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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how is this fair on me?

13 replies

BhajiAllTheWay · 14/09/2017 20:05

Split with ex a few years ago now but every so often he will contact me to see if I've changed my mind about us being together. . He's now realised what he's lost so to speak. I always say no...theres good reason why he's an ex (as he drank quite a bit, borrowed money from me) . I say I'm not interested. But he's quite melodramatic and immature despite him being a lot older than me as there's a lot going on and he thinks I could sort his life out if we were together. He has some mental health issues. He turned up at the flat one day when Present bf was there. BF stayed out of the way. I sent him packing.He says if he gets in touch again he's walking away! So basically I'm going to live on tenterhooks ever after aren't I? He could turn up tomorrow or ten years on and that will be it? I lose my BF over it. I've never done anything to make him not trust me. Even if I was single I still wouldn't go back to the ex. Is there an answer to this? I just feel like it's a time bomb.

OP posts:
2014newme · 14/09/2017 20:07

How many times has he turned up and when was the last time?

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 14/09/2017 20:11

Your BF will walk away? Confused

Gorgosparta · 14/09/2017 20:11

I wouldnt be happy if my partners ex kept turning up and causing problems.

He is harrassing you. You can something about that.

DollyLlama · 14/09/2017 20:13

I understand you bf being unhappy but if you are firm with your ex then how can he blame you?

I know he's pushy and needs to let go, but I really don't think your ex's behaviour would warrant a restraining order so this would leave you in quite a difficult position which surely your bf can understand?

John4703 · 14/09/2017 20:14

If he is pestering you can you get a court order that prevents him contacting you or coming to your home? (I know that is possible in Scotland, where I live, but I'm unsure about the rest of the UK)

Escapepeas · 14/09/2017 20:22

Are you quite sure you're being completely blunt and unequivocal with your ex? Or are you being polite and nice and he is taking this as encouragement? It's difficult to tell someone you were once in a relationship with to fuck right off and never contact you again, and if he's the melodramatic type then he might be living in false hope.

Frankly, if DH's ex kept turning up wanting to renew their relationship, I'd be pretty pissed off and demand that he did something about it.

Topseyt · 14/09/2017 20:26

It could be harassment. Be blunt with him. Not polite.

Go to the police or CAB to discuss what you can do to stop him.

Original poster
BhajiAllTheWay · 14/09/2017 20:35

I am firm but I feel a bit sorry for him.That does not mean I have any inclination to be with him. The last time was a few months ago. But I get the odd email which I just delete . we were talking about stuff the other day and that's when he BF said it about the leaving me. so in fact the ex has appeared 3 times in 3 years. That's why I was shocked really..its not like it's every week

OP posts:
bunningsbunny · 14/09/2017 21:07

If your bf stayed out of the way, does he know that you have moved on, have another bf and there is absolutely no chance of you ever getting back together?

How does he usually contact you - can you work out a simple message to text/email/Facebook msg/etc that says you do not want to see him or hear from him or be contacted by him on any way, shape or form again. If he does, you will consider it harassment and go to the police to put it on record and get them to ensure he stops harassing you.

I would get your bf to help you word it, so he is involved and can see that you never want to see the creep again. Also ask your bf for other ideas he has to stop the ex from turning up again - might make him stop and think quite how frightening it is for you and how there's not a lot you can do, it's out of your control.

Make sure you keep all the messages you send him (one on each means he has of contacting you) as evidence and then should he contact you again, call the police. 101 if it's a message, 999 if he turns up in person and you're scared. And if you have any mutual friends you trust, tell them too so they don't inadvertently encourage him or let slip any info about you now.

Good luck - sounds a horrible position to find yourself in.

category12 · 14/09/2017 21:11

Your bf sounds v unreasonable. Are you sure you wouldn't be better off without both of them?

peachgreen · 14/09/2017 21:43

Good grief. So your ex is low-level harassing you and rather than being supportive, your boyfriend is blaming you and threatening to leave you over it?

Sounds like you'd be better off far away from them both tbh.

EezerGoode · 14/09/2017 21:46

Better without either

Original poster
BhajiAllTheWay · 14/09/2017 21:50

yeah I think it's out of order for him to basically give me an ultimatum. I'd like to think id be a bit more tolerant if it was his ex. Yes Bunnings he does know about BF and is obviously jealous. BF stayed in kitchen cos he was scared. ( of what I dunno as ex isn't threatening just a bit shouty and sad ). I'm hoping he'll just get it out of his system eventually. But BF has really disappointed me..i thought we were stronger than that

OP posts:
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