To just ignore my Dad's attempts at contact?

[Frillyhorseyknickers]

I can't decide whether I'm being a complete arsehole but I'm confident in the knowledge that MN will tell me straight.

Biological dad left when I was young, stayed in sporadic contact, always contributed financially but emotionally unavailable, I resented the relationship he had with his daughters (my half sisters) from his second marriage. Never had him as a father figure growing up but never really minded as I have the most cracking step dad in the world.

Bio dad split up with his wife last year, and all of a sudden I get more texts/calls/emails. I got married last year and he had a big wobbler when I told him he was invited as a guest only as SD did all the father bits.

Since then I got pregnant and I'm due in a couple of weeks time- again I'm getting texts and emails "let's meet up before grandchild arrives" yada yada.

I just don't like him. I don't want to spend time with him, I did all the hard bits of growing up without him giving me any support and I feel as though the only reason he's starting to make an effort is because his perfect second family have binned him off and he has the change to try and social climb his way around my in-laws. (He's a partner in a fairly big law firm and his life is one fuck off networking opportunity which is another separate issue as he is constantly trying to brown nose my colleagues and clients).

My DH is indifferent, he knows how I feel and he will support whatever decision I make. My ILs think I'm a bit of a heartless bitch for not wanting him to come over and visit. My parents split up due to him fucking his secretary when I was a baby so mum and SD have a fairly low opinion of him anyway, without his lousy parenting whilst I was growing up.

I can't decide whether I need to just paint a smile on for the visits 3-4 times a year, continue to ignore his suggestions to meet up or just have it out with him and tell him I don't want to see him. He's going through a shit time with his divorce and I don't want to push him over the edge but at the same time part of me is mad I even care.

If you really don't want to have contact YANBU.
On the other hand.. he made mistakes. He wasn't the dad he should have been, perhaps not the dad he would have liked to have been. Was he young? has he changed? Maybe what you need is to tell him how angry you are, how he let you down and what you think of him, and stop papering over the cracks so you can have a real relationship or not.

I never knew my grandfather. Although it sounds as though he was an amazing man in some ways, he was a crap husband and father, my grandmother rightly ditched him, and my mother decided in her teens she wanted nothing to do with him. All fair enough, their decisions to make, but now he is dead I wish I had known my grandfather.

He sounds as though he is very flawed. That isn't great. His sins appear to have been a lack of interest in you.
Perhaps you need to put this to him - that it's difficult for you to be close with him because you were such a low priority. You'd have to give it time but put the onus on him to build something slowly.
Or don't. You'd be entirely reasonable to eject him from your life it's what he did and has modelled for you as how to deal with relationships that are not working. But you might be more adult than that.
But perhaps unwise to compare the man you automatically are mad at for having left you because of his infidelity in his marriage against the man who didn't let you down.
He is flawed you seem to only want perfection out of him.

Is it more that you don't like what he did than who he actually is? I ask because it seems as though you don't really know him. He definitely made huge mistakes and you have every right to be incredibly hurt, but along with getting older often brings wisdom and regrets. Perhaps your father is deeply regretful for how he acted during your childhood and wants to try to build a relationship with you. The choice is yours, but if it were me, I think I would give the relationship a chance.

He didn't support you emotionally when you were young and now wants to 'bond' so he can use you to network?
I'd just tell him the time for father-daughter bonding has passed!

My father had absolutely no interest in his children and was pretty bloody awful to everyone around him. I cut contact as a child and he died last month. I don't regret not trying to build a relationship with him. Some people just shouldn't be parents.

I think your in-laws are looking at it from their own point of view. I think it's very difficult to understand how you can keep a parent at a distance if you've had a normal relationship with your own parents.

I also think that he doesn't sound very willing to acknowledge his past behaviour. It's almost as though he's saying 'here I am, forget about all my failings as a parent in the past and welcome me into your life'. Personally, I'd be unable to get past that. Exactly what would he add to your life? And what would he demand in return? Is it worth it?

Thanks for the responses. I don't think I like the person that he is now, I'm over the fact he wasn't there for me growing up, I've done the hatred and I don't have any strong feelings towards him anyone one way or another.

Perhaps your point on perfection is right cheese. I have a loving mum and SD and a pretty tight network around me, I'm used to good, reliable family member who I can lean on, who lean on me. My dad doesn't fit the box on any count.

I've done the whole "would I regret shutting him out if he died tomorrow" scenario but you can't really judge that until you've been there!

If this man wasn't your bio dad, would you want to have contact with him? If not, then don't. I didn't much like my Dad, and had little contact up to the point he died. I can't say I've missed him since he died, nor has ds.

You do what you need to do- let's be frank, he always did. If meeting him makes you anxious and annoyed because he wasn't there for years then that's fair enough and you don't have to see him.

I finally told my dad I wanted no more contact 2 years ago. Like yours he was absent for all of my growing up and dipped his toe into my life from when I was 16 onwards as he was curious about who I am, but it was all like a novelty to him and it pissed me off no end that he just took all the easy casual bits of our relationship and was never actually there. After years of heartache and him sometimes being interested and sometimes not even replying my emails I told him we were done. It was too painful and made me furious.

I felt like a weight had lifted when I ended it. I do care about him but the whole situation was fucked up and caused me no end of turmoil. He chose to not be around for all those years and didn't give me enough when he did choose to be 'present' to make the situation liveable for me.

If your gut is telling you you're not happy with this and don't want to bow to how he wants it to be then you don't have to. It's understandable. You can tell him you need to step away for a while if you want time to think, also seeing a therapist to work it out might help.

Wishing you all the best.

I tell him to fuck right off. He can't swan back and get to play happy families now that it suits him. You know he will drop you as soon as he gets a new girlfriend.

