Awkward personality - wwyd?

[EllaElla]

More of a wwyd .....

We have a women's group which meets up once a month for an informal evening catch up. It's a diverse group- there are women coming along from different walks of life and in different ages and stages and many have different interests.

Generally it's been quite fun over the last few years. However over the past few months a particular woman has started attending who has proved troublesome, as she has a very unsociable habit of derailing and dominating any conversation with tangential stories, telling long, dull stories about herself, people or places she knows from outside of our area.

For example a group will be doing getting to know you type conversations such as sharing how/where we met our DHs, and she somehow segues that onto a very detailed story about her aunt's knitting skills. We have NO idea how she goes there when we had been talking about something else entirely. It's very awkward.

I get that she's lonely, and she looks forward to this time with the other women. We are sympathetic and patient and inclusive. Everyone is very polite to her, so she just keeps going, and doesn't take a hint when she pauses for breath and we recommence the original conversation or start a new one, which has been the strategy to date.

But it's gotten to the point where now people are not attending as it's just become such an unpleasant experience if you get caught in her tractor beam - and people have better ways to spend their evenings! Plus no one feels comfortable inviting their friends along (which is the point!) as they can't guarantee it will be a fun evening that their friend would like to attend.

I sat opposite her the other night and the whole time she was talking at us, I tried to think of new ways to let her know that her contributions were unhelpful and uninteresting without coming across as being unkind to her. I genuinely couldn't. And I know others feel the same as it gets discussed afterwards (not unkindly).

We can't ask her not to come, obviously, as that's contrary to the purpose of the group and she's definitely someone who would benefit from friends and feeling included!

How would you handle her - how would you help her - what would you say? Wwyd? Help me understand her perspective, why would she act this way? We are at a loss and don't want to quit running the group!

Thanks

I think you have to stop asking her or not invite her as there's not really a way to ask her to change her whole personality style

Just because you have a group for women to join it doesn't mean you have to include anyone who comes along.

What sort of set-up do your meet ups have? As in, do people go in and mingle in groups or are you all in a big circle etc

I have a relative like this, she has ASD. It means she can't 'do' small talk. It's not malicious - but it's not much fun as a social experience either!

A timer?

How does the group work? Is it very much a casual drop in, or is there some more formal structure?

I think someone needs to take some leadership on this and start informally 'chairing' the group. One way might be to organise slightly more formalised discussions that have a time limit on each participant's contribution.

Another is to encourage people to use body language more assertively. Moving away from a person, or holding up a hand to stop them interrupting, can be remarkably effective.

Making a gentle joke of interminable stories can also work, e.g. "Is this knitting story relevant to meeting your DH, Anita?"

After a certain point, however, you have to realise that super insensitivity to the desires and feelings of others is a kind of passive-aggression in its own right. I actually think being blunt is sometimes necessary when confronted with someone who simply doesn't acknowledge others.

Just say "OK x but we are talking about Y now. Maybe let us talk about that for a bit now."

Get a talking stick use a timer so that she can't go on and on?

I was going to post that she sounds like my friend who has ASD. Lovely lady, but man can she talk -for hours-

Are you able to have several conversations running concurrently? Have chatty lady talking to one person for a short time and then swap partners? Ask her to help making drinks etc?

You could introduce a facilitator who's job it is to keep the conversation on track. Give very precise instructions - such as 'name one thing you did this week just for yourself, you have 2 minutes'. Use a timer. Get other people to go first, to give examples of how to speak in the meeting.
Good luck!

You could all vote to appoint a chairperson. Then that person could bang a gravel down and say can we get back on topic please. I see that's been suggested already. You can't ban her as that would be mean.

Does she have ASD? She sounds exactly like a lady I know who has ASD who can only talk about what she wants to talk about our what she has experienced. She just cannot relate to the experiences of others - it's something she's just not capable of doing. It's hard work being around her but we try to understand her struggles. One tactic we use is to listen for a certain amount of time, acknowledge what she has said and then say firmly that we are talking about xyz. We repeat this through any gatherings we have with her. It seems to work for her s she gets to say what she wants and feels part of the group. We like her and want her to be around us but at V the same time, it can be quite tricky.

Argh, there's a woman like this at my antenatal yoga group and it's so infuriating!

I was going to suggest a talking stick but it's a bit cringey really, like being at school.

