sick of baby development competition...

[Schwanengesang]

10mo DS vs. other kid at baby group. They're the two oldest in the group. The other babies, up to 4mo younger, all fall between them developmentally.

Other kid is very, very developmentally "quick" - rolling round the room at 4 months, crawling at 6 months, walking at 9 mo, saying "Mum" Dad" and "milk" (applying semantics, not just babbling) at 10mo. Into everything, does all the activities correctly. Loads of family support, kid always in lovely new outfits bought by visiting family and friends, beautiful hairdos with ribbons, etc etc.

DS is lovely, normal, but developmentally slower. Sitting at 6mo. No crawling or bum shuffling. Babbling with some semantics (ie same noise each time for "interesting!" or "I want a feed!" etc). Gets overwhelmed by loud noises & intrusive people, particularly this other kid continually poking him in the face at baby group. Likes nice soft classical music, cries at the Wiggles turned up to 11 that baby group has recently started doing. Sits feeling the paintbrush and eating paint rather than painting masterpieces. Etc. No family support, relatively few friends; wears what clothes I can buy secondhand as my priorities lie elsewhere (music, books, lots of trips to the gardens/museum). Is a bit bald, likes taking in the view, but has bright eyes and a lovely little conspiratorial grin that he shares with me, DH and a select few, and generally behaviour that demonstrates he has a very good grasp of what's going on.

Other mum asks every week if we have taken him to the doctor yet because he's slow. Comments every week have included:
"oh poor [DS] that's not how you do it, look at [her DD], see what she's doing!" (painting, playdoh, playing in shredded paper, etc)

"oh, poor [DS], you look like you're still wearing your pyjamas!"

"oh, poor [DS], even your hair is slow, you're like a bald little tiny baby! look at [her DD]'s hair!"

"oh, poor [DS], can't you say Mum yet? your Mummy must be sad you're not talking properly yet."

"oh poor [DS] don't your grandparents like you? Nobody ever comes to visit you!"

Sigh...

We live in a small town a long way from everywhere else (not in the UK) where everyone pops up in lots of different contexts and everyone knows everyone else. They will probably go to the same primary school. So this looks set to continue for years unless I can somehow get it to stop.

Suggestions for what to do, please other than telling the other mum she's a pain in the arse and to sod off

Your child is perfectly on time with everything. My dd was like yours and she was always top of the class in primary school. Her child is extremely advanced but is going to have a lot of problems with the mother she has.

I feel bad for that woman's child because when the other children catch up to her precious little genius, she's going to have a massive blow to her ego. Let's hope she doesn't take it out on the child.

In the end, why is having a genius so highly prized?

As mothers we are given a baby with different abilities and their own personality and our job is to help to grow into kind, thoughtful human beings and protect them along the way. Ideally we will also discovered their particular talents and interests and help to nurture them. Really, I would of course be proud to be Einstein's mother but not more than I am proud of the daughter I have.

I'd avoid the passive aggressive comments.

Is she doing this to the other parents too? If so I'd be inclined to talk to them about her. "Do you think poor Sarah, massively insecure? I don't know why she's so competitive about the children."

Can I just point out here that crawling and walking early is not necessarily a good thing. I really don't understand why some parents boast about this. Do they not know that late walkers are usually smarter? Have they not heard of Albert Einstein who famously did not speak until age 4?

You know, I think back to my first child who was a "late walker" at 15 months and a couple of smug new parents' comments. My child turns out to be a very high achiever so hey, you'll have the last laugh. Her child will probably have processing issues, poor thing.

What an absolute cow. How dare she criticise a baby and patronise you like that?! I feel sorry for her daughter if that's the kind of person her mother is.

I'd be tempted to be rude to her. Or downright ignore her until she takes the hint

Some people have absolutely no filter, so you could use the mumsnet classic, 'did you mean to be so rude'. Alternatively, you could go for the PA, talking through the baby, 'poor mummy, did granny not teach her any manners.' Or you could tell her that there's an old English saying, 'walk too soon, brain like baboon'. It's nonsense, of course; I think someone on mumsnet made it up!

I too would avoid the passive aggressive comments, don't join in the game, otherwise you will have a very long haul. Just say straight out, 'development isn't a race and it's not a competition, your comments are upsetting and unnecessary. We have no concerns about xxxxs development, but if we did we would seek out the appropriate support and your constant comments and comparisons would still be unwelcome and unhelpful'

The irony is when you do have a child with developmental difficulties, everyone falls over themselves to tell you they're fine or avoids talking to you!

I'd probably get sarcastic and say 'yeah, it's a shame' each time. I did have someone similar who I was friends with and I ended up ghosting her as she just pissed mecoff so much in the end. She was so cross she deleted me off Facebook and I really didn't give a shit luckily. We moved away and years later she tried to friend me again via Facebook and I never accepted her request 🙊

Eeuugghh what a horrible woman. I'd probably say something to her like poor you, you didn't get to enjoy the special baby stage for long did you? Looks like you've got a strong willed child on your hands there, good luck!!

