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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My son doesn't like me

22 replies

keepthenoisedown17 · 13/09/2017 07:50

Just that really.

My DS is 3. He never wants to come near me if my DH is around. He's all over him and literally recoils if I come near him. I am so hurt by it even though I know it's ridiculous to be hurt by a just turned 3 year old. It's starting to get to the point where I dread being alone with him because I get nervous. I can't even explain it just feel a bit tense around my own son. Admittedly he does prefer men over women but I really feel I've failed as a mother and have done something wrong.

OP posts:

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/09/2017 07:51

It's a phase and a very hurtful one for you however

Patience and create some focussed 1:1 time with him

I had this a bit with Ds1

Twinkletowedelephant · 13/09/2017 07:55

Dd was all about daddy..... Ds2 all about mummy and ds1 whoever was nearest :)

Original poster

keepthenoisedown17 · 13/09/2017 07:55

Thanks stop

It's been going on for so long now that I don't even know when it started. I was responsible for my DS's care as my husband was on the rigs for a year from when DS was 1 until he was 2. I'm not sure if DH's long absences have made DS worried he won't come back or if he just doesn't like me

OP posts:

MrsOverTheRoad · 13/09/2017 07:57

Well it's probably the fact that when he came back, your DS was so enamoured of his Dad that you got shelved...because he's secure in your love.

He KNOWS you're always there.

It's a compliment really.

Pickleypickles · 13/09/2017 07:59

My dad worked shifts when i was little so i could go one week to the next without seeing him so when he was home i was all for my dad maybe it just that?
If it helps im much closer to my mum now

Original poster

keepthenoisedown17 · 13/09/2017 08:00

Ah mrs I wish I could believe that but he's bloody horrible to me at times.

OP posts:

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 13/09/2017 08:08

Ah this is tough. But I've seen a lot of kids do this. He's tough with you because he feels safe you're a constant. He knows that whatever he does you will always be there.

I get this to a certain extent with my youngest. I am with him most of the time. DH works long hours so DC are always asleep when he gets back. So he doesn't see much of them and when he does he tends to look after the eldest more as they really miss daddy time

So what's his first word? Daddy. He can spend entire days repeating - daddy gone. Daddy gone. Daddy gone. He even learnt to say dr who before he said mummy (courtesy of elder DC!) I'm that low down on his priorities!

Try not to take it too personally. I know how hard this is. does he go to nursery? Just wondered if he had some other adult figures around and how he is with them (and also that you get a break!)

Original poster

keepthenoisedown17 · 13/09/2017 08:13

aaaaargh i work full time so DS is cared for by my parents, DH's parents and a childminder. He is at nursery 5 mornings as well.

Even with my DM and my MIL he can be a bit funny but all over his grandads. It's so strange.

OP posts:

thegreylady · 13/09/2017 08:14

It's just because he trusts you to love him and look after him no matter what. He can vent his fears and frustrations on you because he knows you are his rock and whatever he does you will always be ready to nurture him. Daddy is a different matter. Daddy goes away. He might not come back (a three year old doesn't understand about work etc). Daddy must be courted just in case. You are your boy's world and Daddy is a lovely part of that world.

Lime19 · 13/09/2017 08:18

My son is 3 too and this is exactly my situation. He even told me "mummy I don't love you" the other day. His dad is the fun parent and always lets him get away with being naughty. I'm the one that ends fun and tells him off. Is it any wonder?!

We are trying to make more 1:1 time with me and I'm encouraging my husband to be bad cop more!

Original poster

keepthenoisedown17 · 13/09/2017 08:19

Ah lime it's horrible isn't it?

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 13/09/2017 08:28

I think children often treat the primary caregiver as though they are part of the furniture. I recently re-read DS's old primary school holiday diaries, and it's all "daddy daddy daddy". I'm a single parent, did stuff with him all summer long, never mind the rest of the year, and barely get a mention, because I am there all the time. My ex, on the other hand - DS seeing him was an occasion, so gets mentions and fanfare! And it all seems so unfair, but I know how close DS is to me.

He can push you away, OP, because he knows you will never push him away in return. He's secure enough in your love to ignore you! And I won't lie, it can hurt, and it can feel so unfair, but there it is.

ArcheryAnnie · 13/09/2017 08:30

And when I did get a childminder, DS (who was TINY) used to gently but firmly push me out of the room so he'd have the childminder to himself. It made me so relieved that he loved the childminder that much!

Gumbo · 13/09/2017 08:33

I remember posting a thread like this almost word for word several years ago when my DS was 2 or 3. I'd often be in tears about it as I honestly believed he disliked me.

But like PP have said, it's just a phase - give it a little time and it'll all change and there'll be something else bewildering and potentially upsetting that he'll be doing instead

My DS is now several years older and we honestly couldn't be closer . It'll pass, hang in there!

IckyPop · 13/09/2017 08:46

My DS is 4 and I think he feels like he can love one of us at a time. If he loves daddy he will tell me "I don't love you" and vice versa.

We always respond with "I love you. I will always love you", so as not to invalidate his feelings but also to reassure him.

The book "no matter what" by Debi Gilori is good story to help explain unconditional love.

He does love you OP, he's just daddy obsessed at the moment. It's a phase as others have said but I know it can feel hurtful. I'm also non-existent in the presence of nanna and aunties 🙄

KimmySchmidt1 · 13/09/2017 08:48

DH being away a year has made him a precious commodity - you are taken for granted as the hired help. your son may have attachment anxiety about DH going away again.

Have you tried not being so needy to up your stock value a bit? Don't make the effort, and wait for him to come to you. he is taking your love for granted, and sometimes you just have to give kids a reason to remember how much they value the comfort and love you provide.

Look interested in other stuff all the time, especially books and magazines - it works with cats.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 13/09/2017 08:55

I've had this all the way through with DD from age 2 ish (NOW 17). I get all the crap but her dad can do no wrong. But as soon as she's sad/worried/upset/struggling its only me she wants. She was devastated when her gran died recently and came crying and reverted back to calling me mummy - it broke my heart to see her pain. I agree with PPs saying its because he doesn't feel he needs to "attract" your love and feels secure so practices different ways of being with you. Its like when they are at school - my DC used gradient their friends were sometimes mean - I would say they are perhaps just testing boundaries. You don't go up to the hardest guy in school and call him a d*CKO

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 13/09/2017 08:56

Posted too soon. Meant to say you try it with your friends first to see what happens. I'm sure it will come out alright for you.

Ttbb · 13/09/2017 08:59

Both of my sons are like that. They will choose male company over female company every single time.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 13/09/2017 09:01

My DS, also 3, is currently going through the opposite - a clingy phase. It's driving me absolutely bonkers! I keep taking deep breaths and telling myself it will pass.

MotherofSausage · 13/09/2017 09:10

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

EdmundCleverClogs · 13/09/2017 09:21

My 2 year old is very loving. Hugs and kisses his daddy, his toys, even his biscuits before eating them. Will he hug and kiss me? Not for all the biscuits in Tesco . 'Can mummy have a hug', 'noooo' - charming!

Though yesterday he dropped one of his heavier toys on my foot, I yelped painfully, louder than I intended. Poor boy instantly burst into tears and needed a twenty minute cuddle, so felt very guilty then (though it was lovely as well). I may only be good for 'sad hugs', but at least I can make him feel better (unless there's a biscuit closer, in which case I go back to being part of the furniture).

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