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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This is odd...and a bad idea

19 replies

Oreoalpha453 · 15/09/2017 07:33

Quick history:
I'm in a fwb situation with my ex. Have been for 18months now after a 9year relationship and it works for us. I'm happy not being in a relationship anymore and really am not looking for one right now but I do have this niggling feeling that I am going to miss my chance to have a family and am pretty broody right now. I don't want to meet someone new just with the sole intention of having kids and have looked into adoption and sperm donation just to inform myslef really incase I don't meet anyone. I was chatting to fwb about this (we are still great friends and talk a lot) and he said he would be my sperm donor.
I thought that was a very odd suggestion seeing as he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore 18 months ago, and when i asked how he would think that would work and what would he expect in terms of being an active or non active parent all I got was "i don't know "

I'm at a loss to why he would suggest it and all I can think is that would be an absolutely terrible idea.
It is a terrible idea... isn't it?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 15/09/2017 07:35

It is a terrible idea, but to be honest FWB rarely works long term. Someone usually ends up getting hurt.

You said he didn't want to be in a relationship 18months ago-did you?

Original poster

Oreoalpha453 · 15/09/2017 07:51

Yes I did, I had no idea how he felt at the time. He was quite down at the time and was going out a lot and telling me he is just stressed with work. Honestly he broke my heart but we talked a lot and supported each other and have remained good friends. I can admit i do care for him but I no longer feel love for him

OP posts:

AlmostAJillSandwich · 15/09/2017 08:01

It's not a great idea no. Are sperm donors liable to pay child support if the agreement at conception is sperm donor only with no parental or financial responsibility and later on you change your mind?
Can a sperm donor turn around and fight for custody once the baby is born if the same agreement, no parental or financial responsibility, was the agreement at conception?

Will it just make you unhappy that you couldn't stay together relationship wise but then had a child, will he or she be a constant reminder to you that you could have potentially been a family unit but instead you're a single parent.

AfunaMbatata · 15/09/2017 08:05

So he doesn't want to have a relationship with you but is happy to fuck you (on his terms I bet) and father a child with you.

That's so so wrong. You'll never meet anyone if you're still trying to cling onto him.

BertieBotts · 15/09/2017 08:06

How old are you?

There's no legal status for an informal "sperm donation" operation like this (which is because it's not sperm donation, essentially you're TTC but just not in a relationship).

If you are genuinely open to the idea of going it alone then look into the costs of anonymous sperm donation, as that would be much more clear cut and you'd have control.

If this is a case of "If I can't have the whole family/relationship with him at least I can have this", step awaaaaaaaaay from the headfuck.

I think he either wants to get back together (which I'd be very cautious about) or he has some notion of being the noble saviour but doesn't actually intend to pick up any of the pieces.

BertieBotts · 15/09/2017 08:08

I'm also wondering if you are around 30 and got together with him when you were both very young and that's why you're hanging around each other and not actually moving on, because you don't really know how to be adults without being together.

But since you have fertility worries perhaps you are older, I don't know.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/09/2017 08:24

If it was just you wanting this and he hadn't offered to be your sperm donor, I would think it's definitely a matter of you trying to hang on to him by any means necessary.
Mind you, a lot of men will say they are happy to donate sperm, when sperm is all that's on offer because, basically, they get proof that their dicks work and a good excuse for never having to change a nappy or do any cleaning/cooking/shopping for the baby's mother.

But this FWB set up sounds dodgy anyway. I don't know that this man is definitely a selfish arsehole, but the position you appear to be in is that you are doing all the supportive, understanding, 'giving him space' stuff and opening your legs as well: you are only thinking about what's best for him rather than what's best for you. It might be that he's not ready to walk away from the relationship either, or it might be that you are his comfort blanket and, once he gets a sniff of some other woman who appeals to him, he will be off.

Ropsleybunny · 15/09/2017 08:30

To be honest I think you should completely move on from your ex. I don't think your friendship/relationship is healthy for you.

As for having a child with him, it's a big fat no from me.

WomblingThree · 15/09/2017 08:37

Seriously, "opens her legs"?? That is a disgusting way to talk to someone.

