To think it's a bit soon to be dictating things?

[jellybeanss]

I recently split from my baby's dad (last week), we had a rocky relationship...

We'd only been together a few months before I fell pregnant (unintentional) but we were happy and he told me he would stick by me and we could make this work.
I was in the process of moving out and he told me I could move in with him and his friends just until we got our own place and we could save for a deposit, so I did, but I got pre-natal depression and so the next few months were not an easy ride.

Then baby was born & of course I was instantly consumed by the love I had for my baby and my relationship most certainly took a back seat. But then I got post natal depression (or so I think, I definitely was not in a good place, except when I was in my baby bubble), mine and my partners relationship got a bit more like a friendly relationship, our sex life was almost non existent...

Then recently since going back to work and a bit of normality I started to feel myself, I told him this & explained how much better I was feeling and how much I wanted our family to work and that I felt more in love with him like I used to and just emphasised my desire to try, for us and our little one. He agreed...

3 days later he ended it.

I of course now have so much on my plate, trying to secure a home for me and the baby & ensure I am applying for benefits to ensure I have enough money to keep a roof over our heads and feed us etc. all the while I've been civil, friendly actually - letting him stay whilst he found somewhere to go & ensuring he is very much aware I have no intention of letting his relationship with our DS be ruined & told him ANYTIME he wants to just come after work, feed/bath/put to bed he can and at weekends we have arrangements for him to spend time with DS, but at the moment he's not in a stable home and so I don't feel DS should be staying anywhere other than with me... and I also don't feel ready.

He's now said I'm being unfair, but I feel that 6 days after leaving us is a bit soon for him to be dictating when he's taking DS to stay with him & I have just said that right now I am not ready for that, but when he gets set up we can talk about it.

Help 

Forgot to mention DS is 11 months old, so still young!

Listen to your gut - I would say your DC is too young as well. Don't let him force you into anything.
I hope it all goes well for you.

My DS is similar age and no way would I be away from him at night.

You're right. He's too young. Baby steps. He can take him places on the day. Take him for dinner. Put him to bed (at yours, if you don't mind him being there). But too young to be sleeping elsewhere.

See I don't agree. He's his dad. Unless the place he's at is a squalor or there's more information that results in him being an unfit dad then he has justt as much right to his child as you do.

No no, he has equal responsibilities, not rights, to the child. And part of that is doing what is best for the baby.

This should be about what's best for the child. I suggest that isn't to have instability in his sleeping arrangements or be with out mum. Your ex is putting himself first and is thinking selfishly.

It's too soon for him to be dictating or for you to be dictating?

He's the baby's father and you give the impression that he's involved and keen to remain that way, it's important for him to keep up strong ties (assuming he has strong ties and hasn't suddenly become hands on in order to manipulate you or something). Unstable accommodation is an issue you should be discussing but provided it's stable and suitable for the time the baby is with him, it should suffice? Lots of people take their babies on holiday or to visit family for a weekend with no ill effects, a changing location or one that could be gone next week isn't by itself a reason to stop the baby spending the night with him. That you aren't ready to be apart from him is very sad and will be really hard for you - but it's not really an argument that's going to hold much weight with his dad. You need to come to terms with it.

Focus on what your ex's accommodation needs to be like to be suitable for your son to stay overnight. Concentrate on what's actually necessary for your son, not on what you'd like to see or what's ideal. If your ex can't provide that you have a strong case to refuse, but otherwise it is a painful but necessary aspect of putting your DS first.

He has a right to see his child.

No. His child has a right to see him (unless there are good reasons why that wouldn't be in the child's best interests). Not the same thing.

The parents have responsibilities.
The child has rights.

It's a few things really

A) it's been a few days, like let me come to terms with the idea that I'm going to have to let him stay away... I've not spent more than one night away from him so far (ex however, often goes on nights out and will stay with his friends) so I am nervous

B) he's not settled anywhere, at the mo he is at his dads which isn't suitable (which we both agree on) then, in a few weeks he will be moving in with his friends and his family for a bit until he's saved for a new place

I have said that RIGHT now isn't suitable but he's welcome here and to take DS for a day out and spend as much time with him as he wants.

