I think this is going to be a long one so I apologise in advance. I don't want to drip feed so please bear with me.
I'm also aware this story could very well out me but I suppose I'm looking for reassurance or guidance as to whether I've done the right thing.
2.5y ago I got away from a marriage that was emotionally damaging to both me and my son. I also have 2 DDs but their dad worships them so to date they seem to be ok. DS works hard to maintain contact with his dad (same dad) so although it's sometimes rocky and I want to go Mamma Bear, he calls the shots on his relationship with his dad.
Since leaving exH, I met someone who was the complete opposite in temperament and character... playful, up for a laugh, attentive in bed, and once he met the kids, doted on them.
He was supportive when things got tricky with exH and would try and spoil me rotten.
I struggled with this attention, but he kept steady and supportive. Giving me space when I needed it and showing his loving side where possible.
We I had a couple of wobbles where our relationship felt wrong, and we split up twice but we were always drawn back to each other.
The last time this happened was around October last year. We'd been getting steadily stronger but we weren't yet living together. He lived with his parents but would spend part of the week with me, and every other weekend. The other weekends he'd have his boys.
I wasn't sure about living with him, mostly due to financial reasons as he was paying off debts and also paid maintenance for his 2 boys. When I crunched the numbers, although he has a great job, we would struggle to make ends meet. We were comfortable as we were, he lived with his parents, and we seemed happy.
There were a couple of bones of contention on his side - he disliked my friendship with a single man. When I first met DP I would socialise regularly with my only male friend (let's call him MF) but I cut it down as you do when you're in a new relationship. I refused to stop spending time with him completely though, as I've known MF for over 10 years. But once a month or less, when DP was at his parents, MF and I socialised either by playing cards, watching a movie or going to the pub. DP made it clear he disapproved. When I first met DP we both were open about previous relationships and such. I told him I once had a crush on MF but that it'd never happen. MF is so very not suited to me! (It goes deeper than just that but I think that's enough for here and now). He also disliked me messaging MF so I stopped doing that to keep the peace.
More recently he got jealous of how much time I spend on my phone. FB, mumsnet, random crap really. At the time I didn't think much about it but now I realise I'd developed a bad habit, probably out of boredom.
DP was getting gradually grumpier and grumpier. He was less happy, grumbled about the state of the house and food that was cooked, started drinking Red Bull (he broke an addiction to this before I met him, and swore he'd never drink it again), and was generally a moody sod. No spark, very little laughter, all our little things we did fizzled out, like tickle fights, text stories to each other, and even physical contact was gradually being withdrawn. His mood was starting to affect me. I picked up on it and we discussed why.
Earlier this year his ex stopped contact with his boys following 2 minor household accidents 2 weekends running. And I mean, minor. I can't say what happened here but we sought legal guidance and support. It was slow moving but he kept up hope that he'd get access to his boys back.
Fast forward to beginning of August and DP and I went away on holiday together, just me and him. I loved it but DP was overly quiet and in the end i called him oit on it. We ended up having a bit of an argument, he blamed not seeing his boys, and i offered even more support to fight for them. Helping him write chasinv emails, and also dealing with phonecalls from the CSA....! Yep! The bloody CSA phoned him whilst we were on holiday and upped his ex's award! We sorted it out, and i tried to cheer him up as best I could.
The next day he ended up poorly. I took him to get medication, organised what he should be taking when, and ended up applying cool wet towels to him when he had a bad fever at 5am, in 40° ish heat. We got him sorted, and he appeared to be enjoying himself albeit in a quieter mood and poorer appetite than the last time we went away together.
When we got back, bearing in mind that I'd spent almost 2 weeks solid with DP, and hadn't seen my friend for over 6 weeks due to holidays and such, I agreed to meet MF on a particular evening.
DP declared that morning that he was coming back to mine and we were going out. I said no, as I had made other plans. DP was adamant he'd laid claim on that evening first but I couldn't remember him specifically saying so or messaging me. Granted it was an evening he'd normally come over but as everything had been so higgledy piggledy for the previous 2 days, I thought we had left it that he'd be back the evening after which was his birthday.
I cancelled meeting MF, then DP decided to sulk and not come over. I then didn't see him until the evening of his birthday.
I tried to make it special, bought extra presents from my kids for him, as well as giving his main present from me.
He seemed molified and we had a pleasant evening.
Also when we got back, I'd had a Section 21 notice shoved though my door.... eviction. It got overturned due to discrepancies with the deposit but that was sorted and re-issued. I started looking for somewhere else to live.
I love where I live but cannot afford it. DP pointed out that I should move back to the local main town, or even better closer to him as it was cheaper. I baulked at close to him as commute for work/upheaval for the kids wasn't worth the hastle. DS started y10 this year so I was keen to keep disruption to a minimum. I started looking around at houses but he got grumpy as I wasn't including him in the searches and viewings. I wasn't taking into consideration his needs and wishes.
Um hello? I have 3 children to care for, not 4. Yes a garage for your gym would be nice but it's not always possible.
I had strict criteria on location budget and size, but had to cave on something.
