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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be irritated?

20 replies

Sictransitgloria2 · 15/09/2017 19:57

Long term lurker, penis beaker, naice ham etc.

I wanted some external opinions as feel I am losing my mind and don't know if I am over reacting. I also don't have anyone I can confide in in real life.

My husband and I have been married for four and a half years, no DCs. He works long hours, I do everything domestically around the house due to his hours but he is also renovating a house that we bought (he convinced me this would be a good idea, 2 years later it has only just started). Certain things are starting to irritate me and I don't know if it is just me.

A major issue is children- i have always wanted children and have made this very clear throughout. Now we are a sensible age with stable jobs, I feel now would be a good time (and I am really broody and have been for some time). This has resulted in me feeling like I am nagging him as he says he is 'not sure' if he wants them or not. Last night when we discussed this, he made me promise that if the child was disabled or something that I would have to give up my job to look after it as he wouldn't have it affect his career in any way (there is no known reason why any child would be disabled anyway!). For context, we are both just above average earners but I earn approx 2/3 his salary. This really upset me as I have a professional career also, but it is considered to be worth less as I get paid less and 'the house would need to be paid for'. I also don't understand why his plan is to build a big family house for the two of us to rattle round in. Part of me wonders if I should leave as I would be able to be self sufficient if the property was sold.

Another issue is what I perceive to be selfishness. I feel like he thinks of himself first and me as an afterthought, whereas I am always thinking of him.

I'm sorry this is so long, but any thoughts or opinions would be helpful. I think the scales may be falling from my eyes.

OP posts:

Anecdoche · 15/09/2017 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silverbell64 · 15/09/2017 20:04

Blimey, what a "king of the castle" you have there. I also say what on earth do you want to have kids with him for?

PurpleDaisies · 15/09/2017 20:05

(there is no known reason why any child would be disabled anyway!).

The vast vast majority of children with disabilities are born to parents where there is no reason to think in advance that their child might be born with extra needs. It's sensible to consider the "what if". It's often very difficult for both parents to work full time if you did have a child with a disability.

Saying that, your husband doesn't sound like he actually wants children. If you're wondering whether you should leave him, definitely don't try and have a baby with him.

SilverySurfer · 15/09/2017 20:10

I wouldn't have children with this man. He is telling you who he is and disabled or otherwise it doesn't sound as if he is prepared for having a child impact on his selfish life at all. You would be doing everything. Not nice.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2017 20:13

Having children with a selfish man is a recipe for disaster and misery. If you are truly unhappy in your marriage, you need to end it and move on.

Original poster

Sictransitgloria2 · 15/09/2017 20:45

Thank you for your responses. I don't think this counts as a dripfeed, but due to my job I would be a handy person to have around if the baby was disabled. I don't think that makes what he said any better though as it wasnt phrased in relation to that, more that it would be my problem.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2017 20:50

I don't think it's selfish to not want children. Lots of people don't want children. As long as he was honest with this from the beginning, he's allowed to not want children because he doesn't want his life to change.

SilverySurfer · 15/09/2017 20:51

Of course it would be your problem, he wouldn't let it impact on his perfect little self obsessed life.

mineofuselessinformation · 15/09/2017 20:54

He sounds very reluctant to have children. Did you know that before you were married?
The whole looking after a disabled child thing is horrendous. (And my DC2 is disabled). What a terrible thing to say.
It sounds like he wants all of the pleasure of your relationship, but none of the inconvenience of forming a family with you.

OuchBollocks · 15/09/2017 20:56

Go over to the Relationships board and have a read of threads posted by women who did have children with men like your husband. Skint, trapped, working their fingers to the bone for a man who treats them like crap. Or the threads from women who were strung along by 'maybe later men until their childbearing years were done. Right now you have options. Consider them carefully.

Apileofballyhoo · 15/09/2017 21:03

YANBU to be irritated. I think you are lucky you don't have DC with this man and you should find somebody who is actually nice to you to have DC with.

