To mix wine and diazepam because I'm tired of the pain

[friendlessfuckr]

I'm friendless. I don't know what's wrong with me that everyone cba to keep in touch or respond when I try to. I'm sure it's all within the category of simply drifting apart, they simply don't get much out of friendship with me, rather than anyone hating me. No falling outs for example.

My brother is being very chilly with me as well, dunno why.

But I feel so alone. I'm just not likeable enough to deserve warm friendship, laughter, fun, a sense of community.

I've had half a bottle of wine and am thinking of taking 2mg of diazepam just to make everything hurt less. I just want to not feel the bruised sensation and the shame of being so rejected, just for a little while.

I want to not give a shit that I have no friends, that my family always can shrug me off when it suits them, and to be carefree. Feeling hurt and lonely, it grinds you down, I want a break.

I am very private so no-one will ever know.

Tomorrow I'll make a cup of tea and deal with it differently - muddle through the day as best I can - but for tonight I. Just.Want. To. Not.Feel. Anything.

God, I realise I've dodged a bullet here. There are times I've had a glass of wine and 2mg of diazepam together, thinking such small amounts were OK....looks like I've been lucky. Never again.

I sometimes feel like you OP. I used to feel that way a lot, but things are slowly getting better. Things that helped:
-Realising I'm probably on the autistic spectrum and that there are reasons why I find it difficult to engage with people;

• Getting CBT to help me put things in perspective (Ie- "Why does nobody respond to my texts, I'm feeling desperate?" "Well, when I'm not feeling desperate, do I respond to chatty texts when I'm feeling busy?")

-Realising that, due to the AS, making friends is never going to be effortless, and that I will probably always need the social crutch of joining groups, etc, in order to have a decent social life;

• Realising that I actually enjoy spending time on my own sometimes, and to relish those moments of solitude rather than it sending me into a flat spin of depression and desperation.
• Being aware of when people are reaching out;- yes, I bet they're doing it to you too, OP, but for some reason you're not picking up on those cues when it happens.

Gradually, as I've learnt to accept myself, and not to over react when I feel rejected (which would push people away further), I have started to get a better social life, although still have few close friends. Saying that, I've had a fucking horrible weekend- rain, fractious kids, didn't meet up with anybody, tentative social arrangements all fell through .

If they don't want to be in touch it says more about them. Their life and priorities etc than it does you.
So glad you didn't take it. I get the wanting the world to go away for a bit feeling though.

Thanks for all your support, honestly it made me feel better just by talking about it here.

Just a suggestion Friendless - have you considered calling Samaritans when you feel like this? There is always someone on the end of the phone to talk to when you need it from them.
I understand what you are going through, self-medication is too easy to do. Sending