No, she has sex with someone she wants to have sex with. Women are allowed to you know 🙄

scaryclown · 15/09/2017 08:38

I am amazed that posters think he is being selfish when the op is clearly having regular sex with someone she is saying she can't be in love with long term, but is happy taking with about having kids, which despite the logic often used men also want. It sounds a bit cruel, as I imagine he was thinking God is this me she's talking about, must seem reasonable.

An fwb is a relationship already, just a more casual less intense one, but tbh what you are talking about here sounds cigarette paper close to the maturing of an actual relationship, one that actually works for two people who get on but are quite independent. Be careful!

Lovingmybear2 · 15/09/2017 08:38

You bOth sound very flaky. Don't even think of bringing a child into this until you both mature a bit.

kateandme · 15/09/2017 08:39

are you unknowingly being unavailable for anything else because you still have him though.you got together for a long time so everything you needed from a relationship he gave you.you got used to that.then still got it even when apart so never saw in yourself what next to moving onwards.so you never new to put yourself out there dates etc.?possibly I don't know.
so if he wasn't there as yu still do actually talk like you would in a relationship how would you feel.would you then want to go out with someone
and how is what you have.sex,talking etc not relationship?

TatianaLarina · 15/09/2017 08:43

I'm happy not being in a relationship any more

But you still are in a relationship just a really screwed up one. FWB can work for some people but fucking your ex who doesn't like you enough to be in a relationship with you and you can't move on, is not healthy.

I don't want to meet someone new just with the sole intention of having kids

Couldn't you just want to meet someone with the intention of being in a happy loving relationship? And if kids is part of that, great.

Original poster

Oreoalpha453 · 15/09/2017 08:51

I just want to make it clear I don't want to be in a relationship with him, I do however want to remain friends with or without benefits as does he. We are very close and maybe the friendship will naturally fizzle out as they do. It's a very mutual agreement and not me trying to cling on to him, at the moment it isn't complicated and we are both really happy. We are both 32, I'm not worried about fertility yet and considered a sperm donor as an option for the future. I don't want a child right this second but I do want one in my future and I am happy to do it alone and aren't after financial support from anyone. I agree that I think him being my donor would be a bad idea and just wanted confirmation that dismissing the idea is ok.
Thank you for the comments and views

OP posts:

EternalOptimistToo · 15/09/2017 09:04

Having a child with your ex (because he is your ex before being a fwb) is NOT a good idea, esp if you want to keep the friendship intact.
There will be a hell of a lot of complications coming with it, BECAUSE you are ex partners first and foremost. From the expectation that he would step for the child for example or be involved in some ways. (Which was your first reaction).
Can you imagine still seeing him, allegedly staying friends, knowing that he is the father of your child but also seeing him NOT getting involved at all and treating him like a stranger he has no relation with??

Re fwb with your ex, I think this is actually stopping you from moving on and find a new relationship. It's interesting to see that you dint feel ready for a new relationship but you are still have a relationhsip with your ex. You might not be in love but you are 'great friend', talk a lot (emotional intimacy) and have sex (physical intimacy). In those circumstances, it's not surprising that you don't want another relationship.
For your sake (and his!), I think you need to move on. Stop being fwb and setlle down on your own so you can rebuild your life. At the mo, you are somehow left in limbo.

TatianaLarina · 15/09/2017 10:27

You say you don't want to be in relationship with him but you are in relationship with him of a kind. He's performing the functions of a bf - sex and friendship - without the status of one.

Why would you be thinking in terms of sperm donors at your age?

If you moved on to a new more healthy relationship you wouldn't need your ex as a friend so much.

While you don't need to worry about fertility yet, you would need to find someone and be in an established relationship for a while, maybe try living together, before contemplating kids. So if you wanted to have kids around 35 say, you'd need to start looking now.

existentialmoment · 15/09/2017 10:43

I just want to make it clear I don't want to be in a relationship with him

I want to make it clear that you ARE in a relationship with him. You are kidding yourself if you think you aren't.

PollyFlint · 15/09/2017 11:05

maybe the friendship will naturally fizzle out as they do

Ha. Not if you have a child with him, it won't.

You'll be tied forever and won't really ever be able to move on completely.

PollyFlint · 15/09/2017 11:06

And yes, as others have said, you absolutely ARE in a relationship with him. It might not be the type of relationship you actually want, or the same relationship you had for the first nine years, but it's still a relationship.

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