Anecdoche · 15/09/2017 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhooooAmI24601 · 15/09/2017 21:07

He doesn't sound very much like a man who will cherish and adore your children. He also doesn't sound very much like a man who is someone you should spend a lifetime with. Why on earth should you be the one to do everything? Why on earth would he even bring up the subject of "you'd have to give up your job"? He either thinks terribly highly of himself or is terrified of being a shockingly terrible parent. Either way, please think about yourself and your own needs before making your next move. Flying solo is far easier than extricating yourself from a shitty marriage once there are children involved.

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2017 21:17

Two things

He is articulating he is not sure he wishes kids. You do. The person who doesn't always wins this argument. I'm sorry, you cannot force him to have a child for your sake. You can force him to make a decision then recomdsider being with him,

CleArly he is also trying to make you think through the implications of a disabled child. He is clear he doesn't want to give up his job to look after a disabled child and he is putting it on the table as part of the decision process. That's totally fair and his right and there is nothing wrong with that when deciding to have a child or not.. However it seems neither do you really want to stay home and look after a disabled child , what do you think would be the solution in this scenario?

Original poster

Sictransitgloria2 · 15/09/2017 21:29

To answer some questions - before we got married he always said he does want children in the future. I figured 10 years later would have been more than enough time. Part of me feels very bitter, like i have been strung along by him in some way.

Also - I would be more than happy to contribute looking after a disabled child (would intend to work part time after any children anyway) but was frankly shocked that he even brought it up like that. I tried to explain that being supportive of me would in turn support me to care for any children and that seemed to go over his head too.

I feel very confused and like I have some real unpicking to do.

OP posts:

insomniac123 · 16/09/2017 06:58

Do you think maybe he's just nervous about having children? And possibly not articulating himself very well. Is he normally supportive of you, your career and choices? If he is what makes you think if you have a child with disabilities he's not going to support you? He's not said he'll leave or you're on your own.
Maybe have a clear and frank talk to him. 'Do you want children?' And get a straight answer.

Nikephorus · 16/09/2017 07:14

Maybe he's been thinking about the possibility of having a disabled child & the thought of being responsible for one full-time (or possibly any child full-time) scares the crap out of him? That doesn't make him a bad person & doesn't mean that he wouldn't be capable of being a great full-time dad if necessary - it just means that it's a huge step and he's not sure. (And how many parents have felt exactly the same before their first child arrives? Lots - all that responsibility can be terrifying)

guinnessguzzler · 16/09/2017 07:53

His attitude doesn't read as though he is assessing the potential outcomes and trying to plan or getting stressed out - it sounds more like he is saying 'if our child required additional support I expect you to deal with that'. None of us can know in advance how we would react to the additional needs a disabled child may have but to up front basically say 'I'm opting out and expect you to pick up the slack' would seem to me to demonstrate someone who is not going to make a great partner in terms of raising kids together. I suspect his being 'unsure' about kids is either a way to make you feel more responsible for any that do come along ('You wanted them') and/or because he doesn't value your feelings enough to be honest with you, with the associated risk of losing you.

If you know for sure that having children is a priority for you, I'm afraid I think the two of you are just incompatible (he is probably incompatible with most people though!).

Original poster

Sictransitgloria2 · 16/09/2017 10:24

Thanks for replies. I think it's more that he is terrified of doing a bad job (he has admitted this). I do think it might be a case of I want them so they are my responsibility.

I guess I need to decide between him or having a family. I am not very old but can't bear the thought of starting over. It also would feel like a small thing to end it for, although it is something very important to me

OP posts:

Lorddenning1 · 16/09/2017 11:07

I think u need to have more of a conversation with him before u start to make plans about leaving etc, he maybe scared about it, what was his childhood like, maybe he has his reasons. I think in general all men are selfish in that they don't think like us women, they tend to think about themselves first (this is my experience of men who I have dated, men friends and so on) when I decided that I wanted children, I was so broody and obsessed, he on the other hand wasn't that bothered, when I got pregnant he would come to all my apps and sometimes feel the baby kicking, very laid back and I did think maybe he wasn't keen on the baby and what that would mean when he was born, I didn't have to worry as he was great with him when he was born and very hands on. I just think u need to speak to him more about it x

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