Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Good friend is stroppy that I've asked for my things back, WWYD? Any advice?

27 replies

DelapidatedScrotum · 12/09/2017 19:09

Not really AIBU, more of a WWYD.

One of my best friends, who is a brilliant guy, is crap at giving things back after lending them to him.

Back in February he asked if he could borrow thing A for a couple of weeks, I duly lent it, it's now September and no mention of it coming back. Thing A is not valuable but that's besides the point. He has a history of doing this. I've asked for thing A back and he is moaning that I have thing B of his and generally being a bit stroppy.

The difference is I didn't borrow thing B from him, I didn't ask for it but it is here. He asked me to repair thing B for him (thing B is far more expensive than thing A) and I did repair it and told him it was ready a YEAR ago. He came by to collect thing B (we don't live far apart) and decided he wanted to leave thing B here until I'd "tested" it further. Thing B is fully repaired and ready to go, as it has been for a very long time and he is aware of this.

He's always been a nightmare to get things back from (he has a history of doing this but I don't think it's deliberate, it just doesn't seem to register that he should really return stuff and I shouldn't have to chase him)

Any advice on the best way to handle this? I don't want to cause a rift, he's probably my oldest (as in longest time) mate but he's utterly shit at giving things back.

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 12/09/2017 19:11

Don't you ever go to his house when you see him?

Can you text him just before one of your meetings to remind him?

thereallochnessmonster · 12/09/2017 19:12

Don't lend him things in future!!

Can you sit down and tell him how much his trait annoys you?

MistressDeeCee · 12/09/2017 19:14

Insist on your things back and don't even get into overthinking it. His annoyance = he's a pisstaker if not a thief when it comes down to it. Entitled mean people like him get away with their bullshit because people talk about what they do, but don't confront and get their stuff back. Id face him down immediately.. Bloody cheek. Any future borrowing requests would be met with NO, and if that means end of friendship so be it. Not that you should mind end of friendship with a user surely, OP?

newmammyof2 · 12/09/2017 19:23

Can you tell him you specifically need thing A for something and that's why you're asking for it back? Then don't lend him anything again? I do know a few like this and I hate having to ask for things back so I usually use the excuse that I need It, rather than just asking for it back x

viques · 12/09/2017 19:23

If you don't live too far from each other can't you take Thing B over and collect Thing A.

Failing that contact Dr Seuss and ask him for advice.........

abbsisspartacus · 12/09/2017 19:24

Take thing b to his house

WoodenCat · 12/09/2017 19:24

Take thing B back round to his house and say "while I'm here I'll take my thing A back with me".

Original poster
DelapidatedScrotum · 12/09/2017 19:30

Ok the problem is (just so I don't get accused of dripfeeding) mostly when he asks to borrow something it's not really for him, it's usually for his fathers farm. I know his father well and I don't mind that he asks on his fathers behalf because I know that's where thing A-Z will be getting used anyway, that part isn't the problem.

What does present a problem is he doesn't live at his fathers farm so the things (there's more than just thing A) aren't at his house so popping down to see him wouldn't really work.

He has some stuff of mine but nothing more substantial than DVD's and other not worth bothering about things, but although thing A isn't valuable I could really do with it back, but it'll be at his dad's.

Yes of course I could go over to the farm and ask for thing A back but then that'll get back to him and probably make it worse. I'm not backwards in coming forwards but I've known this guy for so long I don't want to cause aforementioned rift.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/09/2017 19:33

Give him thing B, but not before you have thing A in your hot sweaty little hand....

Ellie56 · 12/09/2017 19:42

Just keep ringing him up and telling him you need thing A back and if he doesn't come up with it, by such and such a date you will ring his dad up to get it back.

And don't lend him anything again. If his dad wants to borrow something he will have to ask you.

MrLovebucket · 12/09/2017 19:42

Seriously - drop thing B off at his house, forget about getting thing A back from him and then never lend him anything ever again. Job done.

Maelstrop · 12/09/2017 19:56

Take B to his dad's, get back A. Piss easy. Tell him to shut the fuck up about not having B.

MatildaTheCat · 12/09/2017 19:56

He sounds more lazy and careless than conniving. Text or message him saying you really need A by X date and can he please drop it off and while he's at it can he collect B as its getting under your feet.

If he doesn't reply resend it. And again.

And obviously stop lending him things, he doesn't understand the concept of the word.

Original poster
DelapidatedScrotum · 12/09/2017 20:02

@matildathecat

I agree with you there, I think you summed it up pretty well.

I won't be lending him anything again, hopefully I can get thing A back but never mind if I can't. Thing A is only worth about £15 quid but it's something that comes in very handy at this time of year.

OP posts:
DoloresYMilagros · 12/09/2017 20:10

This is what you call a "brilliant guy"??

Go to his dad's and get it back. If there is a rift, you need to be clear that HE - your "friend" caused it, not you.

