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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to leave?

19 replies

Wolftigersnailxxx · 14/09/2017 22:15

I can't believe I'm thinking this but I am.

I've been married seven years to DH.'DS is 5. First few years were great, but the last two have not been. I'm not unhappy as such, but I don't have a good connection with DH anymore. We don't have sex- sorry if that's too much information. We have barely anything in common. We don't do things together. We get on well and don't fight, but that's it. I love him but I'm not in love with him.

But I used to be. Definitely

If I left, DS would be distraught. We have just purchased our house. We'd both be financially buggered. I love our new home though.
I haven't suggested marriage counselling or 'trying.' I just feel so bogged down. I've also had a hard few years with family problems and he is self employed so works very long hours.

Do people leave their husbands for this, or does it have to be more serious?

I can't imagine leaving, it would cause so much hurt, he'd be so hurt, but I also struggle to imagine spending the rest of my life with DP. I feel absolutely awful. There is no one else.

And like I said, I do still love DH.

I don't know if this is just a rut.

AIBU to feel like this? Do I need to get it together and just cope with it? We have issues and he has flaws, which won't change. But aside from that, we are relatively happy. I just don't feel the same anymore.

Thank you.

Also I am looking for honesty. I need to hear some common sense.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 14/09/2017 22:18

Seems like your options are either marriage counselling which you don't seem keen on or splitting up

All I know is that drifting along hoping it will magically get better will just make you miserable.

Either try and fix it or leave.

WinditupSlowitdown · 14/09/2017 22:19

You say the first few years were good. Can you pinpoint why things started to go bad?

Have you spoken to dh about your feelings? He may feel the same?

I wouldn't rush to say leave but life is too short to be married to someone you don't love anymore.

lurkingnotlurking · 14/09/2017 22:21

I almost left my husband 14 years ago. I was really depressed, stressed, .. there were a variety of reasons. I was on the verge of leaving as I just thought there was nothing left. He found out and we somehow agreed to work on it all. The love came back. It can happen. You loved your partner once and you can love him again. It starts with honesty so that you can work on it all together.

StrawberryDaiquiriPlease · 14/09/2017 22:22

You're in a good relationship, surely you can talk to your partner about making an effort to reconnect? Mini break away/country walks/change of scenery?

Original poster

Wolftigersnailxxx · 14/09/2017 22:25

He still loves me. He's asked me if I'm okay and has been more attentive. I need to talk to him but need to do so when the time is right.

I wanted to work out if this is just a feeling that will pass before I rock the boat.

Yes we were happy once.

And lurking I'm glad things worked out okay for you. It's nice to hear that.

I'd like to fix things. I'd be open to counselling but knowing my husband he'd get very hurt and close up. Refuse to talk.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 14/09/2017 22:26

Your relationship is still alive and you've hit a rut. All relationships go through really crap times. You've stopped having sex, that's likely because of the crap times.

Intimacy and love need to be nurtured, people forget that. Definitely think about marriage counselling, date nights etc

Maelstrop · 14/09/2017 22:31

7 year itch? I hit a really low patch with my relationship at that stage, no real reason, just in a rut. I rode it out and things picked up and I'm really glad I didn't go, it would have been a huge mistake. That's not to say that it would be for you but be sure it's what you want before you make a decision.

lurkingnotlurking · 14/09/2017 22:33

Thanks wolf. I hope you can work things out for yourself too. You've got a child together - you believed in yourselves enough to do that together. If your partner is unwilling to try counselling then that can be okay too - I was too stubborn too. We just started talking and I guess you could say dating again and slowly slowly, piece by piece, the love came back. Good luck.

Outnotdown · 14/09/2017 22:39

I've been married 8 years and I found a similar situation after the births of my children. Life became hard work, as it does with little ones, and instead of coming together, we drifted apart.

At the worst times I have thought of leaving, but, like you, it would have financially ruined us; more importantly, it would have destroyed the kids. And I did love him, always, just lost that connection.

Talk to him. Tell him you want to improve things, for you both. Ask him what he would like to be different. I found that trying to do small things for him resulted in him doing more for me, we began to appreciate each other more, and the affection returned.
Don't take drastic action till you've had an honest talk. Good luck

Ttbb · 14/09/2017 22:40

In your position I would not leave. You have a child, it wouldn't be fair to leave just because you are not happy. I think that this is something that you need to try to work on. If you cannot fix it then you need to be honest with your DH and maybe discuss the option of looking for love/companionship else where but continuing to run a household and parent together. Alternatively you could accept the way things are and look for other ways to make your life happy, you don't need a man to do that.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2017 22:46

You've in a rut which is very common. I find it alarming that you would be willing to break up your family because of this alone. Obviously, if abuse were involved, it would be a completely different story. Surely you don't believe that marriage is always sunshine and roses? It takes hard work, and even harder work on occasion.

Original poster

Wolftigersnailxxx · 14/09/2017 22:52

I'm not willing to leave, I doubt I actually would. It's a feeling... it'd be another to actually do it. :( Which is why I need to get over this and sort it out.

Thank you for everyone's advice. I appreciate it.

I know that I could be 'happier' with someone else but with the trauma I'd cause to DS, my husband, our friendship, the financial issues... would I actually be happier?

And like someone said I don't have a 'good' reason to leave. It's all minor in comparison to some people's relationship issues.

OP posts:

opheliacat · 14/09/2017 22:55

I know I will get shouted down for this, but where there isn't abuse and where the alternative is two financially strapped parents and a distressed child, it would take a lot for me to leave.

MumsOnCrack · 14/09/2017 23:00

I agree with @opheliacat - especially if he's a good Dad - I'm not sure I could.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/09/2017 23:00

You could go to counselling on your own. That would give you a chance to sort your thoughts. If yoyr dh is working long hours and neglecting you and ds or is too tired for sex then he needs to hear how he is in danger of losing you..and presumably ds too for most of the time.

MumsOnCrack · 14/09/2017 23:01

But...it's probably worth speaking to him about how you're feeling. I would certainly make it known that you're not 100% happy. At least then he stands a chance to make your relationship better.

user1497997754 · 14/09/2017 23:11

How do you know you could be happier with someone else....you haven't tried....marriage is hard work sometimes you get out what you both put in....seriously it sounds as though you both have got into a rut...all marriages go through this.....you both need to spend sometime together to reignite the intimacy.....you still love him....he still loves you...so you have the basis to work things out....I have been in your situation so do understand....but I am so glad me and hubby are still together and loved each other enough to put in the work that was needed to give our marriage the kick up the ass it needed as we had taken each other for granted and stopped appreciating each other....

chitofftheshovel · 14/09/2017 23:12

The grass is not always (is it ever?) greener on the other side. Honestly, it's a shit cliche but true.

Original poster

Wolftigersnailxxx · 14/09/2017 23:18

Again, thank you everyone.

I know I owe it to my son to give our marriage a chance. And DH.

OP posts:

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