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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you be hurt by this?

22 replies

OnlyGodKnowsWhy · 15/09/2017 00:45

Firstly I have PMDD and am a day or two away from my period so I'm prepared to accept unreasonableness on that basis alone!

Yesterday was my birthday. Two of my DC, aged 12 and 11, wished me happy birthday in the morning before school but neither had made a card. It's probably childish but regardless, I do feel hurt.

Perhaps times are different now. I remember when I was a child, I went through great pains to make my dad a card for his birthday.

My younger dc aged 8 made me breakfast in bed and a card, which was so lovely of him. Youngest dc aged 7 is autistic and he gave me a cuddle which was also lovely.

Anyways, AIBU to feel upset that my oldest two didn't feel the need to make a card?

OP posts:

HoneyBeeMum1 · 15/09/2017 11:07

Greetings cards are becoming increasingly unfashionable due to the availability of social media.

I understand your disappointment, because we grew up in a different age. You probably need to view disappointment in that context.

and for your birthday. X

existentialmoment · 15/09/2017 11:08

I wouldn't. My children are not card makers, so I wouldn't expect it. They bake me a cake though.

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 15/09/2017 11:33

I always get my mum a card but 12 is maybe a bit old for making one - they might think it's childish but couldn't go buy a card if no one takes them ...

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 15/09/2017 11:40

I'd expect them both to have got you a present at that age, whatever they did about cards?

dippydeedoo · 15/09/2017 11:43

I too think cards are a bit outdated .... I also understand your disappointment,I just don't think today's children as they get older think the same way we did ourselves as children.

Pancakeflipper · 15/09/2017 11:48

I'd feel upset too (even if it's unreasonable to feel upset).
A card or a bunch of flowers or being handed the remote control and told to watch what you want on TV or to wash up or whatever.
It is the thought that counts isn't it?

But it's age of not really thinking about others feelings, their lives are much more fun and interesting. They'll twig one day.

Pinky333777 · 15/09/2017 11:49

Did you make them a card on their birthdays?
😀 I wouldn't read too much into it. Most children need prompting to get it together to make a card for someone.
Next year, a few days before hint you really like getting birthday cards 😆

ToesInWater · 15/09/2017 11:52

The only way kids that age would make cards is if they were promoted to do so.

ToesInWater · 15/09/2017 11:52

Doh, prompted!

ShatnersBassoon · 15/09/2017 11:59

I'd have a stronger reaction if they did choose to make a card than if they didn't. Mine have never really done that sort of thing, and I've never encouraged them to think adults' birthdays are a big deal so I only have myself to blame.

The only times I've had a homemade card from the kids for anything has been when DH has forgotten to buy a card or present, so he's cracked the craft kit open for them to cobble something together.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/09/2017 12:11

At 11 and 12 they may think that making cards is 'babyish', particularly if neither of them has much interest or skill when it comes to arts and crafts. As to getting you a gift or buying a card (as PP mentioned) - do these DC have access to cash? Access to a shop without you having to take them there?

I don't know if you have a DP/DH in the picture but when DC are that young it rather falls on the non-birthday parent to give the DC a hand with cards/presents for the other parent. What usually happens for birthdays in your household?

ArcheryAnnie · 15/09/2017 12:12

OnlyGod I totally understand this. My DS is incredibly loving to me, but I did not get a card on a significant birthday a couple of years ago, and it did really hurt.

Yes, it's just convention! Yes, it doesn't reflect how much they love you! So yes, hurt may be irrational! But it still hurt.

quercuscircus · 15/09/2017 12:14

I'd be miffed. I would ask them later whether they enjoy receiving a card and seeing them put up around the house.

If so, then remind them they should treat others as they would like to be treated and the harm of taking people for granted.

Have some from me instead OP

Viserion · 15/09/2017 12:16

Neither of mine (12 and 7) have ever made me a card. I didn't know I was meant to be bothered by this. In fact, I don't think either of them even notice or acknowledge my birthday. It's just another step towards old age, not towards growing up like it is for children.

RedSkyAtNight · 15/09/2017 12:19

My DC wouldn't make me a card at that age either (they did when younger).

DS gave me a "voucher" for as many cups of tea as I wanted :)

KH369 · 15/09/2017 12:22

Honestly, I would feel hurt if it were my son - however, I also have two step sons (14 &10) who need reminding every year when their dads birthday is, nevermind cards or presents. Every year I have to either buy cards for them to give their dad or force them shopping with me. Their dad (my husband) hates that I do that and says 'if they can't be bothered then it doesn't matter' this is so painfully obvious a lie and it does bother him, especially when we know for fact they both hand make cards and presents for their mother. But, as much as it may seem unreasonable - if you are used to getting those hand made cards every year, i would expected you'd be deflated not to get them again this year. Maybe ask a partner or grandparent to encourage them to do something nice for you after school/weekend cook tea or something, I mean that sounds besides the point but if I don't say what I want to do on my birthday we end up doing nothing and I still have to pick up after everyone else!

Mimsy123 · 15/09/2017 12:24

A card or a bunch of flowers or being handed the remote control and told to watch what you want on TV or to wash up or whatever.

I wouldn't be happy being told to wash up on my birthday.

Original poster

OnlyGodKnowsWhy · 15/09/2017 12:47

They do have access to cash, both get 20 pound pocket money a month.

I suspected it was probably another unreasonable of me, I don't care about presents but I do love cards.

On their birthdays, I buy them cards not make them, but I do make them a montage each year with pictures and song.

I suppose I am extra sensitive as there is a back story with their father that makes me a tad resentful but I don't want to drip feed.

OP posts:

Donttouchthethings · 15/09/2017 12:48

I get a card and present from my cat on Mother's Day and she even got me a birthday present this year! So, no, I definitely don't think you're unreasonable!

All that matters is that it matters to you.

Maybe you could get them doing more for other people's birthdays; train them up so they know how it is when it's your day?

dollydaydream114 · 15/09/2017 13:47

Is their dad around? If so, he should have organised cards - either bought ones or homemade ones. At 11/12 they might feel a bit old to make cards but are also a bit young to sort out buying them.

Original poster

OnlyGodKnowsWhy · 15/09/2017 16:13

Their dad and I split some years ago. I have a DH but that's a long story too!

Basically, their father has a conviction for assault on my son. Contact has been established again against my will but the dc want it and ss agree too.

They made a massive effort for Father's Day. One of my dc made him two cards and a verse off google. I suppose I'm a little jealous and a little hurt. Silly I know. I'm wondering when his birthday comes around next month if it will be the same thing again.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 15/09/2017 17:07

I can see why it upsets you, in that case. YANBU but neither are your boys. It's understandable that they miss their father and make more fuss of him even though he is a shit - kids have this capacity to love parents event when a parent doesn't deserve their love, and there's also the fact that the parent who is there every day can seem to the DC to be less thrilling than the one they don't see.

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