Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Dad died earlier and Mum thinks I shouldn't need time off work.....is she right ?

48 replies

whatisforteamum · 11/09/2017 18:59

For hrs Dad has been battling cancer.The last six weeks were awful for him and the last few days hard to watch.He died Lunchtime today.My new works policy is 5 days off then sicknote if still requiring leave for siblings partners parents etc.
I know my Mum has been by Dads bedside for weeks and us only the last few days but she shocked me by saying I shouldn't have time off.
I was close to Dad and live nearby.I don't feel emotional however expect it to hit me sometime.
Do I ignore what she said or go back and be accused of being a workaholic like everyone thinks I am.
I don't know what to think or feel.What did you do regarding the death of your loved one?

OP posts:

Freshprincess · 11/09/2017 19:38

Sorry for your loss.

If you worked for me I wouldn't expect to her anything from you this week.
Everyone is different, I've work with someone who took no time except the funeral off and asked for nobody to talk about it, on the other end of the scale I have a friend who took months before she went back to work.

PootlewasthebestFlump · 11/09/2017 19:39

My dad died suddenly of cancer a few months ago. I nursed him for 3 days and nights. It was exhausting and once he'd gone I felt relief. But I think delayed shock hit me and I felt so tired and not 'with it' for at least 2 weeks. I was glad I hadn't gone back to work (in my line of work I wouldn't have been allowed anyway).

My sister went straight back to work as she is, apparently indispensable. But maybe it helped her. I don't know.

Do what feels right for you. There are no rules.

Sillysausages007 · 11/09/2017 19:43

I am so sorry for your loss.

When I lost one of my parents in an accident the shock was indescribable and I actually ended up having 3 months off work - my GP signed me off with a sort of "rolling" sick note forbidding me from working until I felt up to it.

Everyone is different - some people go back to work immediately as they feel it is a normal thing in a very abnormal situation. Others need a long time away to come to terms with everything. There is no right or wrong - just do what you feel is right. Sending you hugs.

Doilooklikeatourist · 11/09/2017 19:44

Do what is right for you
When my mum died , I carried on working , I felt better if life was 'normal'
I cried every day at some point , but it felt right to me to be busy

My DH even worked for a couple of hours the day of his mums funeral , then when we got home he had to go to bed as he collapsed .

TheLuminaries · 11/09/2017 19:46

There is no right or wrong. I went back to work between my dad's (sudden) death and the funeral - it is how I cope. My sister was a weeping, dramatic wreck. That is her style. I try not to judge her and hope she doesn't judge me. I have had many bereavements, sadly, so I know that grief is a long term project. Do what feels right for you but be prepared that it will be a long haul and you may still be grieving months later when most colleagues will have forgotten your loss. Be kind to yourself and your family. Sorry for your loss.

jay55 · 11/09/2017 19:52

When mum died suddenly early this year I took two days immediately and then went back until the funeral and took a couple more days for that. I didn't deal with any of it mentally for months though and took a nice chunky break this summer.

Do what you need now and be ready to be there when your mum needs you.

Trampire · 11/09/2017 19:52

Sorry for your loss

My dad died in March. Im self employed and work from home but work on long contracts. My 'employers' were lovely and happily gave me 4 weeks grace. After that, I rang them and said I wanted to start work again. I felt fine.

Too be honest, I wasn't fine. All these months on I feel physically exhausted, suffer with insomnia, low confidence (on reflection the quality of my work had slipped whilst my dad was ill).

I'm not too sure what else I could have done really. I've had comments from people saying I should have taken a year off and I'm heartless! Who can take a year off?? I did my best at the time. I think I'm just doing normal grieving.

So in answer to your question, by all means go back to work soon if you wish but expect it to hit you properly later down the line.

HemanOrSheRa · 11/09/2017 20:08

I'm so sorry for your loss . I can only echo what everyone has said. Take as much time as you feel you need. You are likely to feel physically drained as well as mentally. Your Mum may need more support in the coming days/weeks/months. Do not underestimate how grief can knock you on your arse for a long time and in the most unexpected ways.

I had about 2 months off when my Mum died. She did die 2 weeks before Christmas which, for us, made it all the more awful. Dad was in a terrible state. Honestly, I wasn't fine for a good 2 or 3 years afterwards. My Dad died in quite difficult circumstances at the beginning of last year. I had 2 months off after he died and a month leading up to his death. In the months after his death I was really ill with one thing after another. I can't say I'm really ok now.

for everyone here and particularly CantSpell2.

supersop60 · 11/09/2017 20:12

So sorry for your loss. You must do whatever suits you, and not what other people say.

KityGlitr · 11/09/2017 20:16

I'm sorry for your loss. Lost my mum when I was 22 and as I used up my 2 weeks compassionate leave when she was hospitalised, the way it worked out meant i held funeral Friday and returned to work Monday. It never occurred to be to do anything differently. It was only years later I realised some people take longer off and even get signed off by their GP following a loss. As far as I was concerned I was given two weeks full pay generously and I wasn't sick so wouldn't have dreamed of being signed off.

