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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a family not just a child?

18 replies

PixieChemist · 13/09/2017 16:55

So my friend and I were chatting yesterday about wanting DC in the near future. Long story short, I said that I don't just want a DC, I want a family. She looked at me like I was crazy and said she'd never even thought about it that way, she just saw it as having a DC not having a family.

Now I'm confused. I mean is my way of thinking about it abnormal? The way I see it, if I just wanted a DC I probably would have brought it up with my ex. But I don't, I want to be able to provide them with a happy family life. Of course people break up, things change and the best laid plans and all that. So I know I have a very in an ideal world viewpoint but I guess I was just wondering if it's abnormal to view it the way I do?

OP posts:

Ttbb · 13/09/2017 16:58

Your view is the normal, sane, emotionally healthy view.

kaytee87 · 13/09/2017 16:58

It's the same thing really, I get what you mean but a single parent family is still a family after all

RebelRogue · 13/09/2017 17:03

There is no normal here.
Some people want children without necessarily having a partner.
Some people want children with no partner on the scene.
Some people want partner and kids.
Some people want partner,just kids.
Some people regardless of what they want, end up in certain situations and make the best of it.

They can all be family units , even if they "deviate" from the traditional sense.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 13/09/2017 17:16

Yabu. Because there are many types of family and that includes single parent families, childless couples, blended families etc. You seem to think 2 parents are necessary which isn't the case.
If you are saying that you want your child to grow up with their father around I think you'll find that that is what the vast majority of people want if possible. It's certainly not some kind of minority view.

alltheworld · 13/09/2017 17:26

Even if you have a child on your own, you have a family but maybe not the traditional one you would want.

Firesuit · 13/09/2017 17:30

You seem to think 2 parents are necessary which isn't the case.

No, she thinks two parents is something worth aiming for, whereas her friend apparently thinks that having a partner and have a child are unrelated aspirations that can be pursued separately. I think.

Original poster

PixieChemist · 13/09/2017 18:09

I didn't mean to offend anyone and I'm sorry if it came across that way

No, she thinks two parents is something worth aiming for, whereas her friend apparently thinks that having a partner and have a child are unrelated aspirations that can be pursued separately. I think.

This ^^ is exactly what I was trying to say

OP posts:

Original poster

PixieChemist · 13/09/2017 18:12

I'm not sure that quote is right actually thinking about it.

My friend is in a relationship but just said it never occurred to her to think about having DC as having a family and thought I was odd for seeing it that way in my own personal situation. But to me having a DC is about having or increasing ones family.

OP posts:

carefreeeee · 13/09/2017 18:13

It's a bit odd if you think having a child means having a family...most of us already have other family members. Do you mean that you want to be happily married with children? I think that's a very normal thing to want, people generally only get to the point of not wanting that when they are getting on a bit and are still single and realise the clock is ticking. I'd guess there are very few who would deliberately prefer single parent hood rather than a partner to share things with.

Is your friend single?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 13/09/2017 18:13

So she's in a relationship but she's planning on ending it once she's fertilised? Or is she planning on making a go of it as most do?

Original poster

PixieChemist · 13/09/2017 22:40

Hmm I'm not sure I'm explaining what I mean very well. I would rather we got married before having DC. Maybe it's just because my family are totally useless and we don't get along very well but I only really have DP and his DD as my decent family who I'm close to and so having a DC with him would in my view be increasing my family.

Corbyn as far as I'm aware she's no plans to end it. I think she just doesn't see it as a family. I think growing up whenever anyone talked about having DC they talked about "starting a family".

OP posts:

PhyllisWig · 13/09/2017 23:07

I get what you mean I think. It's about creating a unit (regardless of what that unit looks like?).

One of the reasons marriage was important to me was the external recognition of the family unit I had already created with my dh (not saying you have to be married for this btw, just saying for me it was important). Having kids was an extension to that unit.

Although I am close to and adore my parents/siblings, I have created something new and distinct.

Is that it? If so I agree with you.

Trills · 13/09/2017 23:24

having a partner and have a child are unrelated aspirations that can be pursued separately

They certainly CAN be pursued separately. Your friend isn't wrong there.

More often than not, people who want children want them with a partner.
More often than not, people with a partner want children.
But many many people want just one or the other or neither of these things.

A strong overlap or slant to the "usual" desires doesn't imply that people who prefer otherwise are wrong. They just have different preferences.

Allthewaves · 13/09/2017 23:45

Everyone has their own ideas of what they would like. I knew if I had children I wanted to be married and hopefully raise our children with my partner. I wouldn't have had children if I hadn't met someone I wanted to marry

Zool69 · 13/09/2017 23:55

Why did you start your first sentence with "so"? Doesn't make sense.

Rollercoaster1920 · 13/09/2017 23:55

I'd be worried that your friend would become one of those mums who just wants a child, and will become so absorbed in the child after birth that everything else can go to hell because "my baby!!!!"

These people do exist. Lots of them. Luckily some come out the other side without wrecking all family and friendship ties around them....

Original poster

PixieChemist · 14/09/2017 12:28

rollercoaster Sorry but what do you mean?

I'm a little concerned because i brought this up with DP last night and he agreed with my friend!!

OP posts:

Original poster

PixieChemist · 14/09/2017 12:31

I get what you mean I think. It's about creating a unit (regardless of what that unit looks like?).

Yes Phyllis that ^^ is what I mean

I don't necessarily mean mum dad child type family but more making it one unit. I don't live in a traditional nuclear family, there's currently me, DP and DSD so I do understand families come in all shapes and sizes. But for me it's about creating, or in my case increasing the size of my family. I just can't get my head around how your DC doesn't become part of your family and your sole purpose is to just have a DC - but for what if they're without family. Genuinely confused and trying to get my head around this.

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