AIBU to hate organising playdates

[hooochycoo]

I have a 5 year old and 8 year old. I really hate trying to organise playdates. Personally, I'm totally happy to organise them, and am happy to have their friends back whenever they ask, and liase with other parents for them to go back to other friend's houses if they are invited. But it sometimes seems like pulling teeth when I try and talk to the other parents.

Today for instance, DS comes up to me with a class friend, saying please can we have a play date this week. We live 10 mins away from their family, I know the friend's mum and dad both well. he kids play together fine. So I say, yes it's fine with me, let's go ask your mum when's good for her. So both children and I go and ask her, to which there is much vague non committal shrugging and " not sure when" "we'll organise something sometime". Cue disappointed children and not much I can do. Leaves me a bit paranoid and with disappointed kids and not really wanting to ask again. But feeling bad for the children.

Anyone else have this experience? Anyone got the opposite perspective to help me understand?

Has this happened before with other parents or just with vague woman?

Some people don't have a calendar or diary & don't know what's going on two days from now. Others have a tight work schedule & cant fit it all in... could she be either of those types?

it's happened a couple of times with this woman. Who I do know and have known for years now, and although we're not close friends we friendly.

It's also happens with other people sometimes to.

Although not enough for it to be obvious that noone likes me or my children. But enough for me to be slightly paranoid that it's the case :-D

If it's the same woman mostly, don't get paranoid - she's probably flaky or overstretched.
Just keep asking on the off chance.
Maybe better to ask other parents away from DC so they're not out on the spot?
DC with friend in tow 'Can X come over this week?'
You 'That sounds good, I have a chat with X's Mum/Dad later'

I think she's just trying to politely say no and you're not picking up on it. Did you really go up and put her on the spot, with the two kids doing puppy dog eyes? That's really bad form from you, you know. You made it really hard for her to say no.

Is it bad form? I didn't know that. I just thought that the kids are keen (they ask all the time), I know the family, we live really close ( she doesn't work) and didn't think it was a big deal.

I wouldnt give it a second thought my dd does this asking friends round it does put me on the spot and i do say no because i dont know there parents. She used to have the same girl at ours most days and she'd go to hers but they were put into different classes and she didnt come round much after that.
I wouldnt take it personally my dds only 6 so i think theres years of this to come and kids tend to choose there own friends so i wouldnt worry to much about the mums you may have caught her on an off day.

Is there some kind of accepted way to organise playdates then? Genuinely. If there is I've missed it. What does everyone else do?

This happens to me too - some parents are really keen others are not. I've stopped asking the not so keen ones now.
It's their loss!
I feel sorry for the kids but I can usually distract mine with the promise of a play date with somebody else (who will accept)

I can be a bit non-comittal. I'm mega busy-not just a bit and every day. I've got a job (own business), horses, dogs, two kids at different schools to ferry about, one with SEN, a house to try and clean in between running around and a DH who works a 70 plus hour week and is at work every single day. It is manic, but with organisation runs well enough. I'm rubbish at arranging play dates on the spot-I need my diary and a think about how I will rearrange stuff that day to do pick ups/drop offs etc. I usually text or ring the parent later when I've had time to think. I absolutely can't do last minute (or usually even same week ) as I'm planned up. I'm not some miserable dictator, the kids have a great social life but I shit at being put on the spot!

Was it the 5yo or the 8yo? I suspect some of DS's friends' mums think I am that mother. I am neither flaky nor overstretched - I just can't really be doing with playdates after school. DS is 5, just started Year 1 and I suppose I just quite like our after school routine: watch a bit of TV, have a chat, bath, reading, etc. Also, I fear that if I accept too many play dates, I will become a mother who does play dates (there seem to be a few of them) and it will all spiral out of control and my house will permanently be filled with other people's children. So at the moment, I'm quietly observing and seeing how long I can get away with it!

namechange, that's a useful perspective! How would you prefer to be approached?

Do you go in with specifics? So many have had the cba when it comes to planning that I've taken to old school invites, please can joe bloggs come around from school on day until x time. I write my number and that i am happy to pick up and drop off. Noone has ever said no.

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My children are older than 5. I probably took that approach from age 6, once they were well used to a full day.

Can you swop email addresses or phone numbers and do it that way?

I'm always very keen to arrange and have playdates, but can't confirm dates unless I've got my diary in front of me.

By the way if you think that's hard, try inviting a DC to go on holiday with your DC - that's a whole new minefield.

It's their loss!

I hasten to add, DS isn't bothered either. If he were begging me, I would be a bit more enthusiastic!

I usually give my number or take theirs (or catch them on facebook if they prefer) and message them in the evening when I have a moment and my diary. A few parents have sent home a note in DS/DD book bag asking if we can arrange something and giving their number which I thought was a great idea.

I don't do it in front of the kids. I do it when I get the mum on her own. Or by text.
Doing it infront of the kids puts unnecessary pressure on her to agree to it there and then.
Maybe change that bit?

I prefer someone to text me. Then I can check it's convenient with Dh, just out of courteousy, and text back.

OK, so I've sent her a Facebook message (she uses Facebook a lot) saying what days we're free . Is that OK?

Can we write a mumsnet playdate etiquette?

Is there some kind of accepted way to organise playdates then?

Definitely away from the children. You need to let people be able to say no if it doesn't suit them, which is really hard if you are standing right in front of them with two kids who want you to say yes. You feel pushed into it, and that's not on.
By text or phone is much better.

Sometimes people don't want play dates because they're worried about having children all to theirs, especially if they have other kids, work and everything else in between. I have more kids to mine because I only have 1 child and my work schedule is more flexible. I don't expect other parents to invite to theirs. Definitely worth mentioning that you don't require reciprocal arrangements.