She sounds lacking in social awareness and possibly unable to read body language or social cues. I think you'll have to make it very clear to her that she is dominating all the conversations with her own personal anecdotes. Hints won't work.

I can't imagine how this could be handled without upsetting her though. She probably has a completely different perception of how the group are receiving her and regards you as her friends.

Some rules for the group might help? Like circulating after x mins, or keeping to the topic, no one person talks for more than x mins etc?

Any way of finding out whether this woman has asd or similiar? As you'd deal with this very differently from a person just being very rude.

It is awkward though, either way.

This sounds like a very good friend of mine. Just talks incessantly and only about herself and her kids. After years of friendship she's still clueless about who I am. For a few years I avoided her because I was exhausted and she had told me to have an abortion because 'think of your career' then the conversation immediately went back into her so I was done. I honestly don't think there's much you can do except wait for the day someone similar turns up and watch in amazement how they fight each other for verbal domination!! (I did this and it was hilarious).

Wow went to a meeting and come back to this- thanks all!

It's a church group and therefore an open invite to all women to attend. And bring their friends along. Hence why we can't really specifically ask her not to come!

It's held at a pub in a private-ish area at a long table and run by the pastors wife and a couple of others (like me) have a steering influence on leading it.

We had previously done dinners (£10/£15 for 2/3 course type things) and a couple of people complained that it insensitive and wasn't inclusive as people on a budget wouldn't be able to cover that. So while this worked well and was well attended, we took on board that minority feedback and changed it to this pub about a year ago, where people can either eat or just have a drink or cup of tea after eating at home. So you have a mix of people eating and people not eating which is kind of wierd too!

We have his week talked about splitting the tables up into 4 rather than a big table, and having a leader for each table with a general topic to focus on, and for whomever is on her table to more carefully conduct. That's not great for the person who gets 'stuck' with her though, or the table, if she's uncooperative!

Re ASD, it's possible and might go some way to explain the inability to relate. I think she's very lonely. She does have a family but they are grown up and her DH has worked abroad for many years.

Some good suggestions !!

concise, i think we must know the same lady!lol. I often wonder why so many people are so unaware that they do this ? I call them ' dripping tap' people as they just cant seem to pause for breath and their eyes tend to 'glaze over' if you mention anything else other than what they want to talk about ( themselves, mostly) I have had to distance myself from someone who is like this. If i mention anything she starts about her old colleague at work, whose friend's cousin did such or such or was like that and then promptly turn it all back to her and her family and friends and make sure that whatever i said is airbrushed out. every time.
i| have no words of advice to the OP really as its so hard to keep these types of people quiet ( even being polite about it,) its a tough one..

Some fabulous ideas to mull over. I'm also in favour of introducing more structure, someone to keep people on topic and give everyone a two-minute slot, then they have to be quiet and listen to everyone else.

Perhaps also for fun try one sentence per person going around the room. Can be on a given topic, or just to create a silly story. The more everyone has to participate in taking turns, the less she will be able to dominate.

There are sooo many people in the world like this.."conversational narcissists". self centered, unaware, lonely, and wants someone to talk AT vs talk to ( and that conversation always revolves around themselves, a topic they're always interested in). They seem unable to put themselves in others shoes and ask themselves "does an hour long conversation about my college experience or dishwasher REALLY interesting to them? And did I ask any questions about them, or let them have a chance?" They are either talking or impatiently waiting for you to finish so they can resume. This is obnoxious trait is definitely not exclusive to those on the spectrum.

You're going to have to be more firm and blunt. They don't get (or they ignore) subtle social cues. So someone needs to almost referee when she starts in. Maybe switch the group she's in each week so nobody gets stuck with her constantly. Set a timer for sharing, when her time is up be firm.

I kind of like the talking stick! actually might get the shy ones to open up a bit more!

Dust bunny and others - agreed on needing to be more firm! Everyone is so polite but will just vote with their feet! And yes "conversational narcissist" is exactly how to describe it. And it's always the same old stories. It's so tedious.

Make a Facebook group and create a pinned post setting out the rules of the club. Make a post saying 'for the benefit of newcomers, welcome to our inclusive group of ladies, please refer to our pinned post' or something like that? The rules can just be simple for e.g. in the interests of being fair, everybody should have equal chance to speak, stay on topic, ect.
Maybe she doesn't relate to some of the conversations though.