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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have stopped talking to me due to this?

58 replies

InExile · 15/09/2017 21:05

i've had severe anxiety and depression for the last 4 years which has made me mostly housebound, i think in this time for anything unnecessary i've left my house less than 15 times, as well as not really talking to people this isn't to curry favour or to get YANBU's its just to point out that my social skills may have somewhat eroded and thats why i may not realise i've done something so wrong.

well i am in a Whatsapp group with a few friends from before my anxiety and depression started from university. they live near each other and were talking about meeting someone else and going for a drink and talking about the person.

It bugged me because i don't know them and i at least like putting a face to a name if possible. Well i went onto FB onto my friends, friends list and searched for their name, there was one result so i took a screenshot and posted it onto the group and said is this them? well both friends kinda blew up and said it was out of order and an invasion of privacy and that they felt violated, and if it happened again then they'd leave. confused and kinda shocked by the reaction i said i would delete them from FB (it was more from a friend of a friend who became a friend so we aren't the closest anyway), just for their own piece of mind.

I thought that everything was OK they without any prompting said that was it, but they've not sent any messages or replied for two weeks so obviously they are / were still pissed off at me, i still don't think it was that bad so i'm just looking for others opinions.

OP posts:
Jeepy · 15/09/2017 21:50

Oh, and not being up to speed, I've just noticed that we have the option to post this on Facebook, but really, none of us would, would we? This is between us, right? ...

MrLovebucket · 15/09/2017 21:54

Looking them up wasn't the issue, I think most of us would have had a nose. Taking a screenshot, posting it in a group and asking "is this him?" isn't really something I would have done in case it gave the impression I was stalking someone's friend list even technically though I was

YANBU to have looked him up though, I'd have done it too

Original poster
InExile · 15/09/2017 22:07

Yeah it was the sending the screenshot I guess it's not the greatest of things and really I didn't have to know the correct face but seemed a bit useless if I got the wrong person IYSWIM?

Regarding if I'm an outsider of the group it's only small a few people and it was actually my idea about 2 years ago and it goes through periods of activity and when it is I'm generally as active as the rest and it was active and seems unlikely that it would die completely straight after that and not one message after

OP posts:
BeatriceBeaudelaire · 15/09/2017 22:12

No it's fine ... I wouldn't have been bothered if my mates were talking about someone I didn't know but neither would I find it weird for one of them to say 'oh this person?' In the chat .
You did nothing wrong to me

ChilliMary · 15/09/2017 22:42

It's not you, it's them!

MatildaTheCat · 15/09/2017 23:05

I have to say, very gently, that if you haven't actually been in face to face contact for 4-5 years ( or perhaps a very few occasions), then for you to be querying the identity of a new group member, Unknown to you and unlikely to meet, well, it's sounds a bit odd.

The group have been kind and supportive and kept you as an active part of their group despite you not being present in person. So your screenshot could, quite reasonably, be construed as 'difficult '.

Don't strop off and lose these good friends. Instead, why not apologise for any offence caused and work towards actually getting out and seeing them in real life? Never mind AIBU, it's a question of how best to move on and get the best from life.

scottishdiem · 15/09/2017 23:43

I know why you did it but I think posting the picture basically says - I am now stalking you and trawling your friend lists. It crossed the line. It can also be read, wrongly, as you trying to approve their friendships and how/when they meet them. To them, the whatsapp group may be a far looser affair than what it represents to you and you came across as some kind of content moderator as well.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 15/09/2017 23:54

Matilda

I get what you're saying but the person isn't part of the group, it was someone bringing a friend to a night out and discussing the friend, not a regular member, they obviously could become one but it doesn't seem likely, not in a nasty way but it sounds more a one off meeting like when someone brings someone to a night out on a birthday.

I believe we're all supportive of each other I'm aware what a drain hearing about my issues can be so I don't generally mention them, and just recently I've been a ( limited electronically) leg of support when they've gone through a break up of a long term relationship and also family issues.

I really don't intend to "strop off" but I have apologised a lot when it happened and also deleted them from Facebook and stated it wasn't personal as I don't go on it too much, and we interact more through whatsapp, it was so they had that security of knowing that in the future I wouldn't do it again and they could feel secure mentioning other people If they wanted.

As they've chosen not to use the chat to talk, and as it was active before so it seems likely a conscious decision not to use it to chat I can't force them.

