To feel I'm treated differently

[twilight85]

AIBU to be upset over this. I have a sister and we haven't seen each other in years and we don't talk either we're very different and she decided she didn't anything to do with me and has made it clear she doesn't have a sister. She comes to stay at my mums every so often and when she is there it's made clear I'm not allowed visit until she is gone home as they don't want to upset her as they don't see her that often. I just feel they're adding fuel to the fire by pushing me out every time she visits.

Presumably you have alone time with your DM when your sister isnt there? You aren't being pushed out, afford her the same courtesy you have with your mother and let them have space fior their own relationship - unless of course you want to deliberately visit your mother at the same time and cause an atmopshere.

You will read a lot on this forum about people who choose to go NC with relatives, for whatever reason, your sister has decided to do this with you. I agree it would be nice to have an explanation, but I doubt you will get one.

I'd step back and respect that space for your sister. In the meantime do you know why your sister has taken this extreme decision?
You could give her some time and then perhaps ask what you might do to repair the situation?

I have a very similar situation with own my sister, but from the opposite perspective: I am the one that doesn't want to have contact with my sibling - for (IMO) very good reasons.

Assuming you have plenty of opportunities to visit your parents when she isn't there, I'd suggest you respect her wishes.

I assume she can't visit if you are booked to be there either... your parents just want to make sure they see you both.

What would she say about the situation?

Curiosity dictates it would be nice to know why your sister has gone NC with you.

As harsh as it sounds, I hope your parnets have their wills drawn up or you're going to have a high old time sorting that out non verbally

I am virtually NC with my brother, the only reason I'm not completely no contact is because it would break my dad's heart. I think that if you have lots of time with your parents when your sister isn't there, it's only fair to let them have time together when she is there sporadically.

So they see you regularly and her only occasionally?

You are being treated differently - and you're getting the better end of the deal!

I only see my parents 4 times a year, if I'm lucky, whereas my brother sees them at least once a week. My brother and I get on fine but it drives me bananas when he insists on muscling in on ALL my time with my parents - and by "muscling in", I mean expecting them to continue to do things for him as they normally would when I'm not visiting, e.g. on my first visit to them since May, he took up 1 of the 2 days I had to spend with them getting my dad to help him with some DIY! It is SO infuriating and although I recognise my parents are in a difficult position (my brother is very demanding and quite difficult), it makes me resent them a bit that they keep giving in to his demands at the expense of our time together.

Let her have time with your parents.

If you was present then there would be an uncomfortable atmosphere. You would then either expect her to acknowledge you. Or you would be moaning that she is rude for ignoring you.

It was my mums birthday today and I had planned to visit her but my sister turned up unexpectedly as a surprise so I was told basically it wouldn't suit today to visit.

Well, it's your mum's choice what she does on her birthday I'm afraid.

So, what have you done to upset your sister (real or imagined) and make her go NC?

Had you planned a visit with your mum or also were popping in?

I can see why you would be upset on your Mum's birthday, the situation is very difficult for your mum whom is stuck in the middle.

It might be better to be the grown up and just ignore it and move on. If your sister has popped in unannounced there is not much you can do, without spoiling your mum's birthday.

Why not arrange a wonderful birthday celebration for her just the two of you? I am sure she would appreciate it.

It sounds as if your sister lives some distance away. Won't it have been very awkward for your mother when she arrived even though it was a nice surprise? You really don't know what your sister is saying to her and mIght be telling her she won't visit unless she guarantees twilight stays away. It could sound a bit like blackmail or it could genuinely be to protect your sister's feelings. Context is everything.

I'm in a similar sort of position btw. I won't be visiting my mother or staying over. I have recently gone NC with my thug of a brother. He holds a very respectable job and is golden boy to my mother. He was physically abusive to me a couple of months ago and as per usual my mother has justified this as she has for all of my life. I cannot guarantee that he won't show up as neither of them respect me. At least your mother is respecting her dds wishes.

Do you know why your sister is NC?

Not really we are very different people but we have never got on even as kids we used to kill each other the usual child hood squabbles. She got in contact a few years ago when she moved near where I live and we were meeting and contacting regularly and then she just went NC again and when I asked her why get back in touch her reaction was you were handy when I needed a lift.

I think your mum is being mean about the birthday and I'd be really annoyed with her. The rest I understand so long as arrangements aren't cancelled at the last minute.

There are two sides to every story and I doubt your sister sees things as clearly-cut as you do. She obviously has sincerly-felt reasons for wanting nothing to do with you, and you should respect this. Whether her reasons are genuine or are in her head is irrelevant - they are real to her and she wants to avoid you damaging her (again, whether or not this is anything you actually do).

From my own personal experience, I loathe my abusive brother and will do anything to avoid visiting my parents while he is there. I cannot afford to let him manipulate me or mentally assault me (at least it's not physical acts these days) because it sets me back years. I'm not suggesting you are guilty of this sort of act towards your sister, but she has reasons to dislike or fear you which are undoubtedly genuine to her.

I think you need to accept her need to separate herself from you and allow her to visit your family alone.

Your explanation for the NC is extremely sketchy. It sounds like you want to stop contact between your sister and parents by insisting on going there when you sister is visiting, since you know your sister does not want to see you

Apart from your mums birthday (which i find odd you didnt mention your sister drops in unexpectedly or the fact it was your mums birthday) i think yabu.

Why do you want to be there if she is? Why is that so important to you?

I will bet that your sisters version is very different to yours. But, either way, your mum is stuck in the middle and wants to spend time with both of you.

If your sister wants to be completely NC with you, then your mum is just respecting her decision.

Sounds like your mum wants to spend her birthday with your sister. Leave it. Don't pester your mum about it, and then pop along another day to have your time with her.

Childhood squabbles you say. My mother reckons it was usual childhood squabbles between my brother and me. It was anything but. He was verbally and physically abusive and generally vile. As soon as I could stand up, he apparently used to push me over, my mother laughed when telling me this. It escalated to hitting me, shaking me like a rag doll imprisoning me and calling me the most demeaning names. She did little to nothing to stop it and when she did punish him, he'd end up laughing hysterically and because she is such a child, so would she. So I had two abusers. I still have two abusers now.

Are you sure it was just childhood squabbles?

@Mummyoflittledragon - I agree. I was bullied by my sister and brother. Constantly. Am close to my sister but still can't stand being around my brother for very long.

If your sister doesn't want to see you, she probably has her own good reasons. You can't force people to have a relationship with you if they don't want one.