AIBU to want a baby without pregnancy?

[ProfessorCat]

First ever thread, no idea what responses will be!

I have a DD9 with my ex husband who went NC. I'm remarried for 6 years but can't have any more children for medical reasons.

I am desperate for another baby. DH assures me that he doesn't need a biological child of his own and he is DDs father as far as he is concerned. However I feel terrible that I cannot give him a child.

We can't adopt or foster because I have a disability that doesn't allow us to. We've been through it. It was heartbreaking because we both know we can and are able to look after a child. DD is amazing and there had never been any concern.

We can't afford a surrogate. We are low income and although we could afford another child day to day, cannot afford a lump sum or debt.

AIBU? This is a complete no go isn't it?

So what are you thinking? I'm not sure of any other options other than pregnancy, adoption or surregacy?

Also are you sure you can't adopt? They are very accepting and disability friendly these days. If you can care for DD1 then am sure you would at least be assessed, especially with DHs support.
They accept single adopters so can't see why they would accept the 2 of you.

*wouldn't accept that is meant to say on the last line.

Well it's not so much BU as frankly impossible.

It is rather impossible, and whilst I do understand you want another child, to do so for a bloke to have a 'biological child of his own' is just wrong. Sadly, there are too many who go from one relationship to the next, all needing to create 'another biological child of their own' (I'm speaking generally and of both men and women).

I'm genuinely sorry you can't have more children, biological or otherwise. However, you sound like you have a great husband who's a dad in everything but blood to your daughter. Perhaps, in a kind way, find a way of accepting that as enough?

I can understand not being able to foster, because of the nature of caring for children with complex issues. However they advised us not to proceed with adoption because of my illness, because I have debt from my previous marriage and because my ex husband would need to give a character reference. He's a nasty piece of work and would definitely be extremely negative to spite us.

I think it is impossible to be honest. It's very hard not to comment "please give me your baby!" on people's posts on here about how they don't want their children.

My DM says I need to be happy with DD and I am, I truly am. She's the best daughter I could ever hope for. However I have this underlying guilt for DH and the fact that she'll be an only child, which I was and I was lonely.

Thanks Edmund, I agree. It is wrong and is totally my issue. DH has never said he has a biological need for a child and is perfectly happy and accepting. Maybe I need some support in not feeling guilty and achieving acceptance.

I think you could explore adoption through another agency. The debt will get paid off and I'm sure they're used to ex-spouses not being kind. Which leaves your illness and it really depends what that is, but some agencies may not see it as so much of an issue. But most children in need of adoption aren't babies. You may just need to find a way to make your peace with this, which is hard.

The disability should not be a problem to an adoption if on a day to day basis you are able to care for your child. The debt might be a problem if it is significant and has an impact on daily life, but still worth looking into.

As for your ex not giving a character reference or writing a bad one, there are ways around this. A lot of LAs will ask for an alternative reference from someone who knew you throughout the time of your marriage - trust me, you will not be the first person whose ex refuses a reference or writes a nasty one! It really might be worth going to an information evening and talking to a social worker.

Thank you - I'd be completely open to an older child.

When you say other agencies, what do you mean? I thought it was all done through the local authority?

Agree with the last poster that you should explore adoption further with a different agency. A spiteful reference from your ex-husband is a red herring, for a start adoption agencies are entirely accustomed to negotiating this kind of ticklish situation, and bad relations between former spouses aren't exactly rare and, assuming the debt isn't some enormous sum, you can work on paying it off, and showing how you are managing the repayment process, a timeline etc.

The disability is obviously another matter entirely, and one about which I know very little, but the Mn adoption board is very knowledgeable.

X-post, sorry. No, you will have a choice of different local authority or voluntary agencies -- if I put my postcode into this on the Adoption UK website, it gives me three options nearby.

www.adoptionuk.org/about-adoption/find-agency-near-you

Have you asked your DD if she wants a sibling? She may not. She may not be lonely if she has a good circle of friends and goes for sleep overs.

The only one near me is the council :(

DD is actually pretty happy. She doesn't have a huge circle of friends but she enjoys her own and company and that of adults.

I'm probably being selfish because of my own guilt.

Have you checked out Surrogacy UK website?