totally flummoxed about dad's emotional affair

[lascar]

My dad told me today he's in love with my sister's friend (Miss X). Miss X is 45, my dad's 75, she lives 700 miles away in a place he visits once a year. But they talk frequently on social media, which is how come my sister's had suspicions. Today he admitted to me that he loves Miss X, can't stop thinking about her and talking to her online. That nothing's happened physically but that he's been financially supporting her 'because it's so hard for her to make money' in her chosen profession.

He says nothing physical will happen cos Miss X won't allow it. But she lets him give her money and talks to him all the time! Miss X is no longer a friend of my sister's due to Miss X comforting a mutual friend going through a divorce and it turning out that Miss X was in fact having an affair with pal's husband. She's also known to have got involved inappropriately with other older men.

I told my dad he could talk to me without judgement, hence him spilling these dismal beans. Now he's told me it's like a weight's off him. But it's on to me! I feel upset, depressed etc, though I didn't say any of that to him cos I wanted to open up communication and hear him out. My mum would be devastated if she found out. He plans to go to Miss X's country in January and says he's counting the days! Any advice greatly appreciated...

I'm afraid I'd be putting a flea in Miss X's ear about taking advantage of my dad.

And I'd warn my dad that if he didn't stop playing silly buggers I'd be telling my mum.

There's no fool like an old fool...

Your poor dad is being played for a fool. This viper of a woman is going to bleed him dry of every cent your parents have. Get a background check done on her, investigate her, whatever you need to do to try and get your dad to wake up and smell the coffee. This situation might even need police involvement if fraud is involved.

Oh boy. What a weight on you.

Brene Browne writes something wise about ''digital relationships'' and how they seem like intimacy because you each party tells somebody everything, but how it isn't real intimacy, it's a valve, a mirror, it's measured, polished, guarded, controlled and you don't get to see how somebody reacts under stress or pressure or how patient they are or how instinctive their reactions are etc.. she expresses it really well and puts it in to perfect words why what seems like intimacy is more about two people holding up a mirror and both reflecting rather than interacting.

It's worth a google, it is in her book, Daring Greatly, I think.

I think it would help pierce your father's delusion.

How is she taking advantage of him? Presumably he isn't lacking mental capacity?

Should have said: My sis addressed it with Miss X before I'd spoken to my dad today. Said straight out: you chatting to my dad online is inappropriate. Miss X, a new age practitioner, came back with a great deal of 'there is enough love in the universe for us all' nonsense and then promptly passed my sis's message to my dad, who told me this today.

He says poor Miss X is upset because it's my dad who has been doing the running and she is just his innocent victim...

I don't know if she is taking advantage of him. What I do know is that it doesn't feel good to have my dad constantly chatting to her online and counting down the days before he sees her. Like I said, my mum would be devastated and I feel confused.

actually though, this is not two avoidant people doing their best to have some sort of relationship, it's an older man and a woman playing him cos she can.......... so ignore what I said.

I think you need to spell it out to your father... Ask him, when he was 45, was there any chance he would have considered a relationship or a future with a woman of 75? If a look of ''oh that's different'' spreads across his face, tell him it's not different. Women of 45 don't dream of a future or a relationship with a 75 year old. HIs only selling point is that he's 700 miles away.

@FiaclaBui thank you! Will look up...

Is your mum still alive and with your dad ?

@Luncharmstrong yes. Next April they'll have been together 50 years...

I think men get sucked in because they are in denial about how women view men in their 70s. yeh, some women don't mind an age gap, but not a 30 year one, and they don't seek out a man in his 70s.......
I think men buy in to the myth of older man/younger woman and think in their 70s that it is ''reasonable'' or ''likely'' (??) that a woman in her forties could consider him romantically.

I kind of think he's content to feel 'in love' and just chat to her constantly, wine and dine her when he's in her country, and give her money when she needs it. I think he's obsessed with her. I don't know what to do or feel about that! I can't even tell my sister, cos he made me promise, and cos it would really upset her...