She'd have a field day with my dd, not sitting until about 8 months, not crawling at 11 months. But I'm not worried, have come to realise they all do things in their own time and one day all of a sudden she'll just start crawling or walking.

Try to avoid her if you can, who needs people like that in their lives. And don't forget that pride often comes before a fall.

My DS didn't walk until 18 months, talk until age 3 (hearing problem), wasn't a great reader through infants etc.

He took the 11+ on Saturday, is in top groups and exceeding all targets.

And most importantly he's a kind, considerate, fun 10 year old who makes me proud every day because of the person he is and the man he will be.

I remember with sadness how I felt in those early years, and I didn't have anyone as awful as yours to deal with, but please try not to let it affect these wonderful early years with your DS. If you lined up my DS's class now they're in year 6, you wouldn't be able to see who walked late, who was in nappies still at age 5, who didn't sleep through the night etc.

If I were you (and I'm a wuss!), I would say whatever you need to to tell this woman, clearly & in no uncertain terms, that you don't want to hear any more from her about your DS-don't be passive aggressive or smart, just clear and direct. If you're not comfortable with doing this, it would be great to learn this now whilst your DS is not aware, rather than him having to listen to this woman criticising him at age 3/4/5...

Just tell her he's too happy being a baby to do all that stuff just yet & her dd seems like she just wants to grow up too quickly. Will shut her up.

Atenco that's so true, and a lovely way of looking at it.

Or you could just say 'you know, im sick and tired of your nasty comments about my child. Why do feel the need to say things like that? It's nasty! You come across as very unpleasant, you realise that?'

It's tricky because I doubt she'll pick up on on any thing subtle if her social skills are so poor she doesn't get what a dick she's being. so whatever you say she will probably feel sorry for you because your not coping or some other tosh. Is there anyway to avoid her, without stopping going to the group? Or Is there a third friend who you could explain what happening to and she could 'have a word'.

I would decline to give her any attention at all. When she makes a comment, smile, turn away and start talking to someone else. Be gracious and a bit haughty, to imply she is being rude and inappropriate (which she is). Don't stoop to her level. She must get a kick out of annoying you, so don't give any response and she will get bored.
Focus on playing with your DS and befriending the other mums. I'm sure they've noticed her nastiness and secretly despise her.

Your DS sounds normal. My DD crawled at 11 months, walked at 13 and this was around average in our peer group. The other mum has an exceptionally fast developer.

If ignoring didn't work I'd try sarcasm.

Don't resort to bitching back at this condescending excuse for a parent. Show her some excellent manners as she's possibly never had an example if she's constabtly wrapped up in her echo chamber of a family network.

Presumably she does it to others? Take her to one side, give her the shit sandwich "it's so nice to see your dd engaged in this activity, nobody likes you being negative about small children, oh good your dd is really a happy soul".

Your DS sounds lovely!! Give him a squidge and tell him he's perfect when she comes near.
If she carries on use the trusted 'did you mean to be so rude? Focus on your own kid'.
I wouldn't stoop to her level with snarky comments

you are right, those saying don't stoop to her level. I didn't say anything today as she wasn't being a dick, but next time she is, I will ask whether she wants to be criticising a baby constantly for what she seems to perceive as inadequacies — because if she really did think DS was "slow" or that I couldn't look after him for whatever reason or that I had zero family interest, then criticising and pointing all these things out wouldn't really be a good way of dealing with any of them, would it?

Thanks all. Good to know my radar isn't off and that I should not just let it go.

My DD is four months and we occasionally go to a baby group, it's a small village and isn't on much.

There is one woman whose baby is a few weeks older than DD and she is "such an advanced baby, the HV said so"...

She is always boasting about what the baby can do, what new skills she has learnt and whatever anyone else's baby has started doing or is improving at, her baby has been doing that FOR AGES.....

I tend to ignore her!

I think I'd snap at her. Something along the lines of "oh will you please give it a rest? I am sick to death of you commenting on Ds's development or his clothes or his hair, it's none of your bloody business." And then every time she says another comment (she sounds like the thick skinned type...) you can follow it up with "will you PLEASE leave it?". I know that personally I would be more able to say something like that at a baby group in front of others than actually telling her to fuck off or openly telling her she's being rude. Bursting into tears is a bad idea because it shows she's getting to you, you want to maintain the upper hand. She sounds hideous.

Oh and as per your last post I wouldn't get into a discussion with her about it either. Your wording there suggests you are inviting her to have a discussion with you about the extent to which you are/are not dealing with any perceived issues regarding your son's development. You don't want to get into a discussion with her because she'll always think she's right. You just need to shut her down quickly and firmly.

Urgh.

Your DD sounds like a delight - your description of him made me melt.

Could you try wide eyed questioning? " why are you criticising my baby's hair?" "You sound like you're saying that my baby shouldn't play the way he likes?"

Or over the top agreement "wow your DD is a little rapunzel! Do you think she's going to cure cancer next year?"