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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery

22 replies

CleftMum · 15/09/2017 12:48

Aibu Should nursery have told me dd1 is the only girl in a large group of boys 9-4 every friday which includes her bully?

Her key worker told me today she gets to spend the day inside doing things with her while they boys play outside but all I heard was she doesn't play with anyone all day

Dd1 is a very girly girl no idea where that came from and rather anxious which isn't helped by her baby sisters multiple operations and complications.

Some of the boys are rather lively especially as there are so many of them and the boy that Bully's her is very lively encouraging the others with more boisterous behaviour which she doesn't want to join in with

I'm going in later to change her hours but I know nursery are going to disagree with the changes they keep saying the bully is getting better but I know he's not ive seen his behaviour first hand, as well as the bruises and cuts she brings home

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 15/09/2017 12:51

Move her. It sounds awful! In what planet is it ok to keep a child in whilst "the boys" play out!??

2014newme · 15/09/2017 12:54

Move her this is terrible. Why are you not doing so?!?!

Original poster
CleftMum · 15/09/2017 14:10

2014newme I am moving her I'm talking to the nursery manager today she had to stay today as dd2 had medical appointments I couldn't take siblings to but I am anticipating nursery disagreeing with my reasons for moving her

The only reason I even found out about this was having to stay after drop off to discuss a medical matter and as this took a while due to other children arriving I noticed the shear number of boys and questioned it.
It was put across as a good thing dd1 getting girly one on one time but they can't spare a staff member all day just for her it would put the ratios off

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/09/2017 14:12

Her being the only girl shouldn't be a problem. Her being segregated from everyone else is!

PragmaticWench · 15/09/2017 14:14

The issue here is nothing to do with their sex, it's all about the behaviour of the children and the response by the nursery.

It's victim-blaming to keep your daughter apart from the rest of the children! I'd be moving her to another nursery if the staff don't keep her included and deal with her bully's behaviour.

UnicornSparkles1 · 15/09/2017 14:15

I'd be finding a new nursery. It sounds pretty awful.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2017 14:17

It doesn't matter if they disagree with you. It's up to you. You don't even have t give a reason why you're taking her out.

Wolfiefan · 15/09/2017 14:20

Her being the only girl shouldn't be an issue. Her staying in to do "girly" stuff whilst the boys go out and do "boy" stuff is rubbish.
You can't say the child you have labelled as a "bully" can't be in on the same day. You can ask what they are doing to ensure she isn't upset or hurt by his behaviour.

DeleteOrDecay · 15/09/2017 14:20

That's shocking. Not the being the only girl part, but being segregated and excluded from everyone else including the boy that bullies her.

Are the nursery aware of the bullying and what are they doing about it? Why isn't he being segregated from everyone else since he's the one doing the bullying.

Pull her out if you can, this is outrageous.

Original poster
CleftMum · 15/09/2017 14:26

I can't change nursery for too many reasons to list but wish I could

The other days she goes are fine good mix of kids and friends but 10-12 four year old boys several "lively" ones aren't going to want to include a girl not around here anyway

OP posts:
Efferlunt · 15/09/2017 14:31

Not clear what the issue is. If it's just being with all boys then I really can't see what the issue is at this age? If it's bullying it can't be all the boys, surely she doesn't have to play with them all, could Nursery encourage a group of them to do a quieter activity with your DD? If she's being isolated from the others because she's a girl that is really unacceptable. Baffled as to what the difference in needs are at this age to be honest.

Original poster
CleftMum · 15/09/2017 14:31

Wolfefan I haven't said he can't be in on the same day it's just happy coincidence they don't have the same hours and it's not me labeling him I work for the feeder school and all staff are aware of his behaviour and background

OP posts:
DeleteOrDecay · 15/09/2017 14:41

but 10-12 four year old boys several "lively" ones aren't going to want to include a girl not around here anyway

I think you need to give young boys more credit. Honestly these generalisations of 'boys do x and girls do y' are so harmful to all children. I bet given the chance your dd and the rest of the boys in the group would get on fine.

I would be livid that the nursery are allowing this boy to bully your dd and encouraging other boys to do the same. What exactly are they doing to stamp this behaviour out?

Notreallyarsed · 15/09/2017 14:48

Does your DD want to be outside with the other kids or does she want to be inside with her key worker? That's the difference between whether it's ok or not. If she's been isolated and held back against her will, that's not ok. If she's said she doesn't want to play out and they've assigned a member of staff to interact and play with her because she doesn't want to be outside, that sounds ok to me?

I work for the feeder school and all staff are aware of his behaviour and background

If that's not labelling him, I don't know what is! Kids don't stand a fucking chance with attitudes like that when he's only 4 years old.

Whosthemummynow · 15/09/2017 14:49

it's not me labeling him I work for the feeder school and all staff are aware of his behaviour and background

Ah that's OK then. The whole school have labelled a very young child a bully Hmm

BackforGood · 15/09/2017 14:56

There's no reason why the Nursery should tell you about which other dc are in the room.

YABVVU to call a small, pre-school child a bully. Clearly you do not understand the meaning of the word, or enough about child development to realise that isn't the case.

Her key worker told me today she gets to spend the day inside doing things with her while they boys play outside

This ^ however is shocking Shock and what you really should be talking to the Nursery about.

MrsOverTheRoad · 15/09/2017 15:20

NotReallyArsed the child is young enough for nursery, she doesn't know that she needs fresh air!

Original poster
CleftMum · 15/09/2017 15:39

Call it behavioural issues instead of bully if you want its still the same thing he is targeting other children on purpose as soon as adults backs are turned that's why school and nursery are working with him to help stop the behaviour and teach him better ways to behave but it's taking a long time

Yes dd1 does want to play with the others this child won't let her when staff members intervene as soon as they turn their backs he's on her and the others follow

The nursery held her back to try and stop it but she needs to be with her year group for school next year nursery won't discipline children dont tell them No or Don't do that there are no punishments like naughty step if they do something just that's not very nice while the other child sat crying and bleeding

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 15/09/2017 15:59

There would have to be some pretty serious reason to make me leave my 4 year old in a nursery with a child who inflicts cuts and bruises on her and nursery staff do nothing. It is bullying - not sure it is just the 4 year old who is bullying though.
Report them to ofsted?

Wolfiefan · 15/09/2017 16:22

They need to put in place something to safeguard the other children. That may mean this child has to have 121 supervision.
You don't "punish" very young children but they need to prevent bad behaviour and issue consequences if it does occur.
Please don't label this kid on the basis of his background or call him a bully.
"Round here" boys don't play with girls. What planet is that?! Time to challenge this behaviour.

Notreallyarsed · 15/09/2017 16:32

@MrsOverTheRoad you misunderstood my point. You can't drag a child kicking and screaming out for fresh air if they really don't want to! Nursery age or not. Now OP has clarified that she's being stopped from going outside, I do think the nursery are out of line. If OPs DD wants to be outside and they're stopping her, then that's unfair.

Whosthemummynow · 15/09/2017 16:35

Call it behavioural issues instead of bully if you want its still the same thing

It's really not.
You work in a school????
I hope to fuck its not mine

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