Once a financial court order process has been started, is it possible to retract it?

[terriblemistake]

I am the petitioner. Solicitor advised me to go down the court route for money for many good reasons. She did tell him an application was being made in an email. Now that the date for the first hearing has come through, H is silently furious and has gone from generally not speaking to me at all but answering direct questions, to ignoring me and not saying anything if I have to ask him something. I fear for a future amicable co-parenting relationship as he will never forgive me.

He had more than 3 months in which he could have gone the consent order route but he ignored all emails from me and the solicitor. Maybe he didn't understand ? Is it possible to row things back at this stage?

Sounds like you definitely need to be taking him to court.

What happens in the future if he decides to have a tantrum.

Courts are generally fair. And like you saod he didn't engage with the voluntary process.

So he's ignored all the emails requesting an amicable order but now it's being forced on him he doesn't like it?

Diddums. He had his chances to be grown up and make the arrangements but he chose not to. Don't let him bully you any more.

I have overnight become the hated enemy and it is very uncomfortable. First all I wanted was a loving relationship. After struggling for a long time with how difficult H was I gave up. It has been very difficult for me to get to this point and do this. Then I wanted an amicable separation. Now I am forced to go down this route and have become the hated bitch from hell apparently.

Thanks for your messages. I cannot get across the level to which he ostracises me and how deeply painful it is.

He's treating you like this precisely to make you feel uncomfortable and withdraw the petition.
Stick to your guns and don't fall into the trap.

He was ignoring it as a way of control. Now you have issued proceedings it's taken that away from him. You need to do this.

You can't be amicable with someone who doesn't want to be.

You are expecting way too much of him. He didn't live up to your expectations when you were married, you shouldn't really be surprised that he is not living up to your expectations through divorce.

You need to concentrate on the getting the practicalities in place. Access, finance, housing. The niceties of co parenting can wait. You need to grow some armour and quick. If you have to be the devil incarnate for a while, so be it. That is his doing not yours.

Find your mantras and repeat. Do not engage with him. Do not expect anything from him. Just keep moving towards the day when you live apart and you won't have to deal with this shit. If you cave now you will be dealing with this forever.

Thanks all. Yes disengage. I will try. Is it ever possible to be amicable co-parents after a court process?

I want him to be forced to fill in the financial forms as there is quite a lot that I don't know (there was one hidden property in the past and one other that he has just sold - and I don't know what he intends to do with most of the money). But after the exchange of forms and questions etc... it would be nice to be able to come to an agreement before the first hearing. It wouldn't leave us a lot of time. He is also not likely to say here - have this darling - with my blessing!

Something about taking someone to court is horrible though.

God knows what he will be saying to his family about me. And eventually to our dc .

I think he never expected this to happen. Somehow he could fob me off for years and he never thought it would come to this. Or we are supposed to separate and I am supposed to conveniently vanish?

He has been very responsible about keeping a roof over our head - but I am marginalised in terms of most financial decisions - so I think he is feeling very hurt.

He does not understand my point of view. There were also lots of issues around him being short tempered, at times not talking to me for weeks, and many years with no affection.

He is maginalising you as he wants control - you have basically become his Nanny in his head and you work for him so should do as you are told. The reality of the fact that you are a person in your own right and have entitlement to what he considers his (kids and money) is what he doesn't like and having an opinion about that is what he is kicking back at. You are absolutely doing the right thing and if anything as he now considers you the bitch from hell you can't fall any further so now is the time to go for the jugular and get every penny as he is going to take you through the mill anyway.

Courts are generally fair.

Haha!

Is it ever possible to be amicable co-parents after a court process?

Yes, but it requires both people to not be dickheads. He's causing the problems here, not you - try to hold on to that.

I am scared of an unfair decision a judge could make. Hopefully it won't go that far. Some of the divorce horror stories you hear are awful.

Lots of horrible things still to come for me - this is only the beginning . And the sadness involved is awful - but at least I am feeling more ostracised at the moment, which is an all together easier feeling to handle.

he is going to take you through the mill anyway

What are the different ways he could do this? The more I can pre-empt or predict, the better .

I was in a similar situation. Not yet resolved but amicable at the moment.

Exh (we have decree nisi now, does that count as ex?) was controlling imo in the marriage. After a period of discussion and mediation he then decided to ignore whole process as yours did. However much I trjed to discuss it calmly or sent e-mails etc.

We are and were still living together and it felt fine by him to carry on thay way - even though he had started another relationship. But it wasn't fine by me!

So I had to take him down the court route. We got as far as a hearing in the children act bit, and then he finally agreed to something reasonable rather than the 50:50 he kept saying he wanted but wouldn't have managed in reality.

We got decree nisi the other day. Now just at the Form E exchange stage in financial settlement proceedings. It's a hard slog but we are getting there! We were at each other's throats (almost) earlier this year but getting on OK now.

The point of all that was to say, you shouldn't definitely carry on down court route. You will never get away if you don't.

*You will never get away if you don't."

Yes I agree. Not that I want this situation, but it seems to be what is happening to me .

In our case we are completely estranged but in the same house. And since he found out about the date for the financial hearing, H does not respond to anything that I might ever have to directly ask him. So I live mostly without referring to him at all. Which then makes me feel like a dysfunctional person.

You're having a wobble and still haven't really gotten used to not taking responsibility for his actions or in this case, inaction.

He's acting out to finally having to deal with the consequences of his behaviour, his childishness may be aimed at you but it's all about him and his emotional immaturity.

He's a bully and bullies can't see past their own needs and being 'amicable' just doesn't benefit his selfish agenda. Your expectations of cooperation aren't too high but your expectations of a man child incapable of seeing past his own selfish needs, are.

This is who he is and be prepared for more childishness when he loses more control of you and the situation, keep your cool and eye on the prise, being free from this man child.

still haven't really gotten used to not taking responsibility for his actions or in this case, inaction.

Thank you - I will try to keep this in mind.