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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not move her stuff?

20 replies

lemonzest123 · 14/09/2017 23:20

I lost my amazing mum nearly a year ago aged 60. Although her death was very long her physical capacity dropped off extremely quickly - one week she was walking around fine, the next she was paralyzed from the neck down. Consequently everything is where she last put it: her bag in the corner, shoes in the cupboard, slippers next to the bed, makeup on the dresser. Me and my Dad once made the half-hearted suggestion that we should "think about what to do with it" but I know neither of us can bear to move so much as an earring.

Is it unhealthy to still have her stuff where it was left? Or is it normal? I want to move on but it feels like the only bit of her left. I feel no connection to her grave. All the clothes smell of her still. Sad

OP posts:
Nuttynoo · 14/09/2017 23:22

Leave things be for a while. No rush. Flowers

Oldraver · 14/09/2017 23:25

In your own time. It's not unhealthy at all. You need to deal with this stuff when you are ready. IMO some people rush relatives into dealing with stuff they are not ready to as I think thye feel uncomfortable seeing a loved ones belongings still around.

My DH has been dead 17 odd years and there are still a few issues I haven't sorted.

Braveanddifferent · 14/09/2017 23:25

Of course it's okay. You're not ready yet. You will be. Just give yourself time.
Think about what your mum would have wanted as well. Did she have a favourite charity that you could donate some of her belongings to? Do you need to store some of belongings differently? Are there any of her things that you might like to share with family and friends?
But take your time. We all process death in different ways.
And I'm very sorry for your loss.

mineofuselessinformation · 14/09/2017 23:31

It's just under a year since my DDad died.
My mum is still slowly sorting through the things that were his.
Some things are easier to let go, others, not so much.
Your DDad will work through it in his own time. Offer to be there if you can to help, but either way he will do it when he's ready.
It's not an easy time when you lose a parent and are trying to support the parent who's left. Flowers

AllToadsLeadToHome · 15/09/2017 00:33

I am sorry for your loss.
Leave it until you are ready. My Dad died in his sleep, unexpectedly. All his things were where he left them.
When I went back to visit it was all still in the same place, his book and glasses on the side, his jacket on the coatstand in the hall, his shed untouched, and it remained that way until 18 months later when my Mother died and I had to deal with her stuff as well as his.
I left it all for a year because I wasn't ready.

overduemamma · 15/09/2017 00:38

No rush to move anything. Do it when you are both ready. X

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 15/09/2017 08:02

Oh god alltoads you poor poor thing Sad

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 15/09/2017 08:07

My mum died June 2010, there are still some items of her jewellery around the house left where she took them off. Only 2 or 3, all her clothing was vaccum bagged, and my dd re decorated their room so anything gin there was packed away. But i think some of her shoes are still in the shoe cupboard, nobody else uses it so i honestly haven't looked, same with the cupboard in the kitchen where she kept her make up bag, i don't know how much she had left or if it is still there. It's a nice reminder sometimes to be in the bathroom and see it on the side, almost as if she isn't completely gone.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 15/09/2017 08:16

I was pretty adamant about her stuff not being thrown away, so i can't imagine my dad has thrown any stuff away. I know he gave one of her eternity rings to my aunt (she had two, he gave her one for their first wedding anniversary that she dropped in the bathroom it ended up under the floor behind the toilet, wasn't recovered till 20 years later so he had replaced it with an identical one) which i got upset about, since me and my sister could (imo should) have been offered them. My dd insists he asked us first if we wanted them but he deffinitely didn't. But then he also insists we didn't want to be involved in planning her funeral which he never asked either as we assumed we would be involved, day after her death he went out to register her death, didn't come home til that night and turned out he went to my grans and had planned the whole thing with her and my mums siblings, completely cutting me and Dsis out. He was devastated by her death though, so i think he genuinely believes he asked us about both the funeral and the rings but he really didn't. Sadly we don't actually know what has happened to the other one, we can't find it anywhere he thought he had put it, and he deffinitely didn't give it to my mums other sister as he has always hated her. I hope to find it one day, as it was a really beautiful ring and something i personally want to keep (my dad has her wedding and engagement rings, i couldn't take one of those off him even though he's offered) So i have her one other ring that until a week ago sat on the kitchen windowsil where it had gotten very tarnished and filthy, where she had left it. i Decided to clean it, and since my fingers are much bigger so it is now on a chain round my neck.
I do have a ring of hers

wheresthel1ght · 15/09/2017 08:37

Wait til you are ready. My mil died 4 years ago next month and all her jewellery is still where she left it as fil can't bring himself to deal with it.

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 15/09/2017 08:49

I was wondering about vaccum packing actually.... When my gran died I vaccum banged one of her scarfs to try and keep its distinctive smell. DMs dressing gown in particular has her smell on it so clearly.

OP posts:
Mulberry72 · 15/09/2017 09:00

There is no rush at all, my DF cleared out all my DM's stuff within 3 months of her passing away, my SIL still has all BIL's things exactly where things were 3 years ago to the day he went into hospital (and never came home).

There is no right or wrong way or timeframe in which to do things, you & your DF will know when the time is right.

Flowers Sorry for your loss.

GinIsIn · 15/09/2017 09:07

There is no right or wrong way to do it. I can tell you from when we lost my dad that both us kids and my mum found it easier to cope once the constant reminders were cleared away, but it can't be until you are ready.

tamepanda · 15/09/2017 21:51

My DF died 3.5 years ago, I didn't go upstairs to his bedroom until a year after he'd died. I couldn't bare it - I couldn't face being in his room and invading his space once he was gone.
But since then I've had to gut the whole house to empty it so it could be rented out but I've kept lots of things that were special to me or that I might want keep for the future. I have kept his kilt and all the accessories so if I ever get married I can have him walk down by having my dress made with them. I also have a blank cheque signed by him and his photo driving licence (he lost his paper one so I helped my dad apply and get his photo licence, which he then lost and only found again after he'd died) so there's always a hit of him with me wherever I go, I have a plastic bag from the hospital with about £2.50 that they put aside when they were tidying up his things - so I'll always have a bit of money from my dad. I also have the note pad that he wrote in before I took him into hospital ... he made a list of things he wanted me know before he died, who to contact about his will and life insurance policies, on the page after that he wrote in capital letters "OH FUCK!!" I kept it because it was just so like my dad! Smile Some of the stuff makes me cry, some of the stuff makes me feel close to him and so of it makes me laugh.
My mum turned up two weeks after my dad's funeral with a carpet cleaner so I could 'get rid of the smell' and bin bags to get rid of his stuff because I should waste anymore time and get rid of it all now.
Do things when you are ready, if you are ever ready. Who gives a fuck - it's no one else's business but yours!

mineofuselessinformation · 15/09/2017 22:25

I'm just popping in to say:
Whether or not you have a loved one's possessions, they are always there in your heart.
I think that's important to remember. Flowers

Nanny0gg · 15/09/2017 22:52

Do you know any 'crafty' people or are you any good yourself?

A lovely idea I have seen is making a blanket/cushion covers out of suitable jumpers and other clothes.

Makes a lovely memory you can snuggle into.

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 20/09/2017 09:04

I absolutely love that jumper idea. And my friend is a dress maker!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/09/2017 12:38

There you go!

And they look great too!

PersianCatLady · 20/09/2017 12:41

Please don't do anything until you and your DF both feel that the time is right.

Genericusername9 · 20/09/2017 12:43

No rush if you don't feel ready.

Perhaps the "danger" is that you feel it will just be put off indefinitely?

Maybe set a date a few months in the future to think it about it again, and not worry about making a decision either way until then?

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