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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friendship and my 40th dilemma

14 replies

MarissaE · 14/09/2017 10:06

Hi all,

This is my first posting here. Seems like a great supportive place :)
I would just really like some advice on what to do in this situation...

My 40th birthday is coming up next month...my husband and children have already been on a holiday of a lifetime earlier in the year which was our joint 40th present to ourselves. Now my actual birthday is coming up a couple of friends are nagging (verging on bullying) me into doing something I really don't want to do.

I am an introvert by nature. I don't have a 'group' or 'circle' or 'network' of friends. That's just not who I am. I have many individual friends who I see on a one to one basis for a coffee or a day out at the spa or shopping etc. That's just how I am more comfortable.

So I have these two mum friends who I have known for several years and who I spend time with during school holidays with our children. We have become a threesome and the two of them have clearly been talking behind my back as I have had from both of them on separate occasions alot of pressure and 'you've got to do something, it's your 40th'. I have already said to both of them I am going away with my family the weekend of my birthday and I don't want to go out as it's not my thing and I don't want to be the centre of attention. They won't take no for an answer. On top of this one of them has actually not been a very good friend to me lately and has been quite bitchy towards me for apparently not spending enough time with her during the holidays. She is a bit of a narcissist if I am honest and it's all about her and very much take, take, take. With little gratitude for the amount of things I do and have done for her. Because of this, I don't want to and don't feel comfortable going out with the two of them. I know I won't enjoy it, I know that that friend already makes me feel uncomfortable. They have decided that we should go to (a local venue). I reluctantly agreed but it is stressing me out so much. I am no supposed to decide if I want to invite anyone else?! This is exactly the situation I didn't want to be in and why I didn't arrange anything myself! I don't want to exclude other friends of mine by not inviting them but quite frankly I don't mix friends. I would spend the night worrying if they would get along and feeling uncomfortable incase my narcissist friend embarasses me!

I've decided to tell the other friend tomorrow that it's stressing me out and I don't want to do it because I don't want to exclude other friends. My dilemma is do I tell her about how I feel about the other friend who is also a friend of hers? Do I tell her how uncomfortable I feel around her and that she has actually been a bit of a b*tch towards me lately?

I don't want to make her feel in the middle or awkward but I think it may be the only way to ensure that the two of them don't go ahead and organise something behind my back. What do I do? Any help or advice much appreciated! I feel like saying it's MY birthday and I will do what the hell I like!!!

Thank you for reading such a long post!

OP posts:

DarceyBusselsNose · 14/09/2017 10:22

I feel like saying it's MY birthday and I will do what the hell I like!!!

I like ^^ this phrase! use it!

Say you have family things arranged. Keep repeating 'no'.

LotusBomb · 14/09/2017 10:39

doing something I really don't want to do.

I read your whole post but I really didn't need to read past this. Nobody is obligated to do ANYTHING that they don't want to do least of all on their birthday.

Celebrate it where you like, how you like, with who you like. If they cannot accept that, I'd be re-evaluating my friendships tbh.

Happy 40th, how you enjoy it, whatever you decide to do :)

kissmethere · 14/09/2017 11:38

You're taking their wants into consideration and they're not doing the same with you. This "friend" needs to be told you don't want to do this thing they've planned and that's the end of it. You'll only end up hating it and stressing about it and not enjoying it and wishing you hadn't let them have their way. If they get upset it's tough shit really they shouldn't be pressuring you into doing it.

MrsHathaway · 14/09/2017 11:44

If you say it's because you don't want to exclude other friends, she'll ask for a list and invite them.

Say you don't want to do it. "It's my birthday and I'll sit at home in my pyjamas catching up on Netflix if I want to."

If BitchFriend wants a big get-together, she's welcome to organise one, but she is not entitled to do so under the banner of your birthday.

I wouldn't get into the other issues, because it would muddy the waters. What matters is that you don't want to go to for your birthday so you aren't going. Full stop.

devilmaycarry · 14/09/2017 11:47

Less it more when it comes to assertiveness. Don't go for a complicated excuse when the truth is simple.

Just say you don't want to do it. That's all that's needed.

DingDongDenny · 14/09/2017 12:05

I'm getting this a bit as well with my partners big birthday - he doesn't want a fuss, but everyone is at me to do something for him - make him have a party etc

Why would I do that when I know he would hate it.

I think sometimes people want a party and it's about them. I also think they reason that if they had one on their big birthday, you kind of owe them an invitation

Nikephorus · 14/09/2017 12:45

Just say sorry but you've just found out that your OH has something planned for you (but he won't say what = no need for further explanations!) and so you won't be able to make it after all. And then refuse to book another date instead because that will be enough celebrating for you, thanks very much.

Gottagetmoving · 14/09/2017 12:53

You don't have to give reasons and explanations when you want to say 'No'
Just saying you want to do what YOU want is enough.
If people don't accept that - they are not friends.

Original poster

MarissaE · 14/09/2017 13:23

Thank you all so much for the responses. This is very helpful and makes me feel much more confident about saying no. And really, surely by 40 years of age I should have the guts to say what I do and don't want to do anymore. I should know myself well enough by now. Thanks again everyone!

OP posts:

Hissy · 14/09/2017 13:31

In my experience it's only really once you are 40 that you do have the guts to say what you want

good for you OP

wishthisbugwouldfuckoff · 14/09/2017 14:34

Shut the fuck up may also be appropriate here OP

guilty100 · 14/09/2017 14:42

I don't get this. They're not asking you to do anything on the day itself, they want to go out with you on an evening some time around your birthday. They've said you can invite others if you want, but you don't have to. That seems totally normal.

It sounds to me like the real problem is that you don't like one of the women and don't want to spend time with her, birthday or not. That's fine, and totally your prerogative.

Movablefeast · 14/09/2017 14:47

You really need to admit to yourself that one of these women is not even a friend. Stop hanging out with people you don't like and don't like you. Call it your new 40 year old resolve.

Original poster

MarissaE · 14/09/2017 17:54

You know what, that is absolutely right. It's not necessarily the going out, it is the company. It is the 'friend' that makes me very uneasy and spoils my enjoyment. A few choice friends who I can trust to get along with each other even though they've never met might make me want to go, (might). But this friend has a habit of rubbing people up the wrong way. My sister-in-law met her once and really did not like her. Meaning I could not invite sister in law to said outing... all way too complicated. Question is, do I tell my really good friend that I don't want to go because of OUR other friend? Putting her in a difficult position or do I just lie and say I don't want to celebrate? I want that good friend to know that I really do want to spend time with her.

OP posts:

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