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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toys at home / dad's house

24 replies

AlexsMum89 · 10/09/2017 18:33

Please help me out with some reasoned opinions. DH and I gave just disagreed over this.

DS is 7, his dad walked out on us when he was 2yo and DS has lived with me ever since (and in later years his step dad too). His dad isn't great and I've had a lot of trouble with him over the years. He didn't see DS for 18 months at all but now sees him once a week for approx 2hr 45 mins and has been for about a year. In that year he asked to have him for 'extra time' twice. Once at Xmas and once this weekend.

Very quickly after seeing him again for the first time his dad heavily put pressure on DS to bring expensive toys to his house which I didn't allow because they were toys I had bought and I suspected he would sell them (as he's done in the past).

Now today DS has come home from the only day trip he's ever been on with his dad upset that he was bought some toys that his dad wouldn't let him bring home and said they have to stay at his house.
He's asked me to talk to his dad about it.

I think it's a bit mean of his dad not to let him have the toys here since he will rarely see them at his house, but DH thinks it can't be one rule for one... I see both sides but I feel bad for DS not getting to play with his new toys.

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 10/09/2017 18:35

I think if you have set the rule that ds not allowed to take toys to his dads then it's fair enough for your ex to say the same to ds.

It's hard and it sucks for ds

Babyblues14 · 10/09/2017 18:38

It's unfair on your ds but you decided to make the rule that no toys can go to his dad's house so you should of assumed that his dad was going to do the same thing. You can't do it yourself but then make out like his dad is the mean one. Sounds a bit childish on both sides tbh

Nomoresunshine · 10/09/2017 18:39

Had the same here over the past ten years. Unfortunately for you to look like the responsible, stable and trustworthy dp you have to keep to your word and ds will have to suck up the rule. . Or dc would play off a dp against the other. .which df would just love. As the years went on and dc saw df for the dp he was they chose to live full time with me and nc with him. . They themselves saw his lack of parenting as damaging. .
Your ds won't be scarred having to leave toys at dads. .

PotteringAlong · 10/09/2017 18:41

You brought this one on yourself. You're not prepared to let him take toys there because you paid for them but he needs to be able to bring toys his dad paid for to your house? Nope. You don't get to have it both ways.

Mrsmadevans · 10/09/2017 18:42

I think if he has form for selling the toys then he could do it again so until you know for definite that he has altered his tune, nothing changes. ln the meantime your poor son has to put up with it bless him . Not nice for him at all, you are between a rock and a hard place OP . I think you will have to tell ds the truth and see how things go for now . You never know his df may be a changed man but I wouldn't hold my breath unfortunately .

Petalbird · 10/09/2017 18:42

Same rule here what we buy for the kids is ours to keep here but we do have them for weekends and whole weeks in the holidays so they need toys to play with and there home is 2hrs away so impractical for transport

Gorgosparta · 10/09/2017 18:44

Its not unusual for seperated parents to have this rule. So i dont think yabu to have set it.

But yabu to think it only applies to the stuff you bought.

RandomMess · 10/09/2017 18:44

I would just promote it as a good thing to DS "isn't it great that you will be able to know that you'll have those toys and dad's house to play with"

LondonLassInTheCountry · 10/09/2017 18:50

Toys to be kept at the dads house that he bought. Is acceptable.

Original poster

AlexsMum89 · 10/09/2017 19:00

Thanks for the helpful comments. Sometimes it's helpful to get others views and I just want to do the best thing for DS. You're right, he won't be scarred I'm just a bit soft sometimes and I feel bad for him (as I always have done when it comes to his dad).

To those of you being judgemental and saying I 'brought it on myself' - what do you think I should have done, let his dad sell his toys? I literally only said no because he previously asked for some of his expensive toys and sold them (and pocketed the cash), so the sudden pressure he was putting on him to take expensive toys over there was a huge tell that he wanted to sell them too. So sorry for protecting my ds, how childish of me. I hope you never go through what I've had to.