Unfortunately my MH has been bad recently due to having to do more and last time I went I had a very bad panic attack on the way back. Obviously I'm not ruling it out but I need to get better to try it. Sorry if this seems overly defensive

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 15/09/2017 23:57

Ok Scottish it really wasn't my intention, i hope they didn't think that but I can see why they might have felt i was.😕

KindleBueno · 16/09/2017 00:18

Did you tell them you were going to delete them off Facebook and why?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2017 00:21

Name change failure op.

Their reaction was bizarre. Can't say you did anything wrong.

Original poster
InExile · 16/09/2017 00:25

I know SadI've already reported to MNHQ

I did tell them Kindle to make certain they knew it wasn't a personal dig and I stated that it doesn't matter too much as we interact much more on what's app anyway

OP posts:
ItsNachoCheese · 16/09/2017 00:31

Youve done nothing wrong. I send screenshots to my sisters all the time as they do me

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 16/09/2017 00:35

YANBU and they're not great friends. Ditch.

RebornSlippy · 16/09/2017 00:39

But why did you essentially online stalk someone who weren't even going to meet? Maybe they thought you were being a bit intrusive or over invested in relationships they are buidling outside your group. It's nearly like you were checking up on them or wanting to know every little detail about something that doesn't actually concern you. I don't know if I've explained that very well...

On face value, however, yes, they over reacted. I feel there's more to this though, whether you have form for being a little intense or whether there are other issues within this friendship group.

VimFuego101 · 16/09/2017 00:40

I would feel this was a bit invasive but hardly a deal breaker - Facebook friends are visible to everyone unless you choose to restrict them. I think they have a bee in their bonnet about something else and used this as an excuse to flounce.

Original poster
InExile · 16/09/2017 01:04

Reborn the conversation was mostly heavily weighted about the person at the time and about a physical trait that they had for example their hair, so admittedly I was more intrigued than normal and wanted to see what they were talking about. It's very clear and also expected that they're friendship has become stronger as mine has weakened over time due to seeing each other more etc, and whilst I can accept that I feel like if they're going to chat about it in the group chat then it's natural to feel a little intrigued and honestly I don't want to police their other friendships but if you have a big conversation about it I think it's natural for others to be curious

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 16/09/2017 06:05

It seems like an odd thing to do to me but I do think your friends over reacted a bit.

Maybe you could contact the one you're closest to and explain again what happened

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 16/09/2017 06:15

OP you mentioned that it bugged you not knowing this person and what they looked like, and you probably felt on the outside and so I wonder if you came across (completely unintentionally) as peeved and it was maybe the tone of your message that prompted their reaction?

PollytheDoily · 16/09/2017 06:25

You did nothing wrong OP.

I wouldn't converse with them any more. It won't help your anxiety.

Do you have any other friends or anyone in RL you see?

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 16/09/2017 06:31

I was just going to say what Happy said. You've told us that you were annoyed at them talking about someone you didn't know and this annoyance may well have come across in the message.

Hence their reaction, which wasn't really about the photo but about your position in the group.

It's quite possible that they talk about this other person subconsciously on purpose, in an effort to provoke a reaction on your part, because they themselves feel annoyed at your distancing yourself from them bcs of your anxiety.

I know that sounds strange but sometimes a friend's depression can feel like a rejection.

tickingthebox · 16/09/2017 07:06

I think OP, if you are used to being quiet and they don't see you much they probably forgot you were part of the conversation, then had a weird reaction as they were being "overheard".

either way not your fault OP.Flowers

I would suspect they have now started another conversation without you.

JonSnowsWife · 16/09/2017 08:20

Sounds like you've got the measure of how touchy bitchy they can be OP. See it as better you learn now than a few years down the line.

Someone on my fb had their profile set to public and started bemoaning people 'stalkiing' them. When someone sensibly pointed out their profile was visible to ALL and they hashtagged the shit out of everything which meant their posts would come in in random searches. They sheepishly changed their profile settings and deleted the post.

I too hope the fog lifts for you soon OP Flowers

Original poster
InExile · 16/09/2017 15:47

Thing is it's generally my only social interaction, I do have sporadic other chats with people but in this two weeks nada. I don't want to " strop off" but I'm debating whether to leave the group as although I've given up hope I'm glancing a lot of time hoping to see a message and disappointed when there's not. Honestly If I did I'd hope that I would get a message " why did you leave?" Kind of thing, but then if it didn't happen whilst it would confirm my thoughts it would make me feel like crap, but if they did i think it would feel a little dramatic.

I don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
InExile · 21/09/2017 19:51

Hmm I left a few days ago and not a word guess PP were right about looking for a reason to flounce. Guess I'm officially friendless Sad

OP posts:
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