Brother to stay during IVF treatment?

[ohbigdaddio]

Posting here for traffic.

I'm due to start IVF in the next couple of weeks and I don't know what to expect in terms of how well I will be feeling mentally and physically as this is my first ever cycle. It's taken a long time to get here and I am glad DH and I are finally taking steps to do something about our infertility!

Anyway, the issue I have is that my DB has asked if he can come to stay for 5 nights as he starts a job in my town but his accommodation won't be available for a few days. I've checked my diary and it will coincide with the second week of my IVF treatment. Depending on when my cycle starts, I may even have my egg collection when he is here.

He doesn't know about the IVF and I don't want to tell him. He's my youngest DB (quite a big age gap), we are not especially close though we get on well. I'm not planning to tell my family as I live in a different town and don't need the added pressure of people knowing.

He has said that if it's not convenient then he can get an AirBnb with his friend (who is also starting at the same company at the same time). I guess this sounds straight forward and I should just explain it's not a good time but I have no idea what excuse to give him about why he can't stay with me and DH. He has stayed here before and I think my Dad will also be a bit surprised if we say no. (I mention my dad as my DB is the baby of the family and my Dad is very interested in what he's doing and will be asking why he's not staying with me!) I know I could let DB stay but am worried it will be hard to hide doing the injections and the emotional stress of it all.

Any ideas? What would you do and what could I say to DB?

Honestly tell him you're having the house done or you're going away that week. You don't need the extra stress

Yes, say 'Yes Bro - Air BNB would be better for you as we have tons on at the moment.'

Depends on what sort of treatment you are having? The whole thing lasted over a month with me: treatment to shut everything down, period, treatment to boost egg production, egg collection, embryo transfer.

But really, just offer to have him for dinner one night?

I'm on a short protocol JsOtherHalf So I'll start down regs on day 2 of cycle and egg collection will likely be day 13/14. I'm worried about making a firm arrangement and then not feeling up to it (physically or mentally)

Are you doing short or long protocol IVF? I did long and the first 2 weeks are down regging injections so it's unlikely you would have egg collection in that time. When I did it I personally found the injections fine, took me a couple of minutes each evening after work so easy to do in private. I also found the whole process ok and wasn't overly affected by the hormones. Having said that it's your decision and if you don't feel comfortable then just say its not a good time, you have a lot on at work or are having some work done.
I appreciate it can be very stressful so try not to put too much pressure on yourself and good luck.

How do you think he would react if you told him about the treatment? Could he keep it secret from the rest of the family?

I ask because it might be an opportunity to have another pair of hands to help round the house during those five days if you're struggling. Is he the sort to muck in? It might also bring you both closer. Just a thought. Good luck with the treatment!

Cross posted, I see you are doing short protocol. I think you should say no then, the last thing you want is to have an extra thing to worry about. I was quite stressed about egg collection (fear of the unknown!) but actually it was completely fine.

Say no, you have enough to deal with. Good luck

Thanks all.

Amethyst975 He's (a young) 21 and I'm 38. Our lives are in totally different places and I think if I told him he would feel very awkward and would have no idea what to say! I think I could trust him but the issue is I don't really want to tell him, not in a nasty way, just that he isn't the first relative I would confide in. We don't really have that sort of relationship.

Fair enough, sounds like it might be a good idea to come up with an excuse then!

Don't make up a lie- just tell him that you have some personal medical issues which would make having visitors very difficult at the moment.

"Hey Bro, normally I would love to have you to stay but I'm actually having a medical procedure that week and I don't think I'm going to be up to guests. Nothing to worry about but I haven't told mum etc so if you could keep it to yourself I'd appreciate it. Hopefully we can have you over for a meal if I'm feeling ok. Xx"

When I had IVF (only the one cycle, long protocol) I was fine throughout and managed to keep doing 'normal' things throughout, but I was on a low dose because I have PCOS and was higher risk for OSS.

I would say it's completely down to you - if you feel you would be more stressed with him there, then do suggest he goes to an air bnb. Maybe say you're having a rough time at work, or something and you're not meaning to be rude, but you don't feel like you'll be very good hosts.

One practical thing - If you're doing the jabs (gonal-f, is the one I remember the name of) then you may have to keep the drugs in the fridge, so even if you could keep the rest of it discrete, there's still a risk of him opening the fridge door and catching sight of your drugs.

i found when i did ivf ( for egg donation) for the first week i was ok , the 2nd week my tummy exploded in size and stayed bloated and puffed out till long after it was all over, the hormone levels started to make me unpredictable until egg collection and the last super shot i had to take the night b4 collection day really tipped me over the edge, crying one second enraged the next, my friends and the recipient thought it was hilarious crying at having a road rage moment, calling someone a cunt for cutting me off etc ( and i wasn't even the one driving )
everyone reacts differently so its a tough call, go with your instincts

I hope the IVF goes well, OP, I remember what a rollercoaster ride fertility treatment was. (In my case it was unsuccessful and we then ended up adopting our 2 DS.)

It's a very emotional process and your hormones will be all over the place. I therefore wouldn't have your DB to stay. It was an imposition on his part to ask you to put him up for 5 nights, as you're not that close, and you're under no obligation to agree to it.

I think that even thinking about it is starting to stress you out. What if you say yes to him, feel stressed about him being there and then the IVF doesn't work? Will any part of you think 'If I had just not got stressed about DB being here, maybe it might have worked?' (This is how my brian worked after IVF failure.)

I think you need to make IVF your priority and have a calm space at home so that if you're feeling emotional/upset etc that you are able to relax at home with your DH and not have to hide anything.

If you feel bad about your brother, just make up your mind that when you are finished doing IVF - and I hope this is your one and only and have apositive result- that your can explain to him and your Dad afterwards. If they love you, they'll totally understand.
This is your time. It's a tough time and you need to put yourself first for this time, you really do.

I'll have my fingers crossed for you.

If mentioning a medical procedure will bring about more questions, maybe a friend of your dh's is staying that week?

Thanks you lovely mumsnetters for your support.

You are right mineallmine this is stressing me out so I know what I need to do. I love my brother and totally don't mind him wanting to stay, he's only starting out (just graduated) and I'd like to help him but he will be in my city for months so I can invite him over and meet up with him when things have calmed down.

Thanks for the good luck wishes xx

To reassure you I have IVF and felt fine: no mood swings, nothing. Thus said you need to do what you feel comfortable with.

@ohbigdaddio, I think you're making the right choice, I'm sure you can think of a white lie on this occasion. As your DB is going to be around for some months, you can be a support to him once this phase is over.

I know that when I was going through IVF, I couldn't have coped with the stress of having a house guest. Maybe others don't react that way, but I think this is one time when you don't need to feel bad about putting yourself first.

Best of luck.