mum with a good reason (excuse) why you can't see her and then she is less likely to take it personally and will slowly get used to seeing you a bit less.
Could you have your mum look after the baby one or two days a week and nursery the rest when you go back to work. You could frame it to your mum that you don't want to exhaust her and when she protests just stick to your guns.
I think a lot of grandparents get a bit like this as it's enjoying having a baby without the 24 hour responsibility of being the parent.

I've started making some plans for next week so I can see her a bit less, and kept a firm grip on the pram when we were out shopping today! Little things, but it's made me feel like I'm regaining control.