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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doing drugs, no idea what to do

27 replies

Ilovecoleslaw · 17/09/2017 20:59

DP used to have a really bad coke addiction, stopped when we got together (1 year ago).
Read his messages tonight and saw him getting some.
I know I shouldn't have read his messages and it's my fault for snooping but it seems I'm right on this issue.
The last time we spoke about it I said I couldn't be with him if he did it again. He swore to me he would never touch it again.
I am so upset and I can't think straight.
Please help me think this through.
Idk whether to tell him not to bother coming home or see if he lies about it in the morning.
Can't stop shaking I'm so mad and upset at him
Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:
HakunaStigmata · 17/09/2017 21:02

You said you'd dump him, he did it anyway. Dump him. This will end in more grief later on. He needs help, but he needs to want it and get it himself.

HakunaStigmata · 17/09/2017 21:02

Also there's no such thing as someone who used to have an addiction. He has an addiction for life. It's up to him not to give in to it.

Mrskeats · 17/09/2017 21:03

Deal breaker for me; drugs and the lying.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/09/2017 21:09

You gave him an ultimatum which he agreed with initially. He has chosen to use drugs again and not told you about it. You'll never trust him and he will know your ultimatums are hollow.

Mittens1969 · 17/09/2017 21:14

I also say dump him, sorry. You said him using drugs would be a deal breaker so you have to follow through. Otherwise he won't take you seriously if you give him an ultimatum again.

Bambamber · 17/09/2017 21:17

He swore he would never do it again, yet has gone and done it. Speaks volumes for how much respect he has for your relationship. I would be more sympathetic if he said to begin with that it was an issue that would take time and ongoing support, and even sought help. But he didn't, and hasn't even been up front about it

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 17/09/2017 21:18

If he wants to work on managing his addiction then maybe your relationship had a chance

But he has to want to for himself not to keep up

If he doesn't then you have a choice either you stay with someone who will lie and take coke or you don't

It's a very very hard to deal with coke addiction as it's very much a social drug and many coke addicts are functioning addicts

Allthewaves · 17/09/2017 21:20

Stand by your conviction and leave or you will end up yoyoing backward and forwards in this relationship. Addicts lie.

Capricorn76 · 17/09/2017 21:21

You're only one year into the relationship so get out now before you waste anymore time. He's already proven himself to be a liar. You're in for a lifetime of hurt and financial hardship if you stay with this one. I wouldn't even spend a lot of time and energy confronting him I'd just say 'look this isn't going to work, you're clearly still bang on it so I'm off'. The end. It's a shame he's an addict but the relationship is in too much of an early stage for this to be your problem.

specialsubject · 17/09/2017 21:24

So sorry. He puts the drugs first. Good that you found out before you wasted more time.

Here's to better times and a man worthy of you.

Original poster
Ilovecoleslaw · 17/09/2017 21:24

It just doesn't feel like an early stage.
It feels like we've been together for ages. I love him and we live together. I know I won't be able to trust him after this

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 17/09/2017 21:31

He won't stop, sorry. I know someone who tried to get their partner to stop, not only did they continue, they also started dealing on a small level. Along with doing other drugs, including steroids. Either dump him or accept he's not going to change, that's up to you.

Capricorn76 · 17/09/2017 21:38

1 year is early days, you're still in the honeymoon period. Trust me, in 10 years time with a kid or two in the mix and a druggie husband, you will not be in love, you will despise him and hate yourself for wasting your life on him.

BifsWif · 17/09/2017 21:40

Get out now. It's only been a year, imagine your life ten years down the line if you stay with him, is that what you want? Your future children being affected by his drug use?

Never give an ultimatum unless you mean it. You gave him a choice and he chose drugs.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/09/2017 21:44

As Capricorn said - sorry.

I'm sure you do love him & I understand how harsh this advice must seem. It's absolutely right though, unless you can deal with a lifetime of relapses. Some people can, some (me included) couldn't.

Maskoff · 17/09/2017 21:46

Cocaine users will ruin your life either financially or mentally or both
Stay away from them. It will hurt you but you deserve better it will only get worse

RedForFilth · 17/09/2017 22:14

OP I had a ketamine addiction a few years ago. I already wasted 3 years of my life and I will not waste any more. I don't ever want to be that person again. I have had it offered right in front of me and turned it down ever single time. I made that decision for me because of how I want my life to be. If he doesn't come to that decision on his own then I'm sorry but there really isn't anything you can do. Sorry OP.

Izzy24 · 17/09/2017 22:17

Poor bloke. Poor you.

Please leave him.
It's most likely the best thing for you, and it might even help him in the end.

FireSquirrel · 17/09/2017 22:17

If you do decide to stay with him and try to work through this, be aware that most adults relapse multiple times throughout their lifetime and that addicts will do and say anything to try to hide their addiction. He will always be an addict even when he isn't actively using. It doesn't go away.

FireSquirrel · 17/09/2017 22:18

Addicts, not adults.

FenceSitter01 · 17/09/2017 22:19

I know I won't be able to trust him after this

There's your answer.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 19/09/2017 17:58

You said you would leave him so that is what you should do.

Addiction is forever and he will probably relapse time and time again. You have an ultimatum which I understand but it was a stupid one if you don't follow through with it. Addicts need help, yes they need to help themselves but support from those they love and that love them is a big thing and helps a lot. Still, you said you would leave him if he did so that's what you should do. If it's his place you walk, if it's your place he walks.

PotteringAlong · 19/09/2017 18:06

The last time we spoke about it I said I couldn't be with him if he did it again.

The thing about an ultimatum is that you have to see it through. Otherwise he will do it again and again.

Sorry op, but you need to end this Flowers

Fibbertigibbet · 19/09/2017 18:13

I could forgive drug use, maybe.
Lying to me and breaking promises? Never.

Get rid, OP.

TDHManchester · 19/09/2017 18:21

Many people just have no concept of what drug addiction is like unless they have had to live with it as a friend/family member/wife/husband/partner.

Bottom line,you just cannot trust a junkie.

You deserve better OP. Make plans and one day in the near future when he is out, just leave, hear the door click behind you and feel the relief.

Alternatively, if its your house, move him out for good.

Better to live on your own than suffer this. There are nice normal guys and there is one of them out there for you..