Social service's and chronic illness?

[Herestoinsanity]

Long-term poster new user as I needed a fresh start for anominity, (yoni massage, penis beaker, naice ham, pombears).

Today I get called into school, over some concerns about 2 of my ds's, long story short a report has been made to SS because they have told the school they are scared of their dad.
Fair enough I can deal with this the school are happy their step dad and I ain't a problem so I am solving this at least that's what I am telling myself.
I have spoken to all my DCs and they have all said they are scared of their dad and his rules, and although they haven't been hurt physically they are scared they will be.

Now DCs dad kinda of stays with us in an annex on our property as he is a lazy bastard who refuses to work but he does a lot of the childcare as I am chronically ill and try to run a business.

I have thrown him out making him go to his mothers, explained that it's not fair for the kids to be scared in their own home.
I have no doubt the kids aren't overreacting (we split 7 years ago due to DV but he was always a good father).
I am happy the school have done their job in safeguarding and I am happy the DCs have felt able to speak to them and then to my DH and I when I asked them about it but I'm terrified.

I have several chronic illnesses and no support network, we have no friends or family close by. We are fortunate enough our business is staffed so DH can go part time although financially we are stuffed (newish business so not exactly making good money) as we can just about cover rent and bills.
I will have to give up my part time role in the business to be a SAHM but with my illness I have no idea how I am going to cope when I am on my own.

Due to my illnesses I am unable to bath or shower without supervision and am on strong medication. Im scared SS will take my children into care because of this.
My DH is wonderful and will help as much as possible but he will need to go into work to pay the bills, my PIP claim is still under assessment.

I know Im not unreasonable to kick out their dad but am I being worried over nothing with SS? How do ill parents cope? Am I risking losing my kids because their dad is an arsehole?

As a side note their dad is not a horrible person to the kids from what I have seen, he is strict and has no idea how to portray his voice so can come across aggressive but has never laid a hand on them. I have spoken to him several times about how he talks to the kids (at them not to them, his manner etc) to no avail.
I don't feel he is a risk but due to our history and how my DCs feel him leaving is what's best for them.

Using a violent aggressive man for child care is a bad idea. Well done for taking action.

The SS won't remove your children because you are ill. You made the right decision kicking the dad out and SS will realise this.

Rent out his annex for extra income and employ someone for busy times to help.

I wish I could flapjack I don't own the property and its unlikely the landlord (my df) will allow anyone else to rent it, he only allowed DCs dad to for the sake of his grandkids, he doesn't like strangers and would prefer to use it for his is own storage.

You are minimising the situation between your children and their Father.

Sometimes within extreme situations, the needs of the children get overlooked/dismissed.

All SS want to do is to have that balance readdressed.

They may offer support, or they may put conditions in place so you realise the harm the childcare arrangement is doing to your children.

Good move for throwing him out. The kids will be so much better off without him around. Coming across as aggressive is an implied threat of physical consequence and maybe they remember what he did to you so he is definitely a risk to their mental health if not (yet) physically.

Could you get a au pair or live-in house keeper? Would your Dad understand that you need some help with the kids and business for the sake of your health?

How am I minimizing when I have thrown him out? I have to keep a calm head for the DCs sake, trust me when I say you have no idea how much I wish murder was legal.

The childcare arrangement has very much ended, my DCs come first and as soon as I have been made aware of the issue I removed the problem. He will be 100 miles away by this time tomorrow.

I wish we could afford an au pair or even a sitter but we put every penny into the business to build a good life for us all and now we have to cut back our hour's even more so I have no idea how we are meant to afford anything other than bare basics.
Hopefully if I get awarded PIP I can look to getting extra help but I imagine another month or two to get through first.

"As a side note their dad is not a horrible person to the kids from what I have seen, he is strict and has no idea how to portray his voice so can come across aggressive but has never laid a hand on them. I have spoken to him several times about how he talks to the kids (at them not to them, his manner etc) to no avail.
I don't feel he is a risk"

You are underestimating the damage done by him. He carried out DV, but he isn't a horrible person?

Your children have ad to tell a Teacher for you to act.

But it is done, now to move forward.

SS, if they contact you, will want you to recognise, the effect of his behavior on them, him being allowed to treat your children as he wished.

A child's brain does not process things as you would do, he shouldn't have had access.

There must be a lot going on in their heads, there will be a level of them possibly feeling guilty about him being gone, as scared as they were. There's a lot of conflicting emotions.

It is there MH that SS and the school will seek to protect, as well as the physical.

Thankfully they were listened to and it was acted upon.

It shouldn't have took the School to end the arrangement.

They won't remove the children, as long as their safety starts to be put first. They may form a plan and want it carried out, without reasons why an abusive person is having to their Carer.

Had the DCs have spoken to me at any point I would have intervened.
Just because a relationship ended due to DV a long time ago doesn't mean a man isn't capable of being a good father (although in his case I was obviously completely wrong).

