To want my DS (19) to grow up?

[thesonalsorises]

Have namechanged.

Son has struggled with anxiety and depression for 5 yrs, I organised him a good counsellor then after 3 yrs he walked out of the counsellor cos he had the audacity to challenge DS

DS gets to uni hurrah. Within 2 months he hates the social side. He stops eating cos he hates buying food. DH and I nudge and nurture DS to end of year he gets 2:1 in exams yay. He gets accepted into a uni exchange abroad

All summer DS does fuck all and plenty of it. Basically online in his room 24/7 other than 1 week family hol. I line up loads of developmental/fun/money making events and offer to fund. Nah. Seems he CBArsed. But he's depressed, anxious all summer.

Sept he goes abroad. Yay. DH drives 1000 miles to bring him home as he hates it.

DS now saying he wants to defer returning to uni til next year, and to spend this year working. Ok, that's a plan.

He has now spent 5 days online in his room "anxious and depressed" not looking for work, not liaising with his uni, snapping at me when I say eg don't spend all day in your room love. DH is soft/nurturing/fucking sucker depending on my mood! But basically molly coddles son. "Ooh he's depressed.., mustn't pressure him he might tip over the edge..." stuff

I know about depression. I've been on ADs for 20 years, tried therapy etc. I know bleak hopelessness. I want to support DS.

I feel bad for even thinking it, so do not know whether I ABU for wanting DS to grow up? He does nothing round the house, is polite, doesn't do drink or drugs or sex, is a "good lad" but lazy as hell.

AIBU?

Of course yanbu. I can completely understand your frustration. It's horrible seeing your child going through depression.

Is he still getting counselling/meds? You need to get this going if not.

Will he sit with you and go through job ads? Even if he only does a few hours a week it would give his self esteem a boost. If he's socially anxious how about leaflet dropping? Or could he start up ebay selling? Anything to get some motivation going.

All this is easier said than done - I know.

Yanbu to want him to grow up.But if he has struggled with anxiety and depression since he was 14, it may be a long road.
If he is anxious and depressed then his reluctance to do anything may well be down to that rather than laziness,it can be paralysing ( as I'm sure you know),after all he managed to work hard enough to get a 2:1 and credit to him for that.
But I know how frustrating it is,you want your children to grow up,mature,and become happy independent people - we are here with Dc1,who is now in her 20s,and I find it so hard to get the balance of encouragement/ support/ pushing right.

Although you've had depression, you don't actually sound as if you know much about it beyond your own narrow personal experience of it. Not everyone's experience of depression is the same. The whole tone of your post suggests you just think he needs to pull himself together and that you don't believe he is depressed at all. The way you're talking about him is really dismissive and unpleasant and nagging him to do activities he doesn't want to do and trying to get him to come out of his room isn't going to help. He's a grown man and you're trying to organise 'developmental fun' for his summer holiday as if you're putting a five-year-old into kids' club; I'm not surprised he's snapping at you. All this talk of molly coddling and laziness and putting 'anxious and depressed' in quote marks is incredibly dismissive.
Everything you've said about his university experiences suggests he has a pretty major depressive illness. He stopped eating because he was scared to buy food. That isn't someone who is lazy or childish. It's someone who is really fucking ill.

He isn't immature; this isn't about growing up. He needs proper help for his mental health problems which are are very obvious.