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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to refuse to apologise?

48 replies

MosaicMind · 10/09/2017 20:44

DH, SIL, BIL and I went to a birthday party last night. Its BILs work friends birthday. DH and I have met BILs work friend a couple of times and got on well with him so he invited us to the party too. SIL only knows a couple of people through BIL. DH and I know nobody except the birthday boy.

BIL instantly did a disappearing act on arriving at the party and left DH, SIL and I on our own while he mixed with his mates. DH, SIL and I mingled a bit and chatted to various people to be polite as we felt like a set of lemons. We ended up chatting to one particular woman who said she also knew nobody at the party except her own OH. She seems nice and we make small talk.

The party is slow to get going though, it's around 9pm and still nobody is up dancing, so SIL, myself and this woman decide to go and have a little dance to try and kick things off. DH doesn't want to dance so I tell him once the dance floor starts to fill up I'll be back. But about 3 songs in and still nobody else at the party joins in. To be fair the music is crap though. I usually enjoy a dance but I'm not enjoying this. I notice my DH is still all alone and also looks uncomfortable, so I tell SIL and woman I'm going back to join DH. Woman grabs my arm and tries to stop me leaving the dance floor, saying I can't leave. As BIL is still more interested in his mates SIL says she'll stay on the dance floor with this woman. I go back to my DH.

A short while later this woman comes over and tells me she's disappointed in me. Im a bit taken aback given I barely know her but I politely tell her I might get back up for another dance later, but right now I'm having a drink with my DH.

This happens several times over the course of an hour with her grabbing my arm and trying to drag me away, and each time I'm getting more annoyed... I don't know her from Adam, I've chatted to her for maybe 20 mins, I don't even know her name and now she's hounding me. But I try to stay polite and continue to say "maybe in a while".

But she comes back once again and this time becomes quite rude towards me and proceeds to give me an actual telling-off in front of a group of other strangers DH and I have got chatting to...

"Well, I'm am actually really very disappointed in you. You've really let me down. I'm rather upset with you, you know. How could you let the side down like this?!" she says, while throwing lots of disapproving looks and shaking her head at me.

I'm pissed off now and can't bite my tongue any longer. I tell her to bugger off, I'm a grown woman who can choose not to dance if I wish and I don't appreciate being hounded and then being told off like a child by a complete stranger.

She flounces off and I don't see her again for the rest of the evening.

I discover later she actually left the party, then got her OH to complain the next day to the birthday boy that I was rude to her. Birthday boy then rings BIL and tells him I owe his friends missus an apology as I should respect my elders.

But I don't think I do.

I agree in respecting my elders, but the woman was like a dog with a bone who wouldn't take "maybe later" for an answer.

I've never met her before and its highly unlikely I'll ever see this random woman ever again. I'm not quite sure how she managed to become so over invested in whether I danced or not.

WIBU to not apologise?

OP posts:
MadMags · 10/09/2017 21:29

She's mad! Shock

I wouldn't have gotten up to dance with sister-in-law and a randomer I'd just met so she was lucky you even did that!

Ceto · 10/09/2017 21:30

Explain to birthday boy what happened and that you'd actually like an apology from the silly woman yourself.

Ceto · 10/09/2017 21:31

Also tell birthday boy that if he has issues with you he should have the manners to tell you direct, not issue orders through your BIL.

CrystalMethHog · 10/09/2017 21:34

Can't you do a father jack?

AIBU to refuse to apologise?
Nocabbageinmyeye · 10/09/2017 21:37

I can't believe the birthday boy is even getting involved in this. What has your bil said? What was his response to his friend? Is your bil just passing on a message or actually expecting you to apologise?

Anecdoche · 10/09/2017 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MosaicMind · 10/09/2017 21:39

huffle that's what I said! I don't know the woman. How could I apologise anyway?! BIL says his friend can give a contact number. I just laughed.

BIL, SIL and DH actuallh agree with me but BIL is concerned there'll be an atmosphere at work now.

DH says maybe I should just apologise to keep the peace for BILs sake. But quite frankly I think it's allowing this woman to think she can control and dominate people.

OP posts:
Anecdoche · 10/09/2017 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MosaicMind · 10/09/2017 21:53

AnneLovesGilbert hmmm yes, I never thought of it like that. If it'd been a fella harassing me people would insist I told him to bugger off. But because it's a woman I apparently owe her an apology.

OP posts:
MosaicMind · 10/09/2017 21:58

CrystalMethHog HA! Grin
I'm nicking that

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 10/09/2017 22:14

She's utterly bonkers, as is anyone who thinks you should apologise. The party boy should be apologising for being such a crap "host" that he left some of his guests out in the cold.

Tell the party boy you're waiting on an apology from crazy woman for the way she spoke to you and continually manhandled you. Continually grabbing someone/you is absolutely out of line.

As for her respect your elders comment - no-one deserve respect simply by virtue of their age or status. It is something that is earned through your actions. Her actions on the night were disgusting and utterly disrespectful to you.

mogulfield · 10/09/2017 22:30

Why should you 'respect your elders'? Give respect where respect is due, young people deserve respect as well, yes? I wouldn't say this rude woman deserves your respect.

I digress, she owes you an apology. How odd the situation has come to this.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/09/2017 22:37

BIL can apologise for leaving you unsupervised.

MammaTJ · 10/09/2017 22:47

Maybe once explain to BIL what really happened, then you are done!! That is it, finished!!

LazySusan11 · 10/09/2017 22:51

If you feel you must apologise then I'd say 'I'm sorry you're upset' a non apology wrapped up like an apology Grin personally I'd stick to my guns and say nothing, wouldn't pass any comment to anyone about it.

MosaicMind · 10/09/2017 22:54

Nocabbageinmyeye from what i can gather birthday boy is expecting me to apologise as she's given the impression that we befriended each other, she simply asked me to dance and out of nowhere I told her to bugger off and was so rude I upset her to the point of having to leave.

I appreciate I DID upset her, I DID tell her to bugger off, but where does she get off telling me she's disappointed in me? She didn't even know my name ffs! I owe her nothing.

I have since asked BIL to tell birthday boy my version of events. My only apology is to birthday boy for being dragged into this juvenile game. But as others have said, birthday boy wasn't exactly a hospitable host to us, but I accepted he wasn't able to personally entertain everyone at the party, that he doesn't really know DH and I that well and we decided to stay and make the best of it regardless.

OP posts:
NoFucksImAQueen · 10/09/2017 23:22

"Dear X I'm so sorry.....
Sorry I didn't tell you to bugger off the first time you were rude, forceful and harassed me. You need to learn boundaries and I did you no favours in being as polite as I was to you for so long. Please forgive me"
Grin

KC225 · 10/09/2017 23:25

She must have been drunk

pictish · 10/09/2017 23:31

I think she sounds pissed as well. I wouldn't apologise.

quercuscircus · 11/09/2017 00:16

No, don't apologise. She was awful! Tell your side and remind BIL that plenty of other people saw the woman's behaviour too.

Mufftache · 11/09/2017 08:12

Thanks guys, glad I stuck to my guns. I've said I'm sorry if it creates any tension at work for BIL / birthday boy, and I'm sorry birthday boy has had to deal with such a childish complaint, but I'm not sorry to random strange woman.

I shan't be attending any more parties of BILs work friends!

Mufftache · 11/09/2017 08:15

Sorry, NC. I am OP!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/09/2017 08:16

Is she right in the head

This thread has got me singing. I don't wanna dance.

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