To not have a bloody clue what to say?!

[ClandestineAdulation]

Posting here partly for traffic (sorry!) and partly because I have no idea where else to post...

I have recently taken on a junior member of staff (17) who is currently 5 weeks pregnant. She debated keeping the baby for a while but has now settled on having a termination.

I have never dealt with anything like this before, personally, or at work, and I have absolutely no idea what to say to her after the procedure. She has had little support from family and friends and has turned to me to discuss her options, pros and cons etc, so I have been there with her along the way of her pregnancy.

AIBU to ask, what would you say? What's appropriate for someone who has opened up to me in such a personal way, but is still my colleague?

Advice greatly appreciated...

I think I'd just give her a hug (if appropriate), ask how she's doing and say you're there if she wants to talk. Then leave the ball in her court.

I would just ask her in private how she's feeling and if there's any further support she needs when she's back at work. I don't think you need to say anything specific about the fact that she's had a termination - she might not want to dwell on it. It sounds like you've already been kind and supportive so she'll already know that you care.

Do you have a policy in relation to compassionate leave? I would make sure you've all the information available to tell her about any time off she may be entitled to so that she doesn't worry about rushing back. ( if this can be arranged). I would be reassuring about confidentiality but would probably try to avoid getting sucked into any arrangements for the termination itself unless it was blatantly obvious that she had no support at all and was struggling. ( is there a partner on the scene? )

Thanks everyone.

SpiritedLondon No policy as such but have said that I'm happy for her to take whatever time she needs. Termination is booked outside of working hours. No partner on the scene, it was a one night stand and he doesn't know about the pregnancy.

I honestly feel so bad for her with the lack of support she has and the knowledge that she has had to make such a heavy decision on her own.

It doesn't have to be a massive thing though. Obviously it's not something undertaken lightly, but once the procedure is done and she's back at work she could be happy to just move forward and put it behind her. That's why I said to leave the ball in her court.

Margot It has become quite a consuming factor at work, though. She has a history of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts and is worried about how she will react after the procedure. I don't want to make a bigger deal out of it than necessary, but want to let her know that in there for her, without saying the wrong thing. Hugs have been a regular occurrence following tears and desperation in her part, so I can offer that at the very least.

May I ask how long she is taking off work for the termination? Apart from the MH possible issues, which you seem to be very sympathetic and realistic about, there are physical issues to cope with too.

Can you tell her that she can get CBT via her GP? Sounds like she'd benefit from it and needs it. I know I sound like a bitch, but how involved do you want to be? Is she going to start relying on you to shore her up from now on? I'd find that a huge responsibility which would definitely have an impact on my job.

I would be distancing myself and ensuring she gets every bit of support available, but I wouldn't want to be involved myself. Been there, done that recently and had a colleague (for whom I'm responsible) try to use me as her counsellor. I've directed her to the relevant support, but the workplace is not the correct place for this. I'm not qualified to help.

Elephant This is just it; she's young, and doesn't known what to expect, and I have no idea how she's going tonne feeling afterwards. I'm preparing for her to be off work for a day, then the weekend will follow, but unsure how much time is usually taken after the procedure?

I don't want to put her under any pressure to come back before it's necessary, but have read that it might be best for her to stick to a routine and get back into the swing of things so she isn't spending so much time alone.

Be supportive but keep professional boundaries. The last thing she needs is to get emotionally reliant on you and then you have to pull back to remain professional. Offer time and support as per policies, and a friendly face, plus direct her to confidential support services.

Poor thing. I can't imagine going through that with no support.

I would try to play it by ear. Tell her to keep in touch - let her lead by how she's feeling.

She's very lucky to have you. You sound awesome

Medical procedures have moved on since my experience of such things (I am a teacher but not now close to these issues). The first thing used to be the reaction to the GA, for younger people it may be the first time. Also the production of breast milk and sometimes the need for a 'D and C' afterwards if there is a heavy bleed, also the 'baby blues'. However at 5 weeks she may escape these physical aftermaths. And as I have said things have moved on so it may be completely different now. The MH issues and offers of counselling are, IME always offered by the NHS. 3 days might be ok but perhaps plan for 5. I do agree though with your approach of getting back into the swing of things.

Thanks again, everyone, for your advice, kind words and support.

I think I need to play it by ear and let her lead; I see so much of my younger self in her which is why I feel like I can relate to her worries about how she may feel afterwards in terms of her MH.

And Elephant, I'll keep that in mind; I have no issue with her taking all the time she needs.