AIBU to not send a birthday card?

[Modernfamiliesaretough]

I've stopped talking to my mum. After my parents divorced and we moved away, she moved on with her new family. I tried to maintain a relationship with her for 15 years, often phoning, inviting them for birthdays / Christmas etc, but I only ever got minimal contact and a lot of disappointment and broken promises about attending events / getting in contact.

The final straw was when I got no support or real communication from her during the difficult first few months of my baby's life. I would send pictures, but it would take days for her to read the message, and even longer to send a minimal reply. I decided that it was upsetting enough for me to be let down time and again by her, I didn't want to subject my baby to it as well.

I decided that I couldn't pretend to be happy families any more and didn't send a birthday or Mother's Day card as I always have, but I haven't made a big thing out of going no contact and I haven't talked to the rest of my family about it.

I've heard on the grapevine that she's made a point of telling everyone else in the family that I didn't send those cards, and I feel like I'm being made out as the bad person even though I tried hard to maintain a relationship for a lot of years and did try to encourage her to have a relationship with her granddaughter even if she wasn't bothered about me.

I don't know what to do next (if anything), and I'm doubting myself about whether I should have just sent the cards to keep the peace.

I think you have tried hard enough for long enough and now it is time to give up because it makes you unhappy. Full NC will make you feel much better.

You are doing the right thing. Your mother hasn't earned your respect or consideration. Sending her cards to "keep the peace" does nothing of the sort, it only serves to keep you trapped by her manipulation.

how is your relationship with the rest of the family?
Who is the one who told you what she's been saying?

Canary I have a good relationship with the rest of the family - better then she does as they feel she has let them down too with no contact or visits despite repeated efforts. But my grandparents seem to feel that little contact and the occasional visit is better then nothing (although it upsets them) and do what they can to keep the peace. It was them my mother was talking too, and they spoke to my DH during a visit to us to say they had heard I hadn't sent the cards and did they need to act as go betweens in order to help the relationship. I love my grandparents dearly and we are very close. They didn't talk to me directly because that could lead to a conversation dangerously close to conflict which is unheard of in my family!!

I understand,
Honestly I'd do nothing if I were you.
Your grandparents didn't feel it was important enough of an issue to speak to you directly about how you feel, they put it on to your DH instead just as lip service. They don't want to interfere by the sounds of it.
So , you have a choice :
Confront your mother and tell her exactly how you feel.
Confront your grandparents and tell them exactly how you feel (they most likely already know)
Send cards for the sake of it
Or Carry on as you are.

I'd carry on as you are. Youre not doing anything wrong. If other family members are concerned they can speak to you directly imo