Not wanting to take ds on school visits.

[Aspieparent]

I have a ds with an and 2 year development delay. He's 4 in October and due to start school September 2018. He's currently awaiting an assessment for a echo and currently has ALS support and funding from L.A.
I have spoken to some mainstream schools about visiting to have a look round and see if they can meet his needs. Some don't seem happy that I won't be taking him with me. My reasons are changing is upsetting for him and he's just settling in pre school at the moment. I don't want to confuse him introducing him to lots of different schools. I really only want to introduce him to the school he will go to. Also there is a chance he will go to a special provision school.
Do you think am right? Or should I take him?

Sn not an

Also echp not echo. Whoops

I used to work in schools. Mostly people did bring kids but it's fine not to and some didn't. Especially those where the meeting was in the evening and those headteacher speeches can droll on.

Don't take him. How can you ask the questions you want to ask, and listen to the long boring answers if you have a four year old (any four year old) bouncing around the place?

I didn't take my dd to any primary school visits as choosing a school was my decision not hers. I didn't want her to 'choose' a school because they had a slide or wore a red jumper. Also, there isn't much actual choice! A pre-school child should not be worrying of thinking about whether they may or may not get a school place.

YANBU, but...
If you are asking for a 'special' visit, you can see why the school would like to meet ds to see ifnthey felt they could meet his needs too... could you dress it up as just a day out with mummy, because mummy needs to visit these people so he just feels it is another grown up thing and doesn't concern him- he just gets to draw or play while you chat. This gives school a sense of him and you take him for a proper intro tour when it is decided.

When you have narrowed it down to a few it may be worth taking him to visit just to get an idea how he responds/staff respond to him.

At this point though I would go and get a feel for them without him

I think narrowing down choices without your son is a good idea. You can always revisit good options. It is more work for those schools, but they perhaps need to be sensitive to his additional needs. Piling the pressure on doesn't sell them well!

I think this is giving you very valuable information. The schools that have an inflexible and non-understanding about you coming without your DS may have a similar attitude towards him if he goes there - i.e. not willing to make the accommodations required for him as an individual.

It may help you cross schools off your list.

I didn't take my son when looking at schools. I wanted to be focused on the questions I would ask and the feel I got for the school. (My son has ASD)

Once I picked the school we arranged visits my son as a transition process. He also when with his nursery worker in a few occasions without me.

My the time September came he was happy to go!! Hope this helps x

Mrswooster I understand what your saying but I think it's way to much for him and he won't handle it.

Strangeansunusual that's the way I was thinking but was thinking maybe am being to harsh. One of the schools had the attitude of being him we have lots of different sn we know what we are doing but to me that doesn't give off the right vibe.

When you say unhappy what did they say exactly? Or is it a perception?

No, strangeandunusual is right. These are the subtle things you need to be looking at when visiting a school.
Yes look at the facilities and how they use them. All schools have to teach certain things in a certain way, thanks to the national curriculum and ofsted. You have to look at the subtle interactions between staff and you, the staff to each other, staff to pupils, school to parents. What is the atmosphere of the school etc.

I have no personal experience of SEN, but these things are even more important if you are dealing with that as well.

Oh your not bringing d's why not? Head teacher wants children to visit. We do an hour stay and play sessions with d's to see if they like the class and will play with other kids. So I explained why i didn't want to take him and they said head teacher won't like it but if that's what you want.

It's completely your choice. However, when I was taking DD1 around (also with SN, and eventually went to a SS in the end), there was a school I was certain she was going to go to, and I was really only viewing the others to say that I had looked at all the schools. My friends all sent their children to that school, and had spoken of how warm and friendly the staff were, and how lovely it was.

-I got to the school and was kept waiting for over 20 minutes in the foyer. DD1 did not do waiting, and was climbing the walls after 5 minutes.
-They had decided to schedule my visit with another set of parents, despite knowing that DD1 had SN, without telling me in advance.
-When the HT came, he deferentially shook the hand of the other little girl, introduced himself and said 'we're trying to see if we can show you we're the right school for you, today'. He turned to us and said 'Hi DD1', then said 'Right, let's go.'
-DD1 wanted to play with a doll's house part way round the tour and got upset. The HT said 'oh leave her there and we'll come back for her'. I said 'she needs constant supervision! I'll catch you up.' He had been fully appraised of her needs by me before the tour by telephone.
-He waxed lyrical about his plans to upgrade the look of the school and how keen he was to encourage students to pick their coats up off the floor, then gave a dismissive wave as we passed a room, saying 'this is our SEN room.'
-He met with me after the tour and said that it would be my responsibility to get the best statement I possibly could for DD1, or they wouldn't be able to afford to help her.
My intended school was definitely out of the running.

I took her to my least favourite option.
-The deputy head was waiting for her at the door. She bent down on her knees and greeted DD1.
-She changed the tour route when DD1 wanted to go right and she was going to take us left.
-She arranged for someone to look after DD1 when she saw some colouring pencils in a classroom, so that I could continue looking around the school and leave DD1 in safety.
-As we looked around, she highlighted changes in security that would be needed to keep DD1 safe, and how she would achieve it.
-She made it clear that DD1 was wanted and would be valued.
-When I asked about the statement, she said that whatever was achieved would help, but at the end of the day, statement or not, they would give DD1 whatever help she needed.
That was the school DD1 would go to if MS was right for her.

As it happens, the LA felt SS would be best, much to our surprise, and we didn't have to fight for provision. But we would never have found out that information about the attitude of the schools without taking DD1 with us.

'We do an hour stay and play sessions with d's to see if they like the class and will play with other kids'

Unless it's a private school where they are assessing them that isn't necessary. They don't get to chose not to take a child if he/she doesn't settle or play with others. There are settling in visits for this when they know it's their school.

Many non SN four year olds would find being left with strangers in a strange room for an hour with no notice difficult and not behave in their usual way. Unsettling them like this for schools you don't know will even be theirs is not necessary.

Go look at schools find a couple you really really want to consider and maybe take dc to look just at those ones.

Think I am going to look myself then short list and take d's to the short list. I really want to minimise the stress for him. He's been at nursery a year and only just settled properly now. He has changes rooms this September to kinder garden but he's doing ok.

If the schools aren't prepared to support you doing the visits how you know will best meet your child's needs before he is even placed there then you can take it as read that they won't value your knowledge and experience of your child when he is placed there and life will be a battle.
Consider this your warning.
Dd's primary (which turned out to be the most supportive school I could hope for) handled visits like this. I phoned to ask if I could arrange to view as I had a child with ASD and a statement of SEN. Put through to HT who said to come whenever without prior arrangement as he'd want me to see the school as it was at any given time.
First visit, showed round and then met with HT to discuss dd's needs and show him the statement. Second visit took dd to look round, met class teachers and potential TA support. At end of visit HT offered a week of no obligation lengthening visits for dd where he would fund the support and we would then meet again to discuss whether dd and school was a good fit.

Sounds like a good choice, OP - you narrow it down to a short list and then take DS to those - though I think it's up to you whether you take him to those or not. I do agree that seeing how the HT interacts with the child is quite enlightening. We picked the school where the HT was lovely with our (non-SEN) DC, and have been very happy with it. The HT definitely sets the tone.