Think IABU about love letter saga - you tell me

[MamaMotherMummy]

Divorced a while ago. New DP, generally very lovely. However I'm currently having a hard time at work which is impacting on my feelings in general.

Moving house, sorting things with DP and found some old love letters from my exH out of the blue. They hit me very hard, because they're very beautiful. We once were so in love, and felt like we could last forever. The letters are very 'we will be together for eternity' kind of thing. They made me cry instantly, as I instantly got a sense of 'how can something so amazing not last'. They also made me feel insecure about relationship with DP, because it is truly wonderful with him, and I just had a deep moment of 'why don't good things last forever'.

I began to cry and wanted to talk with DP about it. He said 'let's just keep sorting these things out' and obviously didn't want to talk about it. I said I really needed to talk about it and that it made me feel insecure in what we have. He got annoyed and said none of that is his responsibility.

This is probably true, but it hurt a lot at the time. I then asked if he would please just talk about it with me as I was upset, he then said 'what kind of shit do you have me on? you're really stressing me out. stop asking me.'

I then went into the other room, still upset. He kept talking to himself, pissed off, from the other room, and I told him to be quiet because it was upsetting me more.

He then went out, though came back after a couple of minutes.

When he left I had to stop myself from panicking. As a child I was never allowed to be upset about anything, and my DM would never comfort me, just respond with annoyance. I felt consistently emotionally abandoned, and have done years of self development work trying to heal from this.

His reaction triggered me, I think, and I told him his unwillingness to comfort me made me replay the relationship with my mother again and feel all the old feelings.

After about twenty minutes, he came and hugged me and checked I was okay, which I was by then, having talked to one of my friends (who also told me talking about it on demand was not his responsibility). He has been his normal, kind self since.

My estimation of the situation: He was reasonable, I was unreasonably pressuring him, and, quite frankly, need to do some more bloody work on my mother issues. Am I right?

You may need to do some work on your issues, but we can't help what triggers us and he could have been kinder about it.

TBH if my DH (or any previous DPs) wanted to talk about how the rediscovery of love letters from their Exs made them feel I'd be out of there like a shot. It's uncomfortable - you know they had a previous love, but you don't need or want to hear about it. So yes, cut him some slack, and I hope you're OK.

I'm confused. You wanted to discuss your nostalgic feelings for your ex with your current partner? No wonder he was pissed off.

In regards to issues with your mother, have you sought professional help with this? I feel it's unfair to expect your partner to console you constantly, just because your mother didn't.

Nancy, they weren't about my feelings for my ex. They triggered general feelings about whether love lasts or not, and made me imagine my current relationship ending, which upset me. I would have been very willing to talk to him if the roles were reversed, but maybe that's just me.

And unfortunately, yes, I've had years of professional help. I have got a lot better from how I was before, suicidal etc, but things still linger on, especially in times of stress.

Hassled, I really am okay now these feelings I get tend to be intense but short-lived. Everything's back to normal now.

He probably didn't know that's what was upsetting you and just saw you crying over letters from your ex... I know you needed comforting but try to see it from his point of view.
I once found a birthday card to my DP from his ex (from 8 years previous) and I felt sick and upset for days as it struck me that he'd loved someone other than me before I came along. I knew obviously that was the case but seeing her messages of love made me physically hurt

Winosaurus now you say it like that, I totally get why he was upset/annoyed!

For me I wouldn't feel the same at all. I guess everyone's different.

To him it woudl look as if you were upset that your previous relationship had ended and still had a thing for your ex. That will have been hurtful for him and he may be wondering how sturng your committment is to him or whether he will always be judged up against your previous relationship.
Now that you have explained, I see where you are coming from. My marriage ended in as sad way and I get moments of meloncholy about how things can go wrong and how nothing is certain or forever. Bu they are general feelings. My feelings about my ex are kind of separate and things ended because they weren't good - those are more specific feelings based on reality raterh than what might have been.

I destroyed all the love letters from my ex after we broke up - and I'm really glad I did, he is part of my past and I have a future ahead of me which he is not part of. I don't want to read over things that I felt years ago, and if I had a new partner, I wouldn't want him going through is exes old love letters - it's abit disrespectful.
But I know these things can be sad and difficult, so I hope you can move on and find happiness with your new chap

Also mama I'm sending you a big hug xxx

It's really not fair to use a current partner to help you get over feelings about your ex. Even when the feelings aren't about the person themselves, they're about the way you felt in a relationship with them, and your feelings are what matter to a current partner.

Seeing a partner burst into sobs over letters from their ex would certainly make me feel insecure, I can tell you for sure.

I wouldn't be happy talking to my boyfriend about that if it was the other way round.

I think your nostalgia/lost love feelings are for your diary or your friends not your partner

A gentle YABU - your current DP can't tell you your relationship will last for ever.

Sounds like you have good friends though.

I can totally see both sides.

I really would not want to have a deep and meaningful converstation with dh that was triggered by him finding 'beautiful' love letters from his ex.

I do see why it was a shock to read them and you emotions around them too. But i think its unreasonable to try and force him to discuss it right there and then. If you wanted to explain why you got emotional, later, fair enough.

You opening paragraph suggests that nit all is well with your DP so this is upsetting.

When i was moving in with dh we were packing up his old bedroom. I found a letter he wrote to his ex while they were in the process of splitting up. It was awful to read. As pp said i knew he had been in love before to reading it is different. It was gutting for a couple of days.

He had written it and decided not to send it, put it in a junk drawer and forgot about it. He didnt feel that way when i found it he felt awful that i had seen it. It was not easy to see, if he had got emotional about it or it was from her and he got emotional about it, i wouldnt have been ok comforting him.

Oh gosh, you're all being so lovely. Thank you all I feel much better and clearer about the situation.

Off out to get chocolate and a cheeky drink, which always helps