To want him to treat the children the same

[Arkadventure1982]

I have been with my OH for almost 3 yrs we met over 5 yrs ago when we were with other partners (neither of us cheated we just ended up together after our relationships fell apart). I have a teeange daughter, and he has an 11 yr old who attends a special needs school he also has an elder son who he doesnt see not by choice. We also have a son together. He is 6 months old.
We have always had a loving relationship and respect each other. We have had many issues involving his ex wife regarding his son and I have always stayed out of it until recently.
I have always noticed my OH treat his son like a toddler and tbh it has reached boiling point for me. Im fully aware of his sons issues but they should be teaching him to be more independent now not doing every little thing for him.
Up until a couple of months ago they were still cutting up food for him and are still tieing his shoes up and putting his socks on. He is physically able to do anything he is not disabled in any way he has a diagnosis that can cause special needs and behaviour issues.
A while ago im ashamed to say my daughter got into trouble at school and I punished her accordingly my OH was supportive and agreed with the punishment. Then barely a week or so later his son got into trouble at his school for a very similar incident but did not get punished at all.
AIBU to want them treated the same I know he doesnt live with us but when he is with us surely he should still face consequences and not live a sheltered life wrapped in cotton wool.
Im starting to think the unfair treatment is why his eldest doesnt want to be around and I dont even know if he knows he has a new half brother. I would love him to be a part of the family too though.
I should say my daughter really struggles with him now as he has got worse as the years have gone on, she loves my OH but makes an excuse to stay away when his son comes to stay. It makes me so sad that she feels that way but she adores her baby brother Im worried its just going to get worse because he just keeps making excuses for his son. I dont know what else to do I pull him up on things all the time and I dont want to become resentful of his son or want our son to grow up feeling hes less important than his half brother.
Sorry for the long post I needed to let it out.

If he attends a special school then tbh you have to make allowances.

His son has special needs, with the best will in the world, he is not the same as your children, and treating him the same won't help anybody. Without knowing exactly what SN you mean, or to what extent I don't know how different he needs to be treated but it is hard to get a place at special school, which suggests he simply wouldn't cope with being treated the same as your children. There are SN which whilst not a physical disability make learning things like getting dressed, cutting food up etc really difficult and it will take longer to learn.

If he attends a special school he is disabled my sons in a special school I cut up his food too he has no danger awareness so at seven he is more like a toddler I obviously don't know what your partner's child's needs are but I'm incredibly protective of my son.

He has behaviour needs tbh special needs is possibly the wrong wording. He is fully able to do all these things i stated himself he just chooses not to. I would fully understand if he needed the help but he really does not. He is allowed out to play by himself like any other child so why treat him differently. I dont think favouring children helps anyone but we will all have different opinions.

Without knowing what the child's needs are it's difficult to say but treating children differently according to their needs is not really favouring them .

I work with SN kids, I have an autistic kid that can go out to play by himself, tell me maths 5 years ahead of his age and do all sorts of stuff but he cant put his shoes on himself coz his socks wrinkle up wrong. He physically could put his shoes on but he just can't handle the thought of his socks wrinkling, we are working on it but it will take ages. point is in some ways he is every other child, in others hes not, so treating him the same would be really stupid

If he attends a special needs school then that's the right wording and it means quite literally he has needs that mean he won't be treated the same as your DD. Obviously can't say much more as we don't know the details and you don't seem to know either, not to the extent that his parents will know him inside and out. I can see it's grating but from how you think "they" are making a mistake in their parenting choices, it doesn't sound like you really respect him on this. And if the Ds wasn't even at your place when the school incident happened, then his punishment is nothing to do with you or how your DD was punished. Presumably it was dealt with by the school and his parents. Does it really effect your DD that much? Can't she make allowances for him being different? And is that pure conjecture that it's the reason for the other son not being around or do you know it was an issue? What does your partner say when you raise it? It's a tough one and does need discussion as it's clearly troubling you and may do more as your baby gets older and isn't treated the same. You may have to accept though that this is inevitable and you may BU to an extent.

He has never been given an official diagnosis of what his needs are. It was made clear when he was in mainstream primary school he was being disruptive and moved to a different school. Thats all I know so how can i treat him accordingly if theres no basis to work from?! Hence why Im saying he should be punished for his actions just like the other children would be.
Im trying to help him.

I say let him deal with his child and you deal with yours.