OP posts:

MadameJosephine · 10/09/2017 19:01

I think that's perfectly normal tbh. Any toys that my DDs dad has bought her stay at his house and vice versa. He can look forward to playingwith them next time he goes to his dad's

Mrsmadevans · 10/09/2017 19:07

I think you need to address the possibilty of the toys not being there with your son too OP , just in case his dad reverts to type and he visits his dad excited to play with the new toys only to find out on his next visit he has sold them.

Percephone · 10/09/2017 19:18

If that does happen Mrsmadevans it might be a wake up call for DS's dad.

Justdontknow4321 · 10/09/2017 19:21

You set the rule. Your ds will just have to play with it next time he sees his dad.

Mrsmadevans · 10/09/2017 19:22

Yes I agree Percephone . I am just thinking he needs to know it is a distinct possibilty Bless him . I couldn't give a fig for his df if he did that to him he deserves no respect. It would be downright cruel of him. I so hope he has altered his ways .

kittybiscuits · 10/09/2017 19:26

^ How massively inappropriate. Did you RTFT at all?

I wouldn't bother arguing with your ex. You have acted in the best interest of your child after your ex behaved like a cunt to him, and this is his pathetic idea of tit for tat. Don't give him the satisfaction. Your DS is finding out exactly who his father is. Shit, isn't he?

Armadillostoes · 10/09/2017 19:27

I think that some of the posters suggesting that YABU have missed the point about your ex having sold toys in the past. That is a crucial and game-changing detail for me. Normally I would say that your stance was unreasonable but that behaviour from DS's father can't be ignored. YANBU if he sold a much loved toy it would be devastating. Even if you had the money to replace it, a substitute might not be the same in a child's eyes.

Original poster

AlexsMum89 · 10/09/2017 19:46

I think he's unlikely to sell something he's bought himself as he probably see's more value in something he's bought himself. He's always seen me as a way to get money - when he first left he told me he was providing me with 'free childcare' for the time he had DS, and shortly afterwards told me I should be paying him maintenance (I've always had full custody) so I think when he's asked for things I've bought he just sees it as a way to get free cash...

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 10/09/2017 19:57

Yanbu to stop toys going there.
Yabu to expect things he bought to come to yours.

Mittens1969 · 10/09/2017 20:07

I definitely agree that you shouldn't let your DS take toys that you've bought for him to his dad's house in view of the fact that he's sold them in the past. That really is as low as it gets, OP.

That does mean that your ex will point score by telling your DS that he can't take the toys he's bought for him back home with him. It seems harsh, though, as he's only at his house for 2 hours a week.

kittybiscuits · 10/09/2017 20:26

It just demonstrates the lengths he is prepared to go to to score a point against you, with no regard for your DC. Standard abusive ex behaviour.

Andrena92 · 10/09/2017 20:56

I'm same as you, my mum kept all my toys from childhood safe for my first child. Now my son plays with them toys and I don't want them going to his dads and I end up never seeing them again. What I did was let him take some toys he rarely plays with (none of my old toys tho) to stay at his dads. Some of these toys were from charity stalls etc that he chose himself. If his dad buys him something then it stays at his house and he knows that's a toy that he plays with his dad. If your child is really upset about it why not buy another for your house? That's if your willing as I don't know if it's expensive x

BlondieNikC · 10/09/2017 20:59

He may have done this for the shittiest reasons but now your DS has toys at his dad's to play with, whereas before I assume he didn't if you didn't allow him to take things with him? My DD had stuff that stayed at her dad's when she was little.

Original poster

AlexsMum89 · 11/09/2017 00:07

It is too expensive to buy another one for here and to be honest I think that's the wrong message to give DS. He doesn't want for much and it seems a bit spoilt to do that for him?
He did have toys there before, from what I understand he's got a lot there now.
Having thought about what DS said to me I think the main issue is that he just really wants to show them to me and his step dad so ive text his dad to let him know he's upset and suggested that he just lets him bring them over to show us and he can take them back again.
It's so awkward being in this situation, I only want to do right by DS. FX his dad agrees and it's problem solved for now x

OP posts:

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