For those who are saying he has rights - I am MORE than aware of this, but I haven't said no. I have said not right now as it definitely isn't suitable and give me a couple of weeks to at least come to terms with the break up of my family.

I only want what's right for DS and I know from experience, that a child should see their dad regularly and of course that will include DS staying with his dad

It is hard to break up almost any time, but the shock when it comes out of the blue can take your breath away OP. I'm really sorry it's so hard. As almost everyone will tell you, it does get better, and while it doesn't feel that way at the time, clinging to that knowledge has always helped me.

So, your ex is asking to take your son overnight now, at his dads, even though he agrees it is unsuitable? He sounds like a dick then, and yes, you should be saying "no" and being very cautious in the future if he's prepared to take his son even when he agrees it's unsuitable. I might try and get that admission in email for future reference - I think it's quite shocking.

I don't really understand this. It's illogical. He says it's unsuitable but wishes his son to stay anyway?

Or is he saying it's not ideal?

If it's the latter why is it not suitable at his dads? What does that mean in reality?

Just keep saying 'of course you can have him overnight, just as soon as you have somewhere suitable for him to stay. In the meantime you need to maintain a meaningful relationship with him so let's do x, y, z contact'.

Do it by text or email so you have a record.

If it went to court it's likely he would get eow and possibly 1 evening midweek. So humour him for now.

And although your ds is only 11 months unless he is still relying on breastmilk as a significant part of his diet a court will probably award the eow even now. They awarded it to my ex even though he was in a house share with some bloke he had only known a few months via work. I and cafcas said it would only happen if there was a CRB check (as it was then) done on the housemate. Housemate refused. So ex moved in with some mutual friends who had a little boy and I was happy with that. Well not happy but I could accept it. Dd was abput 18 months old by this point.

Unless your ds is at risk from his father he will get the overnights. You are better starting them sooner rather than layer imo. At 11 months old he will be unsettled. But at 2 or 3 he will probably find it more traumatic.

His dad's disabled and doesn't really care for the home.

DS is crawling and climbing up things and the house is FULL of clutter, he has a very badly malting golden retriever and the hair is literally STUCK on the flooring and furniture and exs brother is just dirty - like mouldy cups and dirty plates lying around ...

ideally not a place I want my son crawling around and unfortunately you can't spend all day holding him, as I'm sure you all know it's very frustrating for a child who wants to explore.

I definitely think that's enough reason to say no to him staying there full stop.

Like I said, once he's in a more suitable environment it's something I will most certainly agree to for DS's sake

What is wrong per se about his dad's place? Is it just not and ideal set up or is it hazardous in any way. My youngest was 6 months old when my ex left. She would have the kids at her dad house (and still does). It was not idea in terms of not being the own bedrooms and some of it a bit bit of a construction site etc but perfectly safe and no worries about welfare. It is important to me that my ex spends quality bonding time on the occasions she has them.

Beat me to it

Above

Could your ex sort a couple of rooms out to be child friendly?

Ok, if he will be living there, could he clean it and maintain it to a suitable standard? You can check.

Is there any way, and I mean this gently, you could be exaggerating the dirt because you don't want him to stay there and know it will take a good while for him to save up?

My ex's parents house is still half under construction (a long term self build project). But my ex's dad ensured that there a some rooms in the house maintained safe, clean and warm for the kids to live and play when she has them. Stair gates are used to keep the kids out of the rest of the house under construction.

No definitely not exaggerating, ex agreed until this all ended.

Like even up til now we would actively avoid going there to let DS loose, we would always make plans to go to the soft play area up the road rather than be at the house once DS got to an age where he wanted to be on the move.

He is moving to his friends soon, who lives with his wife, and 2 DC...

I have agreed that once there (as long as I am sure it's safe) then he would be able to look at making arrangements to have him.

I know this man, his wife and his children and they are lovely people too, so I have no problems and in fact I know DS would love it, as he's very sociable.

I have just said RIGHT NOW it is not suitable and that a week after him leaving that I am struggling with the idea so I'm just not ready for the chat right now but I have made it very clear to him that DS will be staying with him as I do feel it's important for their relationship.

I think you sound reasonable enough

By the sound of things I think everyone concerned needs to settle into their own routines - it's been a roller-coaster ride thus far - schedules can be revisited when the time is right.

One step at a time, eh...