See him if it suits you and a way from others.

He will disappear again anyway once he gets a new partner.

But it isn't a case of him growing older and wiser and regretting his mistakes, is it?

You've been an adult many years. It's only now that he is divorcing and his family landscape has changed that he's suddenly interested. So it's not about you - it's about him. I think you've hit the nail on the head there- he's lost support-certainly from his wife, quite possibly from his other children depending on the circumstances. So he's looking around for support from elsewhere. Once again he's thinking of himself. The possible interest in pushing himself into your wider family circle is also rather unsavoury. Even if that's not true, the fact that that's your first thought about him says a lot.

Basically, he is reaping what he sowed. You have your family and he isn't it. Do whatever makes you happy.

Do you know what at this time in your life you do not meet up...Spend your last couple of weeks been around the people you want to..

If you don't want to deal with it right now... Breezy text...really busy next few weeks, some other time.

I wonder. My father went off with his secretary too and was sporadic, but I did enjoy contact with him when it happened. Like yours he was emotionally unavailable, but he's still my father and there are similar traits.

However it is easy to take on your mothers feelings when young, which may have meant that you formed a detachment to your Dad and loyalty to your step father and felt disloyal if you felt this for your Dad. You also say that you resented your half siblings, even though this wasn't their fault.

I'm suppose I'm saying that this might not be quite as clear cut as 'rubbish selfish Dad'. You sound as if you are also keeping a distance and that you also did that as a child too. Some of this was undoubtedly his actions, although I'm not sure if it is all of it.

Isn't there anything of your biological Dad that interests you, or you are curious about? Honestly, are you being a bit stubborn?

You could have some sort of go at forging some kind of relationship, it's not too late. You could make it on your terms. Meeting completely away from your family so it's not about brown nosing. Keeping it short at first. But if you tried to see him with fresh eyes, you never know, he could play an important, but minor role in your life which could give you an insight into part of yourself.

You don't owe him a relationship.

Do you want to have one? What is in that relationship for you?

My DF left in difficult circumstances, there was EA involved, he was not someone who should have been or ever really wanted to be a parent to a child. But he stuck at some contact with me as a child, not frequent but very consistent, and as two adults we've been able to make a friendship, and there are some bloody lovely things about him that I value and enjoy enough to be able to get past the history. He has more than earned his side of the relationship we have now, he put the time and the effort in to build it, and not for any personal gain.

But he didn't cause the hurt your father has. He always took responsibility as a parent and made the effort your father didn't, and in your circumstances I dont think I could have kept that connection going. It would have been infinitely harder. Only you know what you want. You don't have to 'get over' anything unless you want to. With children, with any relationship, you can't expect to reap more than you sow.

You owe him nothing. You owe yourself to do whatever is right for you. He's not covering himself in glory pushing things now his marriage is over. No offence meant, but I wouldn't take advice from people who have lost a parent and advise you to see him. They are not in your shoes. You should decide based on your feelings, not his.

So he's basically a stranger. Why then do you feel guilty about this? I'd be keeping him at a big distance. It's your call, OP, but I don't see the point, tbh.

My bio dad only showed an interest after his second family ditched him and I had his first grandchild. When I told him I didn't want to meet him he started being emotionally manipulative and proved why I didn't want to meet with him. Follow your instinct and don't feel pressurised, you owe him nothing

My mum has never pushed her feelings onto me - growing up she kept completely quiet on that front and allowed me the relationship I did have with him. It was after many missed speech nights, graduation, competitions that I told her I thought he was a rubbish dad, that she gave me the background, I suppose she was waiting until I was an adult to understand.

I've had a bit of a think, and actually he has had all fucking year to want to meet up with me for a coffee or whatever. I'm tried and massive and he knows I'm probably not driving anywhere to meet him which means he thinks he is coming to my house. I'm going to tell him I'm busy and hope he just backs off without me having to spell it out.

You don't owe this man anything.

He wasn't there for you when you needed him the most. He can't just drop in and out of your life when it suits HIS agenda.

I think it's really hard for someone who hasn't been emotionally abandoned by a parent to under understand what you are going through. I have had that with friends saying to me 'Life is too short' 'You need to forgive and forget' 'Everyone makes mistakes' 'You'll regret it when he's gone'. But it's your decision, there is no right or wrong only what is right for you. You owe him nothing but yourself and your child everything.

It's not just a case of being bitter. He may have cheated onbyour Mother and left but that wouldn't stop him being a loving and supportive Father. One of my best friend's Dad is a total womaniser - in his own words 'I'm an idiot. I know I can't keep it in my trousers'' but he has been there for her all the time, when she was a child and now she has her her own children. Apparently the last thing he always says to her is 'if you need anything call me first'

I don't think your Father's feelings matter in this situation. He choose another family over you, yet he wants the Disney dad moments ie major part in your wedding, his future grandchild etc. He courts your contacts and clients. Would he want this much contact if he wasn't divorcing. You doubt it.

My elderly Father tracked me via an organisation and sent me a letter after 30 years. He wrote one and a half side on a small pad. Twice, he wrote, I don't know what to say. and said he had often thought of me over the years. I think of my children ALL the time. In a similar situation to you, I found out from relatives that my Father had split with his long term partner and was reflecting on his life. I chose not to have contact. I didn't see the point. I didn't see what benefit it would to my life. I have a loving Mother and wonderful DH and children. I don't hate, I don't know him. I wish him well but not a place in my life.

If you are unsure of how you really feel perhaps put off meeting him until you have your baby. You don't have to have to make a decision now. Say you are too busy or feel overwhelmed. Your baby may give you a but more clarity but make it your decision.

Good luck OP