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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a 6yo might be able to put her pjs or uniform on?

45 replies

cordeliavorkosigan · 12/09/2017 22:20

My 6yo dd, who has been physically capable of dressing herself since reception, suddenly seems unable to do this very simple task. It's driving me crazy. Every morning before school, every bed time: I have to go and physically put every item of clothing on her or she faffs endlessly or whines that she knows how to put them on but it's boring .. (before anyone asks she has no SEN, at least that I know of, though I have wondered about anxiety, perhaps that's an issue?) we have no major changes (except school starting); no new baby etc. Apparently she's fine at school. Why? just: why?
some need for reassurance?
do I just dress her (hard, as there are a zillion things to do!)? go back to toddler mode and do sticker charts?
argh!

OP posts:

paxillin · 13/09/2017 09:18

Make clear all faffing time over "boring" tasks comes out of playtime. Don't just adjust bedtime, tell her it is earlier now because she faffs. If she is quick, bedtime is later and she can play longer. Same in the mornings, wake her early and tell her why. Let the 9yo sleep a litle longer because she does get ready.

Couple of mornings and nights of screaming tantrums about the injustice, then she knows you won't give in and she does have to get ready. An offer to ask the teacher for advice on the dressing can work wonders, too.

Cath2907 · 13/09/2017 09:50

I too deal with this by cuddling. I find it works well for many things. A tickle monster or a big cuddle. It stops me feeling grumpy and distracts her and often after a 2 min squeeze and bit of a chat about something else ans she goes on to do as I want. I will also pick her up and cradle her like a baby and do coochy coo noises. She thinks this is hilarious and laughs and fights to get away telling me she is not a baby. If I then say "well put your socks on then" she will normally do it. Arguing, shouting, punishing, reward charts, threats have all been tried but nothing resolves the issue like a cuddle. She is just feeling mardy (like I do at 7:30am when I have to get dressed) but she is 6 and I am 40, I can control my mardy but she need a bit of help adjusting her mood. We can fight and I can push her mood into angry or sad or we can cuddle and I push it to silly and happy.

Aeviternity · 13/09/2017 09:55

My 3 year old dresses herself.

Ignore it and she'll stop. Remind her she'll be dumped in her classroom in her pyjamas if she doesn't get a move on.

Allthewaves · 13/09/2017 09:58

We have tick chart so they tuck when they get dressed, brush teeth, get lunch bag. Similar evening chores and it earns ipad time. My dc can get lost going to the bathroom

VinIsGroot · 13/09/2017 10:01

Pick her up and carry her???? Nope ...she's 6!
I haven't dress d my 6 year old DD for about 4 years. Why would I when she's perfectly capable of doing it herself. Walk away and ignore the screaming. Show that she's not getting attention for sulky and silly behaviours!
If she's not ready .... Off you go to school with the eldest ... She'll soon get dressed !!! Give her a visual timer !!!
Don't stand for tantrums from a 6 year old ...they are for 2 and under. Talk to her on her level !
Jeeezzzzz

steppemum · 13/09/2017 10:05

cath - that is exactly my dd. brilliant post.

I often find we recommend (I do it too) lots of things liek be firm, sticker charts, she is old enough etc, but for dd, the cuddles was what she needed.

I agree it is about switching the mood, but also, my dd in particular at times need reassurance. She can't verbalise it, but I have learnt that temper/stroppiness is often a cover for anxiety

MiaowTheCat · 13/09/2017 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hooochycoo · 13/09/2017 10:50

I recommend a really rigid routine, with something she likes being reliant on her being dressed. For instance we have
6-7 - Play in room (if up before 7)
7-730 breakfast in PJS
730-8 am getting dressed, organising school bags.
and only when dressed and bags ready to go
8-820 TV ( giving me time to get ready too)
820-830 teeth, shoes, coats, go!

RedSkyAtNight · 13/09/2017 10:54

I'd personally not engage with her at all.
Tell her she needs to get ready for bed/school.
Give her reasonable time to do it.
Put her to bed/take her to school in whatever she happens to be wearing. Do not mention that she is not wearing appropriate clothing.
It sounds like very attention seeking behaviour, and withdrawing attention will cause it to stop.