Social service's were completely satisfied with him having unrestricted access after the DV as he took all the advised steps including a parenting course, sought counselling and worked with Drs on medication.
As DCs were so young at the time health visitor referred us for safeguarding before anyone asks.

He has never shown any threat around me and DH about the DCs his personality is portrayed aggressive as that's who he is, maybe the wrong word more military type, strict and hard faces.

Sorry Im not a mindreader and couldn't foretell this happening.
I have done my best to remove the problem from the moment I found out and making out I have not done enough is victim blaming.

Do you act the same to a parent when they find out their child has been sexually abused by a family member??

I think you could have probably foretold this happening tbh but it was free childcare so you looked the other way.
Some family members of mine were exposed to dv as kids and one now has serious ptsd and the other anxiety.
Don't minimise the impact on kids.

Yes if a family member was guilty of dv I would act the same if they were later found to have abused children. I. E they were not suitable to provide childcare even as a parent.

2014newme let's use the mumsnet classic did you mean to be so rude?

How fucking dare you accuse me of looking the other way over free childcare.
You sick horrible human being.

That's my children you are talking about.

I hope to his one day nothing happens to your dc and you get the blame for it.

DISGUSTING!!!!

Nobody is blaming you but you can't act surprised and say you never saw it coming that your violent dh would treat the kids badly. Lots of abused women minimise its fairly common.

Do you really need to give up work altogether if the DC are at full time school? Look at ways of working flexibly between yourself and dh first of all. Then consider the other options such as after school clubs etc. There may be another parent who offers after school care or any number of other options.

Would your DF really refuse you an au pair in the annex? If it's all let as the same property she would be classes as a guest.

Work with SS and they may be able to offer some further suggestions. Having a chronic condition is shit and I don't even have young DC so I'm sure it's a nightmare but you will manage to figure it out. Deep breath and keep going. I hope you get the PIP sorted as that could make such a difference. Consult CAB if you run into problems with that.

I think you could have probably foretold this happening tbh but it was free childcare so you looked the other way.
Wow 2014 words fail me
Did you mean to be so nasty?
The fact ss gave him unsupervised access but the op should have seen this coming when ss didn't?
And as for the sexual abuse comment, my god.
Op id ignore their comments, its not often im shocked on here.
Im sorry this has happened.
You've done the right thing kicking him out.

Thank you Matilda, unfortunately our business is a fair commute and I am now unable to drive due to meds, my eldest DC is autistic and needs an adult close to home due to any arising issues.
I am looking at part time work locally but as much as people can't turn me down for my disability seeing my wheelchair seems to just make them find another excuse.

I had a meeting with my eldest DC mental health worker today and she's under the impression that since the school is telling them that the issue is resolved they won't bother (met with the pastoral care first thing today and she is satisfied) but I'm not as concerned today after a lot of thinking.

More worried about how Im going to cope, each day was such a struggle even with the childcare that I have no idea how I cope going forward.
Today I have hurt like never before and that's just 2 meetings, 2 school runs meal prep and one normal day in my household.

DF has been made aware of the situation and he is already making plans to fill it with his junk.
He says no strangers are to live on his property without them paying rent... don't even get me started.

Frustrating but after all is said and done I may even consider moving closer to our shop so I can work and have whoever I want staying with us.

Both children told their teachers they were scared of dad who lives with you? School referred to SS but you haven't Heard from them yet?
This system is failing terribly

Are you claiming DLA for your ds? Then you could also get carers allowance potentially. Get advice on what you might be entitled to and, crucially, how to apply in the best possible way.

Life sounds tough. If your meds are painkillers that make you woozy and unable to drive, this may improve. I can now drive which makes life much easier. Again, get advice. Does your condition have a charity or group where you can access help and support?

My eldest who is autistic has told his senco teacher, she spoke to my other DS to basically find out if their was any truth to it as eldest does have a problem with authority and has a tendency to dramatize events. DS2 agreed with Eldest.
School conferred with MASH as both DC very clear they are afraid of dad but are very happy when mum and SD are home so told them to meet with me. I go find out what has happened, speak to all DCs to make sure it's nothing physical and see if I need to get police etc involved, and I throw out DCs dad and am now trying to be the lead parent all whilst dealing with an autistic child, several chronic illnesses and trying to make ends meet.
This is all in less than 48hrs... seems to be effective in my book.

DS DAD was going to apply for DLA for him so he could apply for carers allowance but never bothered.
I am going to apply once my PIP is sorted, they do not make it easy.

My condition does have a good support network so I will try there thank you for the advice.

I'd apply for the DLA as soon as you can. Not only would the DLA and carer's help, but it adds about £60 pw to child tax credits too.

2014newme what the fuck did you gain from posting that bollocks?

OP found out about the issue and has thrown her ex out, despite the fact that this will put her in severe financial difficulties. What more do you want from her? Self flagellation?

She has indeed done the right thing and I wish her all the best.

Sorry I meant the fact SS haven't been in contact with you not your actions!