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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help to deal with this sensitively please?

25 replies

Runningwater · 15/09/2017 08:10

Name changed. Been here donkeys years though.

Dc has a close friend at school who they have known some time who we will call Isla. Dc also has SN including processing and memory issues. This is relevant.

Isla has returned to school mid last week after the holidays as George. This is not a total surprise as George had mentioned before the holidays to dc about being possibly transgender. Dc is not phased by this at all and their friend is just their friend.

The problem lies in George getting a bit shitty with dc for accidently calling him by his old female name. I fully fully get this but he is really shouting at dc who is not doing intentionally but more that dc has SN and has been calling this person a name for the past year and forgets as it's only been a few days. I have explained to dc why George is getting so upset. The more he shouts at dc however the more stressed about it dc gets. Dc has gone to school crying today. Dc really struggles socially and for the first time really has friends properly and I am very conscious of dc spending lunch alone again.

Dc is really trying their hardest to remember.

I don't really want to mention it at school and I fully get why George is getting upset but he forgets himself and I'm very aware of how delicate the balance of dc socially coping is.

This is not a trans bash thread I just need advice how best to help.

OP posts:

monkeywithacowface · 15/09/2017 08:13

I would approach the school and ask them to have a gentle discussion with George about why your DC might be finding it hard to always remember to use his new name. A gentle reminder to George that caring and understanding about your friend's circumstances and issues goes both ways.

ShakeShakeTheMuffin · 15/09/2017 08:14

No advice sorry but really feel for your DC. Wondering how old the children are?

Original poster

Runningwater · 15/09/2017 08:16

They are secondary age sorry.

OP posts:

Spam88 · 15/09/2017 08:38

I think someone needs to have a word with George. I have an uncle who's transitioning and I'm forever calling her by her old name - it's not intentional and I don't mean to cause any offence, it's just habit and slips out if I'm not thinking about what I'm saying.

troodiedoo · 15/09/2017 08:43

Gently say to George that he has had a lot of time to get used to being George, and allowing friends a similar period of adjustment would be kind.

Lovingmybear2 · 15/09/2017 08:44

I think gorge sounds a narcissistic twunt. Mind you no idea how old he is.

Don't the other friends slip up too. I know I would.

Tell school to have a word with George he too has to act with kindness and respect to other children. It's not all about him

Original poster

Runningwater · 15/09/2017 08:53

Thank you Spam. Good to hear from someone else with experience.

Thanks all.

I think other friends are probably doing it occasionally but dc was one of George closest friends so spent more time with him and obviously their sn means they are probably doing it more.

I'm aware dc spent time in the school 'safe room' on their own at lunch last week because that was better than being shouted at in front of everyone again and after the hell my dc has been through with bullies and socially in the past I'm gutted.

OP posts:

kissmethere · 15/09/2017 09:37

George is being way too heavy on your DC. He needs to be spoken to about the way he's speaking to your child. Is there someone who can have a few words about it. Very unfair to react so harshly when everyone is trying to get used to "George".

Lovingmybear2 · 15/09/2017 09:41

Sensitivity needs to be shown to all the children here and not just George.

And school should tell George this in no uncertain terms

wheresthel1ght · 15/09/2017 09:54

How well do you know George's parents? I would perhaps have a conversation with them rather than involving the school or going direct to the child.

I have a friend who has transitioned, did it years ago and even now some 5-6 years later I still refer to her as him and by his old name. I had known them since childhood so a bloody long time.

You sound lovely and understanding of the sensitivity but clearly your dc is in need of time to adjust also

starlightinheaven · 15/09/2017 10:20

lovingmybear Don't believe children can be narcissistic twunts but I do agree respect needs to be shown both sides of this trans thing.

Lovingmybear2 · 15/09/2017 10:38

We don't know how old the kids involved are but most teenagers are narcissistic twunts who mature

Thingsthatgo · 15/09/2017 10:42

If they are secondary school age, then you or the teachers can explain that your dc has some memory issues and it might take them longer to click with the new name. I imagine that George is feeling very sensitive and probably anxious and stressed and it's all coming out on your poor dc.

PovertyPain · 15/09/2017 10:44

George needs to wind their neck in. I wouldn't approach the parents, as you don't know how they'll react. George needs to be told that their reaction to your child needs to stop. They are demanding to have their feelings taken into consideration as they are trans, while not taking the fact that your child has SN into consideration. Respect works both ways.

Lovingmybear2 · 15/09/2017 10:46

Totally poverty respect works both ways and it's only fair to George that he realises this for the tough road that is life.

existentialmoment · 15/09/2017 10:50

Someone needs to tell George that you don't get to bully SN children just because you're now wearing pants instead of a skirt.

DeleteOrDecay · 15/09/2017 11:18

George needs to get over himself and someone needs to tell him that this is a big change for everyone involved, not just him and that he needs to afford others the same patience that they afford him.

zzzzz · 15/09/2017 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Runningwater · 15/09/2017 11:34

Thank you
I don't know Georges parents at all and have met George only a couple of times if I have bumped into them while out.

I will have a word with school. I was just very cautious about them thinking this was about George transitioning. It really isn't. I think he is probably struggling himself but my child's needs are my priority.

OP posts:

wheredoesallthetimego · 15/09/2017 11:38

A friend of mine has started using her middle name in adulthood - I've known her all my life - lets say she was Sarah and is now Maria.

I still end up calling her "Sa...oops I mean Maria" and she made the change about 5 years ago, but I've known her 30 years before that and it's very difficult!

dinosaursandtea · 15/09/2017 11:38

It must be such a hard time for George, and of course he wants support from his friend. I don't think it would be bad for his parents to sit him down and remind him that your DC has also had a tough time and needs George to be a bit more gentle with him, and that your DC isn't doing it maliciously. Either way, it's great that both your DC and George have people in their lives who love and support them as they are.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 15/09/2017 11:39

My ds has asd and I dread the day he encounters this - he will really struggle with the notion that one day you are about the next a girl, being very black and white and logical in the way he thinks. This just wouldn't make sense to him.

Allthebestnamesareused · 15/09/2017 11:44

Perhaps someone (teacher possibly) coukd explain it's not a trans thing and that DS would find it hard to remember to call Isla for example Susan or Mary had it just been a name change rather than a trans issue.

In fact last week I gave my name as first name maidenname rather than first name surname after being married for 16 years

Original poster

Runningwater · 15/09/2017 11:46

Wheredoes

I was explaining that to dc. I decided to use my middle name while in primary. The teacher changed my peg and drawers and everything and I spent the next six months ignoring my new name when the teacher called out the register.

OP posts:

Original poster

Runningwater · 15/09/2017 11:47

Ignoring because i would forget they were talking to me that should say!

OP posts:

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