He got very sulky and pushy to move in with us. I held my ground, showed the reason why (predominantly financial but also something didn't feel right) and he grumped even more. Eventually he accepted that finances were the main reason and wheedled his way along to the next viewing I'd booked at the end of the following week. (Didn't get that house btw)
The week went by and by the end of it we were fighting again. Again I rallied him round, pushed for what was wrong, but he kept saying his boys, my MF and my phone addiction.
By the middle of the following week I removed from my bed in my own house as he was very much not his usual gentle attentive self.
We spent our usual days apart and on Thursday evening we seemed to be communicating more like we used to. DS also messaged him and asked him not to leave us as he was picking up on the tension between us. DP reassured him he wasn't going anywhere, that he'd been stupid as he wasn't talking to me and was bottling up. He said he appreciated me and would be speaking to me to build us back up (words to that effect anyway).
On the Friday DP came back as per usual and seemed a bit happier.
At 6ish pm I got a message on FB from someone I'd never met, asking if I was in a relationship with him.
She told me they'd been messaging each other for weeks, including when on holiday.
DP saw the message. Packed his bags.
Whilst he was doing that I put my DDs to bed and quizzed the OW more. She was mortified and apologetic. We hoped it wasn't the same man.
It was. I saw the messages. A picture was sent to her which he also sent to me on Thursday.
Yep. On Thursday. When DS was asking him not to go, and I was trying to cheer him up and engage with him over text, he was busy planning to meet the OW and get deep down and kinky.
It was clear he wanted more than he would get from me - we'd talked about boundaries when we first got together and I'd made it clear what I would and wouldn't do. He appeared to accept it. We also talked about what would make or break a relationship. He said he'd tolerate pretty much anything except an affair. Rich, huh?
Now I know he did actually want more.
I kicked him out - he resisted saying we could work through it and come back stronger.
I was very very upset by now, in pain and wanting space. He eventually left when I said this. I insisted he took all his crap with him.
He messaged me the next day and said that yes he'd made a mistake - in his eyes it was ok as he hadn't actually met her and done anything. And that it was my fault because of my friendship and my phone addiction.
I flipped and told him to eff off.
He got pushy about maintaining contact. I said to stick it where the sun didn't shine.
He said he loved me and no-one else. Promptly followed up by further declarations of my fault.
He wrote a beautiful letter, again addressing my faults, but then quoting Bible verses at me (I'm a practicing Christian) and reminding me of our good times, our first date, what I loved about him, and other sentimental stuff that had successfully helped us keep going in the past.
I almost caved, wanting to gain acknowledgments from him of my recognition of my faults and failings and how I came up with ways to compromise (only meeting MF in the pub, blanket ban on phones in the house so we focus on more beneficial and interactive activities)
But even after this, he continued to bring them up in subsequent messages, and seemed to duck out on his own indiscretions. The drinking, poor attitude, and of course, shopping for an OW.
Even then I was wavering.
I had a chat with someone neutral, and had it pointed out to me to remember the whole boundary setting when we first got together. How he'd been quietly pushing them as the relationship developed. She warned me to be careful about this. It sealed the deal for me.
I told him it was over. That he wanted more from a relationship than I could ever give him. I said I didn't doubt that he loved me. Or at least the package deal I came with - house, family, food on the table, body in the bed.
But I also picked up on his continued reference to my so called faults. I said to tread carefully as he was borderline emotionally abusive if that continued.
I'd broken away from a marriage where both mine and DS's faults were dragged up over and over again.
I wouldn't put either of us through that again.
That did it. He went deathly quiet on me.
That was 3 weeks ago.
Since then we've been in contact to discuss sensible stuff such as closing a joint membership for something. Also we've met once so I could give him back stuff he missed when he left, which was too bulky to post.
When we met, a week ago, it was on neutral ground. He gave me wounded puppy eyes.... I said it was a mess of his own making. He then said it wasn't all his fault.
I didn't respond and drove away. He messaged me again saying we were both to blame for the relationship breaking down. How he wanted me to realise this. Until then we wouldn't be able to talk.
I asked how a virtual affair could ever compare to a bad habit and a platonic friendship.
I closed the conversation down quickly but by Friday I was burning to say something.
I said how I resented that he wanted me to realise what I'd done. How I'd tried to talk to him but he wouldn't listen. (At one point he'd accused me of talking at him rather than to him) I said he was hell bent at laying shit at my feet so be it - lay and be done.
I'd had it. I felt like he'd done nothing to express remorse at his actions. I was fretting that he was continually painting me as the unreasonable one and that he was driven into the virtual arms of someone else.
Eventually after a couple of messages where we both expressed our pain and regret, he said that he'd given up fighting for me. Due to the emotional abuse comment. He said he wanted to die.
Part of me felt torn in two, but part of me wanted to tell him to grow up, wake up and smell the roses.
He then told me not to contact him again.
I haven't.
Have I done the right thing?
I miss him a lot. I recognise I still love him.
I'm having to contemplate a house move by myself in 3 weeks time and I don't know where to start.
I miss his practical-ness. (Ex army)
Part of me knows I should be able to do this. I'm thinking packing/moving party but in the past when I've tried to organise something like this, I don't get much support.
Part of me wants the strength and support back that he brought to the relationship.
Am I being stupid?! Have I been unreasonable to break off our relationship and to keep it broken?
Please share some success stories with me?