MIL and weddings

[crumpledwand]

Sorry this may be a long post and perhaps I am being a bit sensitive some might say IABU which I fully expect.

Just before I start I want to be absolutely clear that MIL, BIL & SIL are all really lovely wonderful people who are very supportive.

Earlier this year my DP and I announced our wedding not a massive affair but by no means small either think around 60 day guests 100 evening in a popular local hotel. The reason for the large number of guests is because it was important for us to have our family and closest friends there. We booked our wedding for the end of this year.

About 3 weeks later BIL got in touch to say he and SIL had booked their wedding we were over the moon for them, he then proceeded to give us the details turns out they had booked to get married in florida 2 months before our wedding. I will admit that I felt a little put out by this and was upset for a short while but I soon realised I was being unreasonable and they can get married where and when they like.

With our own wedding so close there was no way we could afford to attend BIL's wedding in florida but he was very understanding and they are having a reception when they get home which my DP and I are really looking forward to. it was set that MIL and her partner would be going to florida along with SIL's parents and their partners.

the lead up to this wedding hasn't been enjoyable for MIL. BIL and SIL do not live local so shes felt very pushed out of the organising I have really felt for her so I have included her in my planning and been sure to take her to dress fittings and just her opinion on stuff (we do have a great relationship and we are very close) MIL has said on several occasions she was not looking forward to BIL's wedding because of location and that nobody else will really be there I have reassured her the whole way that it will be different when she gets there and she will have the best time.

Anyway.. today is the wedding day and MIL is still here due to the hurricane MIL and her partner along with SIL mum and her partner have been unable to go to the wedding its been a very tough time for my MIL and Ive had her over in tears a couple of times I took her on a day out to cheer her up but you can just tell she is hurting so badly that she isnt there. A few other things have gone wrong since BIL and SIL got to their wedding destination and at one point it looked like the wedding would be called off but thankfully they have decided to go ahead and have their day it will be very intimate but they are happy to proceed and then they can enjoy the rest of their holiday and know that they have an amazing reception waiting for them when they get home. Mil came to visit today before leaving to meet SIL mum and while she was here she made a few remarks about the kind of wedding DP and I are having saying that they are pointless I feel incredibly hurt by this as my DP and I have saved hard and worked hard to pull our wedding together and we thought she was excited for the day too I get she is upset about BIL and SIL as we all are but she is really giving me the impression that now it has gone a bit pear shaped with BIL's wedding shes not all that interested with ours anymore which makes me feel gutted not only for my DP but for me too I regard this lady as a 2nd mum (my own mother passed away a few years ago) AIBU to be feeling hurt by MIL comments? I haven't said anything as I dont want MIL feeling any worse today then she probably already does.

What did she think exactly was pointless? The getting married bit or the actual event? Did she give any reason to why she thought this?

Sorry, it's not very clear from your message exactly what she said about your wedding that was hurtful, so it's hard to help or offer advice!

I wonder if what is happening is rationalisation. Sometimes when something bad happens, people are hurt - but instead of processing the hurt, they come up with a tangential response. In this case, your MIL was hurt by not being able to make the wedding because of the hurricane, so she could be rationalising that by saying "All weddings are pointless and stupid".

I would just get on with having the best possible day you can, and give her some leeway to sound off. It sounds as though she's had a big disappointment, though I have to say that these things do happen, and there really is a lot worse that can go wrong - just think how much this would pale into insignificance if something bad had happened to your relations in the storm. People often get a bit overwrought over weddings - they are special, but they are also just another day, and not worth falling out over or many tears.

Apologies for the delayed response the afternoon and evening became really hectic. From what she said I took it to mean that any wedding that was bigger then what bil and sil have had is ridiculous and pointless I sort of felt it was a dig but at the same time she doesn't really have form for that kind of thing.

I totally understand she's feeling so many different things last week was an emotional rollercoaster for her and I've tried my hardest to be there for her which is why I guess i took the comment to heart. When mil married my dps dad they had a very small ceremony and went for a meal after it was more of a formality for her which she and I have had in depth discussions about it was a different time. I just sort of feel that now bils wedding didn't go to plan she's sort of playing our wedding down so that we won't act so excited about it she may feel it will upset her other son and his new wife? I would never want to hurt them but I do want to be excited about our day.

Bil and sil got married a few hours ago photos are gorgeous and despite everything that has happened they have the biggest smiles on their faces. I genuinely mean it when I say that me and dp couldn't be happier for them. I have heard from my MIL she's very emotional tonight a little sad she isn't there but overall very proud and I know in time she's going to feel a lot better about the whole situation. To be honest we are all just happy that bil and sil are safe and happy that's all any of us could really wish for. I perhaps was being over sensitive to the comment that was made and I definatly won't be falling out with anyone over it.

I think your MIL is just lashing out at those closest to her because of the the disappointment of missing her son's wedding. I am sure she will have the best time at your wedding and so will you. Try not to take it to heart. Hope you have a fabulous day

It unfortunate that your BIL and SIL decided to steal some of your lime light, but their wedding is over now (bar the reception) and then you can focus on your wedding.

You aren't doing it all just for your MIL, remember you have your DP and other friends and family to celebrate with.

Look forward to your wedding with fond memories of your own mum - make her proud xxx

Poor woman - yes just saying things because she's hurt. Forgive her, accept it's not you or your wedding that is the issue and move on with your plans and excitement. Continue to include her and tell her she's like a second mother. You sound really kind and thoughtful.

She's said something thoughtless that she probably doesn't even mean as she's gutted at missing the wedding. Maybe give her a bit of space? She'll be completely different at your wedding.

Being that invested in other peoples weddings (never get going dress shopping, what a bore!) Is a sign of lack of her own interests. Not your problem. Ignore stupid remarks, tell her to stop being rude .

I suspect that what she meant - having seen SIL's wedding pics where they had a good time with no guests - is that it's the marriage itself and the bride & groom that are the most important thing about a wedding and that everything else is an optional extra. I doubt she really meant that your wedding is 'pointless'. Sounds like she's just trying to make herself feel better after her disappointment and trying to be positive about the wedding she missed, and has accidentally made it sound like she has a problem with yours. I'm sure she will love your wedding and will be really excited about it; she's just a bit all over the place at the moment because of what's happened.

You sound like a lovely DIL and this definitely isn't worth falling out with her over; I'm sure she didn't mean to be rude.

Try to toughen up a bit and be less bothered by the things other people say when they are under a gigantic amount of stress and very emotional about their own family. Its probably not about you, she is probably just vulnerable and letting off steam. that is part of being close to someone - you have to support them.

Just ignore it and get on with planning your wedding.

Totally agree with everything you have all said. I am lucky to have such a wonderful mil some people are not so lucky. I'm going to forget the comment and continue to support her through a tough time. She's in better spirits today which is great

If she is in better mood, perhaps you can broach the subject with her rather than letting it fester. Perhaps along the lines of 'i have really enjoyed having you to help with the wedding arrangements and I thought you did too, but the 'pointless' comment the other day made me wonder if you wanted to take a backseat, not be so involved' See what she says. It will be a good way to clear the air.

She's lucky to have you, I'm sure she knows that on a normal day. Put it down to her being upset and give her the benefit of the doubt this time. (But only this time!). She might even apologise, you never know!

She doesn't mean it, don't hold it against her. She's just very upset. Be kind.