Or - keep on getting walked all over by someone who is not nearly as brilliant as you think he is.

If he values your friendship so little, respects you so little that he treats you like this despite your continued generosity with your possessions, time and skills, then he really isn't any great loss, however long you've known him.

I can't get past him trying to make out that you having Thing B has any kind of equivalence to him not returning Thing A, given the reasons for which you have it. That's a deliberate distortion of the facts of the matter which, along with the continual refusal to return things he's borrowed (he KNOWS this is not on, whatever excuses you make for him) raises huge red flags for me about him as a person.

Either way, never lend him anything ever again unless you don't actually ever want to see it again.

HeebieJeebies456 · 12/09/2017 20:35

More fool YOU for believing that a grown man just doesn't seem to register that he should really return stuff
Does he do this at work?
How do you think he would feel if YOU did the same to HIM?

In my experience with friends, people who behave like this have NO RESPECT for you, your things or your feelings.
They grew up with some sense of entitlement - they don't like lending their own stuff, but see nothing wrong in keeping yours.
You soon realise that they're only your friend because it's convenient and of use for them.
The minute you stop them taking the piss they disappear.
They are USERS - not FRIENDS.
Try doing the same to him if you want to see his real colours.

He KNOWS what he's doing, that's what leaving item B with you was all about.....and predictably, he's trotted out with moaning that I have thing B of his and generally being a bit stroppy
Did you even have enough self respect to remind him that he chose to leave said item?
Or that he's always doing this to you and you've had enough?

His dad is probably under the impression that his darling son bought him a cheap replacement.
So rather than face his dad's disappointment and disgust at him, he'd rather give you shit for wanting it back.

Has he told you you're being 'silly' yet? Or that you're a tight arse/skin flint for wanting 'an old, used' item back when you could easily replace it for cheap brand new?
Or that you just 'don't understand' how 'busy and stressed' he is
Or that you're being 'petty'?

Take your rose tinted specs off - he isn't the kind of guy you think he is.
He's got no respect for you or your things so why you seem to think he's 'fantastic' is just weird.
Did you fancy him at some point?
I don't understand why you allow him to treat you like this and then constantly make excuses for him.

He's not going to value you if you can't value yourself.

ineedmorethanthis · 12/09/2017 21:26

He sounds like a twat. I'm not sure I would think a friend was great if they refused to return my property, expected me to mend theirs and then used me as a storage facility.

Contact his dad, make it casual that you are popping round to pick up A - say stuff like: you know twatmate is so busy you thought you'd arrange it yourself to make it easier for him etc. Then drop off B at the same time to be helpful Wink

And learn to say no or deal with the dad yourself. Seriously, get a backbone and stand up to him civilly. If he ends the friendship he wasn't much of a friend.

Runningpear · 12/09/2017 21:30

This is why I hate lending stuff out, my Dh is forever lending our stuff out and we never get it back or it's been broken just buy your own bloody thing

KurriKurri · 12/09/2017 21:40

Just go to his Dad's and say 'Useless Friend borrowed thing A off me a while back, and I need it- is it here ? thanks'

Drop Thing B off at his Dad's while you are there - say you haven't got room for it any more.

Is it a tool? I hate it when people bugger off with tools and don't give them back.

And don't write it off - why should you have to buy a new one just because he's arsy about giving it back - if he won't give it back, then he's stolen it. If you always take the easy 'no conflict' route, he'll keep on taking the piss because he knows he can get away with it.

EggysMom · 12/09/2017 21:43

Take thing B back to him. Then he has no leverage or argument when you next ask for thing A (and anything else) to be returned.

(Love the poster who said this thread reads like Dr Seuss ...)

Original poster
DelapidatedScrotum · 12/09/2017 22:00

Ok ok I suppose I've been too lenient. I will endeavour to not allow this to happen again. He's done a lot of things for me though, so it's not entirely a one way street

I have no idea who Dr Seuss is, sorry to other posters who do!

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 12/09/2017 22:59

Trying to guess what Thing A could be - about £15, very handy at this time of year and can be used on a farm in February. What could it be?

Apileofballyhoo · 12/09/2017 23:02

Oh Dr Seuss is a children's author and you are missing out.

timeisnotaline · 13/09/2017 00:41

Go to his dads and get it back. Any rift is solely caused my him- I'd tell him I did him a favour by getting it myself, and I've dropped off b for him! I'd generously overlook his lack of gratitude, And I'd never lend anything again.

Couchpotato3 · 13/09/2017 00:50

Dear Useless Friend,

Please could we sort out thing A and thing B? I don't have room for thing B and I need thing A back. I'd like to sort this out in the next few days so please let me know when we can meet to exchange them. If you're too busy, I can drop thing B at your Dad's and pick up thing A at the same time.

Cheers,

Nevergonnalendyouanotherthing x

Swipe left for the next trending thread