FlatterNow · 13/09/2017 10:56

Can I ask a question for those who have taken kids to school in pyjamas? I think it's a sensible idea but how did you manage it without basically dragging the kids all the way? DS would just refuse to leave and nothing short of carrying him kicking and screaming would do it.

RedSkyAtNight · 13/09/2017 11:02

you carry them kicking and screaming to school.
Same as you do if they refuse to go to school for some other reason.

We did try to coincide leaving with a neighbour or arrange to go with a friend, as this was likely to inhibit the kicking/screaming.

shhhfastasleep · 13/09/2017 11:05

We do a race as to who can dressed first. Mine is an only so it is a race against me .

paxillin · 13/09/2017 11:06

You only have to believably act the part, FlatterNow. Strap them in the car seat or drag them out of the door with 90 seconds to go. Then pause, offer them they csn get dressed in the car/ quickly throw clothes on in the hall/ pop inside and do it. If not done in 90 seconds, they will indeed be dragged to school wearing spongebob. 60 seconds and they will be dressed and thry know they need to get dressed tantrum-free tomorrow.

I remember kicking up a fuss over getting dressed when little and all the unhappy mornings. A relief when my mum cracked down on it, it stopped me spiralling into misery and the mornings were happier. I have no idea why I couldn't make that decision myself, but it did take my mum making clear the nonsense is over.

Allthebestnamesareused · 13/09/2017 11:13

Actually I think Mancliffe is getting a rough deal here.

I think he meant to say HIS wife lets their children get away with behaving like this whereas he calmly just sends them to bed earlier or gets them up earlier and they still have to for it themselves however long it takes. If they go past their bedtime by 5 minutes they go up 5 minutes earlier the next time and so on. This seems like a sensible solution.

He is getting flamed for saying "wife" rather My wife. Many paragraphs on here start with DH does so and so rather than My DH (which is just the same if you think about it).

His solution is a sensible one as is taking them in their pjs one day (which is actually potentially publicly humiliating them but I suspect it would make them think twice about not getting dressed again!)

Threenme · 13/09/2017 12:37

I think it was more when he started swearing at ppl. He original post did sound superior.

Notcool1984 · 13/09/2017 22:28

How about a reward chart? I did this when my six year old was being a moany pain about dressing himself. A week of pjs and school uniform = Beano mag. Although I probably could have just put my foot down and refused to entertain it but meh I pick my battles and after two weeks he just started doing it again!

ButtonLoon · 13/09/2017 22:37

I think my DD would love to go to school in pyjamas. Not sure that tactic would work on her.

Original poster

cordeliavorkosigan · 16/09/2017 11:35

steppemum - how did you learn what was a cover for anxiety and what wasn't, if you see what i mean?
responses are falling into two groups: 1: don't tolerate / send to school kicking/screaming/ in pjs/ reward charts / basically any behaviour management vs 2: change the mood/ tickle monster/cuddles/ reassurance.

I don't want to reward "bad behaviour" if what it is is controlling and taking the piss (in more than just the dressing but with other things too), but I definitely don't want to shift her into these huge bouts of screaming rage and anger and sadness if what she really needs is reassurance and a cuddle. How do I tell which it is?

OP posts:

steppemum · 18/09/2017 14:38

sorry op I haven't been on-line all weekend.

dd2 is youngest of 3, with dc1 and 2 no. 1 worked, but with dd2, I realise quite often that just doesn't work, and it just escalates.

so then I looked for other solutions and discovered no. 2

so trial and error really!

drspouse · 18/09/2017 15:05

My 3yo can't quite do it on her own but my 5yo would get me to help if he could get away with it. But he does quite like to be able to do things she can't which helps a bit.

However breakfast only gets to happen if he's got trousers, top, pants and socks on and then any screen time only if he also has shoes and jumper on.
It's neither of your 1. or 2. responses. It is The Rules. Go over the rules at a calm time, not getting dressed time. Go over them again. This is What We Do In The Morning. Rather like, at school, What We Do is line up/sit on the carpet etc.

I have, calmly, threatened to walk to school with him in socks on more than one occasion. No kicking or screaming (he reserves that for other things) but once he sees me walking out the door and I reach for his hand to guide him (not pull/shove) he gets his shoes.

He is in many ways a hard to manage child but this has become ingrained. Also lots of praise for doing each step (look up Calmer Easier Happier Parenting, and Descriptive Praise and also Preparing for Success which are two of its ideas).

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