It was the right thing to do for me, it kept me occupied and I enjoyed being back to some normality. Grief got much harder for me six months later and I struggled with work more then, though I didn't have any time off then either. I couldn't have afforded to even if I wanted to so just cracked on.

Very personal decision. You shouldn't feel guilty either way. Some will judge you for going back quickly as if the death wasn't painful for you but life does go on. Some will judge for taking time off. Do what's best for you.

KityGlitr · 11/09/2017 20:20

Plus depends on your job. I was in a customer service role in a bank so very fast paced and nothing too deep so it was fine. I thought I was doing really well putting a brave face on and being perky and friendly and still meeting my sales targets until one customer said (jokingly, not nastily) 'what's up with you love. You look like a wet weekend!' I just looked him dead in the eye and said 'sorry. I buried my mum last week' and he was mortified, so apologetic and offered to let me kick him in the nuts outside haha!

My current job is in mental health as a therapist dealing with other people's pain and loss all day and I wouldn't have gone back to that as quickly as I know I wouldn't have been able to do my job well enough for my patients without breaking down all the time.

KityGlitr · 11/09/2017 20:21

Luckily my mum died the day before xmas eve so I was already off a fair bit with bank holidays etc so my 2 weeks bereavement leave didn't end up being that many working days.

Dreams16 · 11/09/2017 20:38

I'm sorry for your loss I agree with what others have said take time off you need to grieve

redcarbluecar · 11/09/2017 20:45

I had a similar experience. My dad died early one morning, and Mum was adamant that I didn't need to take time off work and come up to see her (in another city). I remember just not knowing what to do; couldn't work out whether the death of a parent would be regarded as a valid reason not to be at work - it was just an unreal situation. Talked to a friend who basically told me to go to my mum's - which was the right thing to do, and she appreciated it; I think she was trying to be practical and 'just get on with it' in the immediate aftermath of the loss. I had a week off work. My sympathies for your loss.

HelenaDove · 11/09/2017 20:48

OP i remember you mentioning your dad on previous threads. Im sorry for your loss

Hope your DH is being supportive.

Dahlietta · 11/09/2017 20:54

What do you want to do, OP? It isn't clear from your posts. You were surprised that your mum thought you shouldn't take time off; you think other people will think you're a workaholic... It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks - as pp have said, you need to do what you think would help most. I surprised myself when my wonderful father died very suddenly a few years ago because I didn't take any time off work except to travel up for the funeral. I think it helped me to be busy and around people. I wouldn't have thought that would be how I would react. You might surprise yourself too, but follow your instinct on this.

Andro · 11/09/2017 20:57

When my PA lost her mum in similar circumstances, I handed her a letter authorizing 3 weeks paid leave and told her to take it whenever she needed it over the next 12 months. She took some around the funeral, but needed most of it some months later when the shock wore off.

Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong - only what is right for you.

Haudyerwheesht · 11/09/2017 21:01

My dad died last year but I'm a sahm so didn't need time off as such. Dh's dad died very recently and he had a week off but there was a lot to organise by him directly. For me at the time I needed to keep busy so was doing play dates the day he died and stuff but that's different from HAVING to be on form at work. If you feel like you need time then take it.

DrMadelineMaxwell · 11/09/2017 21:04

When DH's Dad died suddenly, he went back to work the day after, as he preferred to keep busy.

When my DDad died of cancer, 2 years ago, I'd already been allowed a week off work by my boss, to sit at his bedside for the last week, once we'd been told that was about how long he'd have left. I was in a whirl of visiting and sorting out family stuff and I felt lost when, the day after, I suddenly had nothing to do! I am a teacher and would have struggled to have been 'on' as much as I needed to be for my class so was glad that my gp was happy to sign me off for another week or two until the funeral.

MollyHopps · 11/09/2017 21:19

Do what you feel that you need to do to grieve. Your mum, despite what she might be going through, does not have a day on how you grieve and what you need at the moment do do that comfortably.

Remember, you will be OK

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 11/09/2017 22:40

Thank u all and sorry for your losses too.I have been treated for anxiety this year so know pacing myse!f is key.I feel fine today not exhausted as I have been.
Like I say I had expected to be floored by this so half expect it to happen.
I coped better than I would when my nan died 20 years ago.
I work with all men so would feel sad to go into work when I just lost my Dad.However I work somewhere where I could pop out if I felt overwhelmed. As I'm new they are being fantastic and have messaged if there is anything they can do to let them know.Company policy is five days for a parent or partner or child then sick note if more time is required.I have saved up as I knew Df would die soon.I'm thank ng Tue off then see how I feel regarding going back before the funeral.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2017 06:13

Sounds like a plan.

Poshindevon · 12/09/2017 06:44

I am sorry for your loss
I was not able to take time off when my father died I had a business to run, my distraught disabled mother to care for and the funeral to arrange, coroners office etc
When it was all over and things had calmed down I made arrangements and took two weeks holiday, which I needed after the grief and pressure of the previous weeks.
You must do whatever feels right for you.

Flip

1 2