To want to go home?

[UnforgivenII]

My home town is a very large city. I have a very close family, my parents, sisters etc still live there and see each other regularly. We try to visit a couple of times a month but it's hard.

I moved to another (small) city, about two hours away, for Uni. I met my DH (who is from Uni city) on my course. That was about ten years ago. Now, we are married, we live in a suburb of Uni city, and we have two beautiful children.

This place is lovely for raising children. It's on the coast, the schools are good and it's quiet, low crime rates, quite affluent. We also both have good jobs and are generally pretty settled. DH is really doing well at work and has been promoted a few times. He loves his job. I have gone part time, which I am lucky to be able to do as it's quite hard to get part time hours in my field. Generally, our set up is really good. I see this.

But I am increasingly so, so homesick for my home city and living close to my family. Home city is fab, there is so much to do. But here, not so much.

Property prices in my home city are sky high. It is a lot cheaper here. This is relevant. Also, DD will start school in a couple of years and I'd really prefer not to move her once she's started so we would need to do it very soon if we were going to do it. These are the two big hurdles.

I haven't discussed this in any depth with DH. He has always, always said that if I wanted to move back he would never stand in the way and we could move if I really wanted to. He wasn't against it. We haven't discussed it as an option in years. But then I raised it last week and he said "I'm not saying no, but I'm not sure how we would do it. We couldn't afford a house any bigger than the one we are in just now. Don't you think it's like taking a step backwards?"

I feel disheartened by that. Perhaps he's right. I also feel selfish asking him to give up his job which he loves, and leave his friends and family behind, because I'm feeling lonely.

DHs family are here and they are lovely but we don't get a great deal of help from them in terms of babysitting etc so we don't get out together much. If we lived near my parents, they'd be falling over themselves to take the kids. My mum hates that we live so far away, she misses the kids a lot. I miss having my mum and sisters close by. MIL and SIL are nice enough, but it's not the same.

I mean I like it here well enough, but I'm dissatisfied and sad. I'm also sad that I may never live back home again. But maybe I just need to bury those thoughts and put the family first. I dunno. I'd appreciate some insight.

Sorry this is a bit all over the place I just wanted to get it down.

Could you explain to your husband that even if you pay for for in effect a sideways move housewise the likelihood is that the prices there will rise quicker and then when you do want to eventually downsize you'll end up with a greater pot to allow you to do so and also release a greater amount of equity to top up pension?

Also remind him of his "we can move if you ever want to" promise.

You are not bu to want to go home, but your dh has raised a lot of valid points re downsizing your current house but for more money. Can you maybe go back and visit and stay with your family more? That way they get to babysit the grandkids and you get to go out in your home city? Do you think you might be viewing your home city with slight rose tinted glasses as the nightlife might not be how you remembered it being. What about the friends you had there. Have their lives moved on as well?
If it were me, I would stay where you were as I would love to live near the sea and visit home much more. Best of both worlds.

I would like to increase the visits and we probably will but we have a newborn and it's quite difficult just now. But yeah I think long term that's what we'll do.

I also worry about things like my parents getting older and how I can do my bit from further away. I feel very out of the loop here.

If you want to do this I think you need to do buckets of research and give your DH some practical solutions to what are some understandable concerns. It sounds like your DH wants you to be happy but sees that it would be tricky on a practical level (as do you to be fair).

Knowledge is power in these sorts of situations I think so find out as much as you can. That will probably make things seem more or less do-able and you can take it from there. Good luck.

Ahh, I'm in such a similar situation OP (although our wee one hasn't been born yet). We have a lovely house, good jobs and a great work/life balance - three things we wouldn't be able to have in my home city. But I still miss it so much!

For me, I know that practically I would be less happy in my home city, no matter how much I long for it. The life I lived there was so different and I could never go back to it, not now we have a baby on the way (even with support from my family). So I have managed to see it for what it is - a sort of nostalgic, grass-is-always-greener thing. It's taken a year of properly hard graft, though, and it's still really hard at times - it sounds daft but I honestly find myself sobbing in the shower knowing that I'll not live there for a long time, that my children won't grow up there etc etc.

I don't know if I'll be happy away from it forever, but, like you, I want to stay in one place once my children are at school. So I've set myself timelines. I'll review before my little girl starts school. I'll review again once they go to university. I'll review again when (if) my children have children. Even though these are big gaps, it has really helped me get my head around the fact that I don't have to live in one place forever, this isn't a life-long decision.

But it's hard!

Remember that your life will change a LOT over the next ten years. My DC are 9 and 13 and I look back to their baby years and I think, like a lot of Mothers, I felt very lonely.

Having little children is isolating for a lot of us.

When they go to school, your life changes too...you get more freedom and you can also make new friends.

My life now is nothing like it was when my DC were tiny.

What would the schools be like in the bigger city? If property is expensive then any which are in catchment for decent schools will be even more so.

Could house prices be more affordable slightly outside of the main city? Perhaps it would be more do-able to be, say, 20 mins away from your family? As you're looking a year or so ahead, now's a good opportunity to do some research.
There will be a way to make it work, you might just need to make compromises. Good luck!