Og God - this brings back memories, My XH (in his fifties) did this with a woman who was younger than our adult children. She fleecedhim for laods of money (apparently I 'had no idea how poor it was in her home country' when I told him he was being taken for a mug)
To cut a long story short he went off with her and when his cash ran out after a few months, she dumped him and found another sucker. He lost me (his wife or 32 yrs) and his adult kids who want nothing to do with him. Can I ask where your Dad's female friend comes from ? (don't say if you;d rather not, but some countries are very well known for this kind of thing)

She is a con artist, she is not remotely interested in your Dad, she wants his money and will drop him like a ton of bricks when (if) he visits.

I don't know what the answer is, my H was totally taken in by this woman, completely besotted with her. Ultimately if someone is determined to make a fool of themselves it's very hard to stop them.

I'm sorry to say things that are upsetting, but your Mum will probably find out and she will be devastated, all you can do is be there to support her if it happens. I hope very much he will see sense before then, what a fool he is to risk hurting the woman who has been his partner for 50 yrs, for an old man's ego stroking fantasy.

You're not obliged to keep the secret. If your Mum finds out, she will be so so so much more hurt that you you knew about it before she did. It's a really shitty position to put you in.

@FiaclaBui thanks for your help and support this evening!

I think i would ask your dad to either end it or tell your mum what he is doing and let her decide if she can live with it. Its deceipt, its horrible for your mum and he is acting extremely selfishly. Its not your burden to carry, he needs to feel the weight of the worry of your mum finding out. If he lost her how would his life look? He needs to give his head a wobble and wake up. He is a sugar daddy and nothing more.

Following Tatiannatomasina's post, if your dad carries on, he's going to throw all his money at this woman and leave himself and your mum with nothing. It's better that your mum is prepred and maybe the cold shock of spousal fury will bring him back from infatuation. If not, then your mum would be able to possible spilt finances so that she isn't left destitute from the con artist either.

From your post, you promised not to judge, you didn't promise not to tell

Oh no. Your poor mum.
How is he planning to explain his trip in January to your mum ?

Your mum needs to know to protect her finances. An emotional affair is one thing but he's also financially cheating on her which is worse!

How would you feel if one day you learn your parents are in serious financial trouble because your father has been fleeced by this woman? The rest of your mother's life could be spent in a nightmare. You have to do something.

This absolutely reminds me of a library book I came to read in the 1980's by Henry Miller I believe it was. Strangely I remember the book clearly now. It's called Dear, Dear Brenda: The Love Letters of Henry Miller to Brenda Venus. New York: Morrow, 1986. ISBN 0-688-02816-0 and there's a reference to it here (#56) on English Wikipedia: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Miller It says on Wikipedia about the well-known writer Henry Miller, who died age 86, that "During the last four years of his life, Miller held an ongoing correspondence of over 1,500 letters with Brenda Venus, a young Playboy playmate, actress and dancer. A book about their correspondence was published in 1986."

I recall I was quite taken aback by that novel, shocked even (although Miller is Miller, a well-known and well-versed author, so I also remember it as a good read). Seems something equivalent is happening here with your dad... except for the wiring of money I can't recall that occurring in the novel.

Thanks all. Very good to hear your views and talk this through. I'm going to mull over a bit more but I think you're right, I have to tell him to stop or else... So hard with internet / digital communication always being there ready for her to string him along with little ego boosts.

God what a horrendous position to put you in OP. But, you can't be sworn to secrecy about this. This isn't your secret and it's not your burden.It's his marriage he's putting at risk and he's going to need to face up to that. I'd do what others said and think of your mum. Tell him to give it up or tell her or you will. Who does this to their family? I know you love your dad but he's being a dick. Who asks their children to keep an affair secret? And it is an affair - he's in fatuation love and is giving money to another woman without telling his wife. Since when did romantic relationships run on giving money away? What a deluded fool he is.

Of course she's taking advantage of him - the OP says he's financially supporting her!

What's she giving him in return? A few sexy messages?

If that's not taking advantage, what is?

Do you know how much money he is giving her?