WWYD? Would you report? **TRIGGER WARNING - CONTAINS MENTION OF SEXUAL ABUSE** title edited by MNHQ

[earlyrisingmum]

So this is quite a tough one, WWYD if you were in my position?

So this is to do with historic abuse by my cousin. This happened quite a while ago when we were younger, he is 3 years older and would he would of been 12ish and me 9ish.

I havent told anyone in RL and spoke to a charity to get help and discuss it. I don't think this has impacted me severely as it has other people but I'm beginning to think its damaged my trust of people and low self esteem/confidence.

If i reported him then i think there would be alot of outrage in my family and they could potentially not talk to me. Should i let it lie as we were both young and he wasn't 16 or over and it was a long time ago.

I've always thought he was creepy even when we have grown up. Luckily i never see him now. Do you think this was a pre teen thing and he wouldnt do anything to anyone else? I'm just a bit confused what to do.

How can you be sure he wouldn't do it again?

What kind of abuse was this, I'm assuming sexual but you haven't said. I think it would depend on the severity and would suspect this is something that would manifest itself in the future.

So I suppose what is it you are thinking of doing?

Sexual predators do not change. They only grow more dangerous and devious over time.

I think you could take advice from the nspcc for this - it's horrible what's happened to you.

Something to consider is that he may have been abused too before he was 12 and there may have been something horrible going on in your family.

It's not helpful for other posters to describe any 12 year old as a sexual predator, it's a child.

More info is needed here. Did he sexually abuse you? Verbally? Physically? Was it violent abuse? Do you know if he abused anyone else before/after he abused you? Did anyone know about the abuse? (family members, friends, school staff, etc) Are you wanting to report him to the police? Press charges? Go to court? If you are not speaking to him now, do you know anyone (another family member) who is still speaking to him? Is he potentially still abusive? (to his spouse/kids/anyone else?)

From my experience working in a related field, abusers do not change. The type of abuse may change over time (abuse of animals then abuse of people, verbal to sexual to physical abuse, etc), abusive behaviour often increases over time and there are typically other 'issues' surrounding the abuser (drugs, violence, criminal activity, etc.).

This is a delicate situation and I am not asking you to post your full story here, but this is obviously weighing on your mind and I would advise you to seek help. If nothing else, for your own peace of mind. Here are some sites for you to consider:
www.victimsupport.org.uk
www.nspcc.org.uk (non-recent abuse)
www.rapecentre.org.uk
www.supportline.org.uk
There are also solicitors who deal specifically with historical abuse cases. You could speak to one of them for confidential advice if you prefer.

ttbb im not sure thats why im asking WWYD? He has a son and daughter and i'd hate to think he would do something to them.

Hula yes sexual. He used to trap me in his room and lock the door. I don't think it happened over a long period. Cant really remember because i then used to shout for him to let me out.

thanks laurie i know my case is no where near as bad as some others. I feel more anger towards him then towards myself. Maybe, my uncle is a functioning alcoholic and i know he's emotionally abused my auntie and stuff like that. Could be linked maybe. My other cousin (his brother) is a lovely person but a bit messed up eg. drugs/partying/doesnt see his daughter anymore. It is but i guess as a pre teen you know right from wrong.

Would he in fact get punished? Because if it happened before 1990 the crimal age if responsabilty was higher (was lowered for the budger case) and i dont if they can judge him criminally responsabily retrospectively

I have never been sexually abused, so I can't possibly try to put myself in your position. This is such a delicate, complex quandary you're in. I am very sorry for the abuse you've suffered, and I do hope you reach out for help if you need it.

Hi there earlyrisingmum I have a similar situation in my family. If you want someone to chat to feel free to PM me

hooray I have no clue if he has abused anyone else. I don't think anyone else knew but i have a feeling i told my mum some of it but not the full extent eg. he locks me in and not the sexual abuse. I know i asked my other cousin if he trapped him in the room and he said no.
I'm not entirely sure because it would be my word against his and i also have holes in my memory. I think its been easier for me pretending to everyone it didnt happen rather than acknowledging it.
My auntie who i see time to time does, but she doesnt speak about him and i never ask about him. Always about her other son but not him.
They dont change ever from childhood? Thank you ive contacted VS and awaiting a call back.

worrid it was after 1990

Thanks aqua

Thanks newname

OP don't worry about holes in your memory. That is completely normal for this type of situation. A trained counsellor can help you work through this and you have a number of options in terms of the type of support you can get. (You can either discuss in detail what happened, or just how you feel now and how you move forward or what your options are in terms of reporting your cousin, etc.) You have a choice over how you want to proceed and if you find that you're not happy with the support from VS then try another option. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right support for you. Don't give up because help is out there!
I'm really glad to hear you have made contact with a support group. Dealing with a past situation like this is not easy and you may not yet realise the full impact it's had on your life.
Seeking help today is the right way forward and I wish you all the best!!

hooray thank you for your kind words. I used to think I had holes in my memory because it was so long ago. Now I realise like you said this can be common. Hopefully I find someone I feel comfortable with to discuss this as I havent done in the past. Today i almost felt strong enough to tell my mum but I might give that more time.

Chocolatteandbiscuits you might have to try a few options before you find what works best for you, but don't stop looking! There are lots of options out there. If you're not ready to actually see someone yet, maybe keep a journal for now to write down your feelings or your thoughts from day to day. Getting that kind of information 'out of you' can be therapeutic in itself, but it stays private until you're ready to discuss it. Do what works best for you.
In my opinion, I would wait on telling someone (like family members) until you feel completely comfortable and confident in speaking about your experience. You never know what their response will be (shock, anger, sadness, etc) and they may ask you questions that you're just not ready to answer yet. And once the information is out there, it's out there and you can't control it.
When you find the right support place for you, ask them to work with you about how to tell others. An experienced person can guide and prepare you for these types of conversations and how to address these issues in future (for example: if you meet a potential partner in future or you decide to tell your children some day or if you happen to run into your attacker at some point). Make sure you're fully prepared for these conversations because a bad experience can set you back further than you may realise. You can even ask your support person to be with you when you tell loved ones if you think you may need the extra support.
Any of the above links can help you or even just point you in the right direction. Please just don't feel alone. Help is out there! Best of luck in your search!

This must be very difficult for you. It is interesting that your aunt doesn't discuss him with you. Is that to do with their relationship or do you feel she may be partly aware?
You sound reasonably close to her so get yourself the support to prepare fully before you decide (if you decide) to talk about this with your family.
I hope you find some peace in dealing with those times.

Thats great advice hooray thank you!

subtle its me who doesnt mention him to her. I dont know if shes picked up on it. I used to adore my aunt but now i kind of feel a dislike towards me. It's hard to explain. Hmm im not sure if she is aware.

Oh and name change fail!